meet my little friends

i was asked today about my bamboo pen & realized that i should probably have a reference page on my blog to all my materials, sources, inspirations…but failing that, here is a look at some of my art supplies that i use on a daily basis. (yes, i have three different kinds of black ink, why do you ask?)

and! if you act now, you can become a patreon of me & my little friends.

on that note, i did type up the beginning stirrings of my soon-to-be hit novel and series on netflix, fallen.
it is available to anyone willing to be my loving patron.

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update: mild to severe alarm

i’m not sure what i have said about my living situation.
in a nutshell, spring of 2016, i was living in manitowoc, wi, renting from a friend. i was looking around the area for property to buy to start homesteading. this is when my younger sister said to me, “i know some available land in illinois.”
she was referring to my childhood home, a large 3 bedroom house on 5 acres. my parents who have m.s. & parkinson’s disease as well as being mentally unstable, were deemed–by my younger brother–unfit to live alone in rural illinois. he drove them down to texas & dropped them off on my oldest sister’s doorstep. so the property was sitting empty & neglected.
around this time, my friend let me know she was kicking me out.
i had no money.
no child support.
no place to go.
so here i am, a glorified caretaker living rent-free at my childhood home. which is a beautiful place if you ignore the constant intensive corporate farming that happens on every side of the property.

all was well.  without my parents here, all the boogeymen seemed to have re-located.
oh, that’s another thing. i moved out of this place the week i graduated high school & over the years had less & less contact with my parents who are so fucking toxic. so toxic.
then
last christmas/new years my parents decided to visit. i did not feel i had a choice. they stayed for two unbearable weeks. go check out my archives from that time if you want to see exactly what happened to my mental health while they were here.
silver lining–while they were here, my mom declared that they would never return.

as it turns out, she planned never to return…my dad, however, is chomping at the bit to come back up here.
i got an email last night from my sister & her husband informing me that he would be coming up here in the fall to visit.

holy fuck.
seriously, i can barely take care of myself & my four minions. i am struggling on many levels.
how the ever-loving¬† fuck am i supposed to take care of an abusive alcoholic motherfucker with parkinson’s disease?
maybe i sound heartless & ungrateful. but fuck that bullshit. i get it–nothing is free. if i am here, i am expected to let that son of a bitch visit me.

thing is…i’m not known for doing things i don’t want to do. i just don’t. i quit bad jobs. i quit bad marriages. i quit my parents years ago.
and i am not going to subject my children to that toxic fucking monster again.

so i’m looking for another place to live.
which means i will have to find new homes for some to all of my animals…
and uproot & disappoint my children…
but maybe it is for the best. i never could bring myself to think of this as a forever situation. maybe it’s time for the next step of my adventure.

oh! and i need y’all to buy art so i can afford to move…maybe i should set up a fund-raiser page to get money…the great minion migration.

fuck…i hope i can take my goats wherever i am going…if you know an available midwestern property where i can have goats–let me know!

the saga of stella & squiggles

i avoided having pets for years & years
i was very nomadic
and had a history of having severe personality disorders in reaction to owning pets.
(my dad murdered & abused many of my pets, & i kind of shut down emotionally as a result)

then in 1996 a redneck boyfriend found a puppy in the woods
and forced the thing upon me.
i hated & hated that puppy, otis.
and then i fell in love with him.
and then he got hit by a car & killed before he was even a year old
when he ran away
after i sent him to live with a friend
because i felt i could not be who he needed me to be.
my heart broke into a million pieces.
and a little bit more of me died.

i got a rebound puppy.
and then another dog.
and then another.
and then i got rid of a dog
and then another.
i managed to keep one until he was 14 and falling apart and i buried him in the garden.
but i never fell in love with him.
we tolerated each other…for fourteen years
(same number of years i was with my ex)

then fidgit & iggy both insisted they had to have a dog
for years this went on
until i was finally at a place where i could have a dog.
but i had to get two because i had four kids each saying
they wanted a dog.
so i adopted two six month old cattle dog/border collie mixes
(herd dogs are my favorite)
and then things fell apart.

fidgit decided he was a cat person.
the ex complained constantly about the dogs.
i started to love them…but then my heart froze.
they terrorize the cat…the chickens…the lambs.
and with two of them and four minions,
i can’t get them trained the way they need to be trained.

and i find myself hating them
for the one more thing in my life
that i cannot manage
and that makes me feel like a failure as a human being.

i decided to find stella a new home
and to keep squiggles (who became iggy’s dog)
squiggles fits in
stella tolerates us but would be happier somewhere else…
i have been trying to find her a home with no luck.

img_2933

meanwhile,
i keep losing more & more of my mind
and feeling like less & less of a person.

then yesterday
they ate some bread dough i left to rise in a stupid place.
and i hated them so much for it.
and i had a screaming meltdown.
i put them in their crate and hid from the world.

i thought they would be okay
but this morning they were so so sick
vomiting & wobbling.
turns out
dogs get alcohol poisoning from bread dough.

i didn’t know.
i feel like such a dumb fuck.
i feel like it is my fault for hating them
that i brought this on with my own
bad behavior.

now they are at the vet
$400 or more per dog
for them to detox.

so…long story short
there is no hope for my frozen heart
and the demons that tell me i am an awful
dogmother
& that i will probably never be a proper dog person
because there is that gaping hole where my heart should be….

but if you want to buy some art
i can sell you prints or originals
to pay the vet bill for which i have exactly
$0.00

if you do want to buy art
leave me a message
and we can work it out.
i still need to figure out how to build a store here…

 

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