he is still in my dreams
& i want him so badly
it is pure pain & longing
something i used to feel
when i was awake
that crazy desire
my skin on fire
willing to do anything
anything for him
…but what he asked of me
it killed me on the inside
killed my burning desire
leaving me empty
but still feeling the pain of it
when it shows up in my dreams
& i wake up crying
for love lost
& cruel reminders
i see you
i see you now
you hide in your chameleon’s skin
you turn the tables
you play victim
you say, “i wouldn’t have done it if you–”
you say, “but look at how awful you are”
you are a master of distraction
a master of disguise
while a moth wears predator’s eyes
you are a shithead in sheep’s clothing
bear with me, y’all. i am working through some angst & frustration.
nothing to see here!
it’s all a part of the healing….
now i need to go do some art.
(the minions are out of town & i am down in the dumps)
i wanted to believe him
oh how badly i wanted to believe
that he really loved me
really wanted me
really saw now what he had done
how he had
i wanted so badly to believe
he really had changed
that things could really be
that there was hope still
even though the nagging little voices
in my head
assured me he had not changed
pointing out the little red flags
scattered around him
dusty and i were perfect and in love once. so so so in love. it was a long time ago. he was the center of my universe…and i’m sure i somehow fit into his universe.
and then i got pregnant with fidgit.
and everything changed.
i changed, my focus changed, shifted. dusty was no longer the center of my universe. he had to share the spotlight.
and dusty changed. a person emerged that i had never met before. a cold person. a cruel and judgemental person.
and that was the beginning of the end.
i was surprised when he started up with the love and adoration this last time. i guess i shouldn’t have been. i guess i should have remembered he will do anything he has to do to keep the status quo. but i was surprised because it has been awhile since he acted as if i were important to him. usually i am just a piece of the puzzle…but he started acting as if i were the puzzle itself. every piece.
but i told him “no” because i have to hold close the hurt he caused me so i don’t forget. like snapping a rubber band on my wrist whenever i want to believe dusty actually cares.
and last night i got my proof that i was right to do so.
while he was wooing me to keep our family together, apparently he decided to cover his bets & he also got back in touch with the woman he used to try to destroy me. the poor delusional twat who he would lie to as much as he would lie to me–except she believed him. i don’t know if she was crazy before he got a hold of her, but she was crazy by the end.
so, yay, they are back together.
i told me so.
(i just realized that if we had stayed married, today would be our 14 year anniversary)
so many of my drawings
i want to name “escape”
only to realize that i’ve already
named a drawing that
why am i so often
thinking of escape?
i have this ex-husband
who emails every once in awhile
all flirty and remorseful
wishing he hadn’t
wished me away
even proposing marriage
but the minute i say
“where was this love
when you had me?”
he disappears again
“i will bother you no more.”
until the next time
he is filled with flirty remorse
i have this ex-husband
who likes to lie in wait
like a lion watching for a limping
he waits for me to weaken
all big blue eyes
and intense energy.
devouring my heart
and leaving me
i have to die inside
to push him away
because he is an
i am angry
so angry at these two men
so fucking pissed off.
i am sport to them
but they want to call it
so i guess today is the first day of the rest of my life
i know things won’t magically get better
just because i ousted the man
who helped me make myself
but i felt a ray of light
“i’m just going to relax.”
when i faced this first day
officially on my own.
then i felt the need to defend my decision
as if i was doing something wrong.
but, fuck it.
i’m going to sing & dance & play
and be ridiculous if i want to be
who made me feel as if
i had to be the grown-up
while he did whatever he wanted to do
i spent the past two days taking dusty his stuff and severing those ties. we now live in separate states. separate physical states. i think we always lived in separate mental states.
so maybe the spells & stones worked after all? maybe i had to go to that dark dark dark fucking place inside me to find the strength to separate myself from him and all he has taught me i am in the years we have been together.
to let go, i had to die a little.
but it worked. i am free. maybe for the first time in a decade or more. maybe for the first time in forever.
i am free and i am going to work all this anger out of my bones. all the anger i have absorbed over the years. i am going to work it out and learn to believe that i am worthy of love.
that will be weird.
if i believe i am worthy of good things?
that would be amazing.
so while on the road, i only got this doodle done. so i missed two days of posting. but i’m back now and will finish this doodle. here is what it looks like with just the first ink on the ink stain. more ink to come!
i found something to do with my anger.
i was striking out at everyone i cared about, seemingly without remorse. well, there was remorse, but i tucked it away.
i was getting uglier and uglier.
then it occurred to me, that i could use this absence of remorse to stand up to the person i never have the absence of feelings to assert myself to.
if that makes sense.
in my head, i am always telling him i want him to leave, but in reality i only say it during fights. then he dismisses it as soon as the fight is over.
so today, knowing my heart was cold
i told him not to come back.
you know what a cunt i am? he is in wisconsin for the death of his grandma. i took that opportunity to tell him not to come back.
that’s how cold, hateful, frozen and dark my heart was today.
i told him, “there is no good time to do this. there just isn’t.”
and that is true. but it doesn’t make me think i am being something of a cunt by kicking him out right after his grandma died.
but the thing is.
this horrible depression started as soon as he left for wisconsin. this horrible hateful madness. which is weird–usually i am happy when he goes.
but i realized i was depressed because i knew he would come back.
that he would come back.
that he would be back in my home.
that i would be right back stuck in a terrible situation
of his living here and refusing to leave.
i felt better after i told him not to come back.
i felt better after standing up for myself.
even if it does make me a cunt.
i stood up for myself.
i said the words i have been thinking for months now.
what a fucking relief.
i don’t feel good about it,
but i’m glad it’s over.
this is from an ink splatter i did
a few days ago
when i was feeling this terrible energy.
you can tell,
the ink is pretty agitated.