innocent abandon

with the help of a beer
& a novel
i realize
i will never love anyone
the way i loved him
innocent
abandon
eyes wide open
believing it would
never
end
now i know
all about
endings
& have trouble
seeing past them
to new
beginnings.

there are a couple of relationships this could describe. a couple of forever afters leaving me jaded after they crashed & burned.
will i ever be able to find another beginning? it just seems impossible.

less than zero

it’s like when you’re waiting
for him to call
so you can break up with him
…but he never calls
& you realize
for how much you just
hate him
for breaking your heart
he barely thinks anything
of you….

i’m sad. going through a friend break-up. we have been friends for almost 10 years. we had a rough patch some months back when i freaked out & withdrew…from her as well as most of my life.
but then i apologized & tried to make it work, but she up & left me for another man…er…i mean, she left me for a man. a relationship. a whole family.
she left me. i’ve been cut right out of her life.
just like that.
you know what? it fucking hurts. it fucking hurts to realize how little you actually mean to someone….

i’m not sure why my illustration turned out so sunny. maybe i’m trying to cheer myself up?

still got hope in my box

i don’t regret
trying again
i don’t feel stupid
for trying
i am happy
that my capacity for hope
is still
intact
after all these years
after all
of the abuse
of it
&
even if everything
turned out the same…
i am
different.

true story. usually when dusty & i break up i am all like, “what the fuck was i thinking!??!”
but not this time. this time i truly felt like i was looking for healing. looking to move forward.
but when i found out he was not to that place yet (if ever) i was okay with giving up.
i was okay with all of it.
weird.

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