warrior

it’s not a body
torn apart
by four pregnancies
it’s the body
of a warrior
cut open twice
followed by two home births
my body
has stories to tell.

something that occurred to me in the shower one morning. i give my body such a hard time…but my body has always been there for me. it was not my body that failed me in childbirth–but the current medical system that does not allow for anything but a textbook birth (hence my being cut open twice because i dared to have 42 week pregnancies.) and after being assaulted by the medical system…twice…my body recovered and got me through two home births. kudos to my body. my warrior body. strong, dependable, magical.

body image II

my body
is strong
i have taken care
to insure that…
my body
is able
i am ever so
thankful
for that…
my body
is beautiful
in its own
way.

part two to the post about body image. a bad day/a good day version of my self-esteem. this day i feel more warrior & less woeful….
or am i just trying to convince myself?
there are more journal pages to come. more in-depth look at why i feel this way…other than the obvious social/cultural pressures to always look perfect (which you would not be surprised to learn have never really affected me)

body image

i hate my body
i know
i’m not supposed
to hate my body
i’m supposed to
embrace
me
celebrate
me
lumps & bumps & all
but instead
i want to take a knife
& slice
off
parts of me
genetics & motherhood & age
have conspired
against me
&
left me
this blobby
mess.

this one is a pesky demon. when i was younger and my jeans stopped fitting, i just ate less & exercised more. voila!
now, after four pregnancies
& right into perimenopause….
crap.
i feel betrayed by my body.
add on stress and too many years with an emotionally abusive motherfucker and sometimes i look in the mirror and am so fucking disturbed by what i see….

demons to wrestle, y’all.

unlovable

i don’t want to be
alone
but i cannot imagine
anyone
loving me….

my broken bits shine in this one. it’s a deep fear of mine…or deep belief. i am working on rooting it out. as you will see in coming pages about my body image, mother image, and aging which affect and are affected by my feeling unlovable. hopefully i can exorcise this demon one day soon…or, entanglement of demons (the name of my next band.)

all of me

i just wanted to see
if i could fill up
a page
with me

originally posted on february 1, 2018

another one for the invisible exhibitionist.

IMG_2463

i have been sick all week. plus i did a 10 hour roadtrip to a small iowa town & then did a four hour roadtrip  with picnic & half-assed hiking the next day to pick up the minions.
i totally want to move to that small iowa town…but am having trouble finding a rental or other living space…. i’m trying to trust & to not freak out about it.
but i am freaking out a little.
which makes my head cold that much worse. & my minions are also sick. so i am not able to rest much.
i have not been drawing or writing much at all in the past week. i’m tired. i’m so super stressed out sick. oh–& i have the menstrual cramps real hard.

i have been wanting to re-do “all of me” for awhile. it’s one of my favorites. i like how it turned out.

do you think hallmark is hiring?

my second inking inspired by/copied off of the egon schiele’s “mother & child.”

this one looks more sinister…which suits the topic, i suppose. i titled it “hallmark moment.”

so ink brush is a bit more tricky to manipulate than ink pen. i accidentally gave myself a very waspish waistline.
i do not, nor have i ever had, a waspish waistline.
in fact, i remember very clearly when i was in high school gym class and the instructor was measuring our waists before a fitness & nutrition chapter of the class. she looked for awhile, trying to find mine. finally she declared me “high-waisted.” i think she just gave up on finding my waist.
when i was twenty, i was working as a nurse’s aide in a care facility. i had a shaved head at the time. a lot of the folks with alzheimer’s were confused about me. but one day, while helping one gentleman, i was pronounced to be, “a stout, young lad!” he said it as if i should take it as a compliment. i found it hysterical & have touted myself as such ever since.

basically, i have a very dense & solid frame. i always have & always will. even at my lightest weight while still being healthy, i was 145 pounds. it’s just genetics. you should see my dad.
on the plus side, i am pretty indestructible, physically anyway….

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