bubbling cauldron

so much anger
am i angry
because
my brother
was murdered
& i am
too polite
to avenge him?
am i angry
that my ex-husband
destroyed me
leaving me
a broken person
rebuilding
&
no matter how many
times
i ink the story
he refuses to read it?
am i angry
that my sons
will never know
how much
i sacrificed
to be their
mother?
am i angry
at the world
for being
deliberately
blind
&
ignorant?

from my dead brother’s birthday through his death anniversary through holidays heavy with bad memories & deeply ingrained anxiety….
this time of year i can become just a bubbling cauldron of angst. add in a good dose of idocracy fueled by a corrupt government & medical system….
i have only had one public outburst…so yay for that.

body image

i hate my body
i know
i’m not supposed
to hate my body
i’m supposed to
embrace
me
celebrate
me
lumps & bumps & all
but instead
i want to take a knife
& slice
off
parts of me
genetics & motherhood & age
have conspired
against me
&
left me
this blobby
mess.

this one is a pesky demon. when i was younger and my jeans stopped fitting, i just ate less & exercised more. voila!
now, after four pregnancies
& right into perimenopause….
crap.
i feel betrayed by my body.
add on stress and too many years with an emotionally abusive motherfucker and sometimes i look in the mirror and am so fucking disturbed by what i see….

demons to wrestle, y’all.

miserable creature

was there ever
joy
in my life
have i always been this
miserable creature
i see
in the mirror
was my heart ever
a light place
or
was this darkness
just born to me?

so on top of a head cold, two of my sons had birthdays this past week. my seven year old was a difficult one. the pregnancy was physically easy, but emotionally a trainwreck.
dusty found a shiny new girlfriend while i was pregnant for poppy. that went on throughout the pregnancy, birth, & first two years of poppy’s life.
so, unfortunately, a day where i should feel happiness turns me into a puddle of misery as i remember how awful i felt for those years.

downward spiral

we are no longer
moving forward
this would not
worry me
as i know healing is a
two step forward
one step back
kind of dance
however
the dance we are doing
feels a bit too
familiar
this
neck-breaking
soul crushing
plunge
of a downward spiral
called you
& me.

moving forward? stuck in fucking reverse is more like it. dusty actually told me he felt we should re-visit the past. funny. i am willing to forgive him all of his betrayals with other women & move forward in healing. i felt we should address what was going wrong in the hear & now with our attempt at a relationship…he, however, feels the need to re-hash something i may or may not have said 10 years ago.
letting go? that man is clutching every wrong i’ve possibly committed & counting them as he sits on my grave.

big love

i’m willing
to love big
to love strong
i’m able
to love big
to love strong
i want to
love big
love strong
i need to
love big
love strong….
so what happens
when you push
that love away
refuse to love me
back
big & strong
what happens
to that love
what happens
to me?

i swear i have a big heart. i want to dote on someone & help them feel special. but how can i when i am treated poorly? then he thinks i’m some cold hearted bitch because i pull away. he thinks i reject him…but if i hadn’t of felt rejected, i would have been amazing.

desperate

when you walked
through the door
it was the best part
of my
every day
you were my best
friend
you were the person
i wanted to tell
everything
everything
i would have plucked
my heart
out of my chest
to show you
so you could see
what you meant to me


you took
what i gave you
& you
twisted it into
some
obscene
version
of what my love
was
you took
what i gave you
& you
gave me nothing
i am
nothing
to you
you took
what i gave you
& you
left me
empty
empty
& desperate
to hear
my dead heart
beat
again.

moses jones page six

my tarot reading last night indicated that i am ready for a new relationship…but am still heavily influenced by what happened in my relationship with dusty….
my art/comic concurs.
the dusty effect on my heart….

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑