miserable creature

was there ever
joy
in my life
have i always been this
miserable creature
i see
in the mirror
was my heart ever
a light place
or
was this darkness
just born to me?

so on top of a head cold, two of my sons had birthdays this past week. my seven year old was a difficult one. the pregnancy was physically easy, but emotionally a trainwreck.
dusty found a shiny new girlfriend while i was pregnant for poppy. that went on throughout the pregnancy, birth, & first two years of poppy’s life.
so, unfortunately, a day where i should feel happiness turns me into a puddle of misery as i remember how awful i felt for those years.

downward spiral

we are no longer
moving forward
this would not
worry me
as i know healing is a
two step forward
one step back
kind of dance
however
the dance we are doing
feels a bit too
familiar
this
neck-breaking
soul crushing
plunge
of a downward spiral
called you
& me.

moving forward? stuck in fucking reverse is more like it. dusty actually told me he felt we should re-visit the past. funny. i am willing to forgive him all of his betrayals with other women & move forward in healing. i felt we should address what was going wrong in the hear & now with our attempt at a relationship…he, however, feels the need to re-hash something i may or may not have said 10 years ago.
letting go? that man is clutching every wrong i’ve possibly committed & counting them as he sits on my grave.

big love

i’m willing
to love big
to love strong
i’m able
to love big
to love strong
i want to
love big
love strong
i need to
love big
love strong….
so what happens
when you push
that love away
refuse to love me
back
big & strong
what happens
to that love
what happens
to me?

i swear i have a big heart. i want to dote on someone & help them feel special. but how can i when i am treated poorly? then he thinks i’m some cold hearted bitch because i pull away. he thinks i reject him…but if i hadn’t of felt rejected, i would have been amazing.

desperate

when you walked
through the door
it was the best part
of my
every day
you were my best
friend
you were the person
i wanted to tell
everything
everything
i would have plucked
my heart
out of my chest
to show you
so you could see
what you meant to me


you took
what i gave you
& you
twisted it into
some
obscene
version
of what my love
was
you took
what i gave you
& you
gave me nothing
i am
nothing
to you
you took
what i gave you
& you
left me
empty
empty
& desperate
to hear
my dead heart
beat
again.

moses jones page six

my tarot reading last night indicated that i am ready for a new relationship…but am still heavily influenced by what happened in my relationship with dusty….
my art/comic concurs.
the dusty effect on my heart….

weener coop page four

my stars & ribbons–there is a lot of cursing in this comic.

this page might mark my moving on from grievances with one particular housemate to grievances with that entire culture of some intentional communities.

keep in mind, i was nearly kicked out of this coop for my attitude & lack of censoring.
i’m not sure i learned my lesson.

weener coop page three

so i lived in this coop in madison, & there was a chick there who i swear was stalking me. every time i left the room, she would take my chair…. it was kinda funny until one time i left the room & she took my ex-husband.

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