how do i exist
if no one believes
believed in me as a pretty baby
a quiet baby
not so much
when i bloomed
into a strange flower
short of cannibalizing me
believed in me
believed in me
i can say that
because he is dead
& no one can tell me
teachers & therapists
but they were paid to
i was a game
no belief required
to spout belief
much like the tooth fairy
whom i kept alive
way past the age most
let her dissolve
i keep myself alive
to fade away.
while crying in the shower yesterday, i wrote this poem. with the challenge of getting out of the shower & past four screaming minions to the journal on my desk to compose it before it washed away down the drain.
i did get dressed first, so be sure to add clothes.
karl shapiro, i think, once wrote a poem about crying in the shower. i think i used to recite it in speech contests. little did i know how useful that poem would prove.
this thought is a bit melodramatic, i suppose. a bit emo. angsty.
but, seriously, it is something i struggle with. i find it very difficult to believe that anyone believes in me.
and if they do, i dismiss it as their not knowing me well enough to know any better…or knowing that one day they will stop believing & walk away.
i think it is our nature
at this point in our history
to not believe in each other
to not have invested feelings for one another
in a culture of convenience & right now
belief is too risky.
i made peanut butter cookies (which are kick ass) and i am going to make lo mein & eggrolls for dinner.
thanksgiving just has a bad feeling for me. a holiday of bad energy. as a pagan witch, i have like three harvest holidays & believe in giving thanks every day…so thanksgiving really is redundant for me.
but i do hope y’all are having a good day.
i believe in you!
ps. while pooping this morning (i do my best thinking in a locked door bathroom) i decided i really do need to put my melodramatic art journal musings into a collection with self-portraits. you know, one of those self-publish books.
how do i do that? are their sources that any of y’all recommend? thoughts?