needless pt. 3

& what if
your needs
aren’t met
when you whisper them
gently?
& what if
your needs
aren’t met
when you scream them
angrily?
& what if
your needs
aren’t met
even by you?
what if you choose
to ignore your
needs
there is no time
you have no energy
&
after all
your needs
aren’t
really
important
are they?

more internal struggle with being human and having needs. i might just return to being the devil after all this introspection on my needs & still feeling as if i have no idea of how to discover my own humanity.

crap.

fallen VIII

it isn’t all fun & games
when you’re
the devil
when your darkness
oozes & embraces
for one thing
you can feel
all the pain
in the world
you feel it
so intensely
& you no longer know
how to need
you long to feel
human
but you shut down your
humanity
you had to
in order to not collapse
under all the
torment
you can still feel
the desperate
lonely
your own desperate
lonely
but you cannot convince yourself
to
need
the antidote
is need
you need to let yourself need
but
you
can’t
you
won’t
for you to need
is a dangerous thing
that will rip open
too
many
wounds.

i am exploring need in my working the healing wheel. i have realized that i do not let myself need anyone. if you ask me, i will state, “i do not need anyone.”
and in my head, this is true. there is an exit strategy in case of loss. for everyone i know, i have instilled an exit strategy in case i lose them.
i suppose there is something deeply wrong with me
that i refuse to need anyone.
so, weirdly enough, i have realized that i need to learn to need…but i have no idea how to do that.

greetings earthlings

every day
is me trying to be a better
person
which is hard
when half the time
i’m not sure i’m
human

so realizing how nice it feels to get birthday greeting and how happy my kids get when someone sends them a card, i am trying to send birthday cards–homemade birthday cards to people who are in my life.

this one is for my nephew, who is a doctor who fan.

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