dreaming

i dreamed last night that i quite easily allowed
myself to be wooed by a pretty man full of
flattery & affection. he was a teacher who
was neglecting his students & i noted this
(as one of the students) but supported his
behavior anyway. by the end of the dream
he was tossing me aside to pursue another
woman. this woman, however, saw &
was repulsed by his shallow nature & easily
rejected him. i applauded her rejection of
him & validated it while vilifying the man…
still aware of my own seemingly shallow
nature in so eagerly encouraging his
affections previously….

a waking dream a few mornings back. it had a large impact on me…made me examine who i am and what i have learned about myself–especially concerning relationships and skeezy men. maybe it loops back to yesterday’s post about knowing what i am capable of.
can i be in a relationship right now? am i healthy enough? self-aware enough?
hmmm.
jury’s still out on this one.

love me

i love my inner child
little me
who desires attention
& love
who marvels at the wonder
of the world
& is forever curious
i love my inner warrior
who has always
protected me
& stood up for
injustice
i love the mother
inside me
tired
but warm
& ready with a hug
i love my inner witch
growing medicine
in the garden
& cooking blessings
& magic
into every meal
i love the fey creature
inside me
who sparkles & shines
but can also
turn dark & tricksy
i love my inner
music maker
who sings & dances
& celebrates every day
in song
i love the sage inside of me
the adventurer
the one who turns lemons
into lemonade
as well as the one
who wants
to burn this motherfucker
down
i love them all
without any one of them
i would not
be
me.

practicing some self-love. it’s a tricky thing for me. sometimes i think i am as awesome as fuck. other times i just want to flush me down the toilet.
but…practice makes perfect.

domino

today is a new day
yesterday
is gone
think
morning
not
mourning
because today
is a new day
&
even if nothing
changes
everything
changes
one
domino
topples into the next
&
tomorrow can bring
anything.

a moment of zen optimism??
in the spirit of optimism and a moment of “wow, look what i did” …i went to put my book confusion perfume and other neurotic comic (holiday gift idea!!) over on goodreads. i got an email that my listing was approved and went to check it out, only to find i have THREE books on goodreads. what? totally makes me feel like a real writer….

contact me for an autographed copy

mama belly

it’s the mama center
of my body
is that
my problem?
am i conflicted
so very
conflicted
by motherhood?
that all those
ugly feelings
have found a place
in my
mama belly
so deep
in there
that even the most
adamant
yoga workout
cannot
root it out?

more on my body image issues. i cannot not wonder if my aversion to my stomach fat has something to do with my struggles to be a mom.
plus, it’s a genetic trait from my own mother.
so there is that.
bleah.
but, i am working on working it all out. trying to learn to love my body & believe that someone else could love it as well.

out & about

last weekend
i went out
drank whiskey
& played darts
& pool
drank in the prettiness
of a man…
i kinda
want to go
out
again
this weekend
but is that just a
desperate
attempt
for a groundhog’s day?

referring to the bill murray movie about the man repeating the same day until he got it perfect…at one point in the movie he has a really good & spontaneous day–but then tries to re-create it the next day & it is completely false.
i did go out the following weekend, but said pretty man was not to be seen by me.
i am not sure i will go out again. i enjoy re-living days of old (to say i have spent a lot of time in bars flirting with boys would be an understatement) but maybe the tides have turned & there is no going home again….

aryan jesus is coming to town…

i was doodling during a board meeting
as i have trouble sitting still
& can actually focus better if my hand
is busy
my school notebooks are full of doodles
& i am sure
this is how i excelled as i did
scholastically
with such a tendancy
to let my mind
off leash
to wander….
anyhoo!
when i went to finish the doodle that started with
a man
& ended
with
a fish
i was pretty impressed
with said
wandering mind….

i have been working on turning a journal page into a finished work as requested.
after two tries, i am not completely happy (but there are many a man who will tell you that is not an uncommon state for me) 😉 & am trying to determine if i should try a third time….

one trick pony

i wonder
as a writer & an artist
if
i am like those
actors
who can only play one
character
no matter how excellent
they may be at that
role
they can never move past being
that guy
i wonder
if
i am a one trick pony
always drawing
the same face
always writing
in the same voice.

serious anxieties here folks. could i live with having a limited range? being a bill murray instead of a denzel washington?
i see other artists who do just the one style–doing it really well–& i do not judge them for it…
so why am i so hard on myself?
(rhetorical question–i totally know why)

stronger than i know

i am stronger
than i know
i have done things
most people
avoid
i challenge
the world around me
i ask questions
i expect
the truth
i expect
loyalty & compassion
i am stronger
than you know
i will not
stop
challenging
the world
around me.

this occurred to me the other day. it’s funny, i just do what i do…but then i look around and realize that i’m doing things most people choose not to do because it might be too much work or too daunting…etc.
i’m not trying to brag…i’m trying to make myself realize i am much more fantastic than i give myself credit to be.

bit of a series happening with the handy angels

third time’s the charm

first
my second ex-fiance
then
my first ex-fiance
reached out to me
on the internets
of late
a ghost of 1989
a ghost of 1993
both
with dark hair
&
brown eyes
both
leos
& not complete fuckers
like many many other men
in my past (& present)
so
reflecting on such
& noticing
things happening in threes
i guess
i wait
with baited breath
for a third
&
fresh
fiance to find me
tell me if you see
a dark haired
brown eyed
leo.

a little art journaling/meditation about my (so far very uneventful) man-hunt.
i do wonder….

so i have my sheep fingers…and now angels/fairies with hands for wings–what do i call them? handy angels? angel fives? clappers?

who am i today?

i have separated out
the personalities
in my head
by what shoes
(if any)
they wear…
although
recently
a new personality
has emerged
& i have not yet
determined
her
favorite
footwear.

i think we all must have multiple personalities–just not at a clinical level. i mean, when you want to wear something colorful versus when black is the only color that will do.
or, i guess it could just be me?
& there is always that dominant personality. the one we are most days. but then there are the days when someone else takes us over & we are an all new person.
in my case, a person who does panda comics….

i did this illustration experimenting with a pen nib rather than using my usual bamboo pen. the lines are a lot more thin & consistent–less dipping required to do an inking…but i so prefer the randomness of the bamboo pen.

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