Tag: bamboo pen drawing

what i promised myself

sometimes
i swear
i can feel something powerful
working through me
when i do my art
i cherish those moments
even though i worry
i will spill ink
all over my
magic.

i really really like this inking. maybe i will price it higher? hmmm? i am trying to value myself more while also recognizing that folks don’t have a lot of art money lying around.
i was kind of thinking of new year’s and resolutions etc. as i inked this one. how do i want to grow? who will i be when i am finished? right, i will never be “finished” but, you know, what will i make of this upcoming year?
by the way, my dove turned into a hawk. i think that is a good thing.

“what i promised myself” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

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i am more powerful

i have started telling my kids that this year
is the year
my ship comes in
who knows
my third collection to be published
my novel
surely
finished
who knows what good fortune
might find us
at madness manor.

“i am more powerful” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

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sunken treasure

whisper it
shout it out loud
call me by name
tell me you love me
i will pretend
to believe you.

i didn’t write on this one, but the above is what i thought of writing on it. sunken treasure…that’s me.
i am preparing for a solstice celebration that includes my ex-husband.
i don’t want to include him, but i feel i have to.
he is good at letting me know how alone & lonely he is. no matter how miserable it will make me, i can easily be swayed to entertain his misery.
every other year, he has had a job that kept him from ending up on my doorstep. not this year. so i feel bad.
especially since the 19th is his birthday
but also my brother’s death day…
so you can see how messed up i am going to be.
and a full moon.
fuck me.

“sunken treasure” ink on watercolor paper…9X12…$45….SOLD!

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wild thing

as i spiral due to all the ways
my life is out of my control
i cannot help but notice
that yawning hole in my heart

my hair is out of control. i have no control over my aging. i have no control over the sparrows that insist on kicking all of the sunflower seeds out of my bird feeder. i have no control over the cats i live with who like to defile my work space & kitchen counters. i have little control over my feral children. i have no control over my ex-husband. i have little control over the people i hire to help me with my house. i have no control (it feels) over how my abusive childhood damaged me.
and i have no control over whether or not i will grow old(er) alone or with a soul mate.
thing is
do i need to let go? what exactly do i let go of? what do i try to rein in?
why was i never taught healthy ways to get my life moving forward?

“wild thing” ink on watercolor paper…9X12…$45

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i am wolf

some days i could conquer the world
howl at the moon
take no prisoners
other days i feel caught in a trap
unable to move forward
angry at myself for moving
backwards.

the other night i listened to the coyotes scream from my side porch. last night it snowed and blanketed my valley community.
looking out my window at the natural world that surrounds me is enough to keep me going even when i feel like i cannot possibly make it through another day.
and if i can actually get out of my house to be amidst the natural world…then i can ground myself & clear away all the poison that builds up in my soul.

“i am wolf. hear me howl.” ink on watercolor paper 9X12. $45

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regrets

if i had known then
what i know now
will send me on an endless
loop
of regret
it’s an impossible wish
because no matter how i lived my life
i could always find something
i completely fucked up.

i am finding myself struggling with issues of control right now. being the child of an alcoholic control freak, i became obsessed with finding control over my own life. relationships have always been hard for me because i want control–so i can feel safe, but i am also programmed to be “a good wife.” those two things do not live well together. i usually end up resenting and alienating anyone who dares to date/live with/marry me.
then i became a mom.
talk about no fucking control.
so here i am now, trying to renovate a house, raise four kids, and navigate a friendly relationship with my ex for the sake of co-parenting.
i feel like i am drowning under all of the needs of the house, the kids, and even the ex. i want to fix everything…but so many things spin out of my control.
i am so burned out, y’all.

but i have my art. my art keeps me sane.
if i knew then…. 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

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bird feeder of epiphanies

i find myself once again
trying to figure out
how to make money
fall from the sky
meanwhile, the universe reminds me
i need to do what i love
do what i love
do what i love…
no matter what
i need to snatch my happiness up
hold tight to my faith & trust
to just
fly.

so i totally watch my bird feeder out my office window all day for messages from the universe. a few days ago, i looked out and wasn’t sure what i was seeing. but once my brain wrapped it’s way around it, i realized i was looking at an enormous hawk, on the ground, under my bird feeder. he saw me seeing him and took flight, carrying away a plump squirrel who had surely been raiding my bird feeder.
it was pretty fucking amazing.
i took it as the universe telling me to just fucking dive in & take my life by the talons.

to do: laundry, lunch, take over the world
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cautionary tale

i aspire
to not become
a cautionary tale

(i probably already am a cautionary tale…)
on a related note…i was trying to think of a name for my house. i am thinking of naming it “madness” after the band who wrote “our house” as well as a wink to the state of mind in buying a house that needs as much love as mine does on top of my four children & myself all being a bit mad….

my house & my dog
what will one day be my studio, office, & tarot/tattoo parlor
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heavenly horses

so the story goes, in 1994 i was in virginia attending hollin’s university when one day i was on a walk and found a horse tangled up in barbed wire. the horse actually called me over to it & waited patiently as i untangled it. i knocked on the door of the house i assumed it belonged at, but there was no answer. i wanted to make sure someone knew this horse might need more attention, so i found the stable manager for hollin’s university and told her.
her answer was, “you will get your reward in heaven.”
over the years, i have never forgotten those words. as a pagan, i often turn them over in my mind…trying to understand what they mean.
i have actually used them on my children at times as it sounds like some weird brush off for an over-eager attention seeker…& it makes me laugh to say it.
lately i have started thinking about doing a story called riding horses in heaven loosely based on this.
now i am thinking it will be a graphic novel.
i have started doodling my heavenly horses….

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