life moves forward
art helps keep me sane
as well as writing random things down
for me
to remember
like
in my household
“it is only funny when i fart”
says everyone.
farts
burn the world down
i am feeling a bit angsty. pissy. out of whack in the zen.
february 23rd was the wedding anniversary of my dead parents. they were married on february 23, 1963. my brother was born november 30, 1963.
why would anyone plan a winter wedding in illinois…hmmmm.
so during my hike/meditation on the 23rd i started thinking about it. my dad’s family always treated my mom like a second class citizen. like “white trash.”
did they get married because she was pregnant? she always claimed she had her period on her wedding day…but i think that might have just been a cover?
so i started thinking more and more. places i have not let my brain go before. whether or not my mom “trapped” my dad into marriage, his family must have believed it, & i suspect that he also did.
i tried to think of an instance where my dad showed love to my mom. i mean, he was obviously attracted to her sexually…but thinking back i cannot think of a moment where he showed her love. devotion. usually he was ridiculing my mom. acting like he was better/smarter than she was. often times he was downright cruel.
she, however, was crazy about him (literally at times.) she loved him & was utterly devoted. even dying within a year of his dying.
then–after reading a romcom novel & really really enjoying it to my own dismay & then wondering why i felt so uncomfortable with romance–i started applying this model to my own life. and found a disturbing pattern. let’s use dusty as an example….
when dusty was devoted to me, i looked down on him…considered him beneath me.
when he abused me, i loved him and became almost manic in my devotion.
and i could apply it to other relationships.
many other relationships.
my model taught me to ridicule men who are devoted to me while adoring men who abuse me.
fuck.
fuck fuck fuck.
but now i am aware of this. now i can start healing it.
ps. on 2-22-22 tuesday, i thought it was a good day for a love spell…so i did that. i did a love spell for my perfect man.
of course, i will keep y’all updated on my magical pursuit of true love.
“burn the world down”
9X12 inking on watercolor paper
$45 plus $5 shipping
spilled ink
last year i thought it was a bad thing
to have a hair trigger
on the drawbridge
to my heart
this year i am looking at it differently
i am trusting myself
to know
when
& when not
to pull the lever that will send you
sailing
away.
this inking was made last night in an effort to use spilled ink… i do like to try to keep my accidents happy.
“eve”
up top: “drawbridge”
9X12 inking on watercolor paper
$45 plust $5 shipping
enlightened & flawed
it’s true
i am so balanced, y’all
my dark & light are so in love with each other
9X12 inking on watercolor paper
$45 plus $5 shipping & handling
song sung blue
these pieces are from a year ago
many art journal pages
lamenting my lonely heart
yet i somehow survived
& i will keep on
keeping on
from one valentine’s day
to the next.
up top: “song sung blue”
bottom left: “chances”
bottom right: “fear of success”
9X12 inking on watercolor paper
$45 plus $5 for shipping & handling
dust devil
i feel like a swirling twirling dust devil right now
my anxiety is so so so crazy high
i just want to hide away
in my hidey hole
and not deal with any man ever…
my ex is playing money games with me
when i am extremely vulnerable
living on credit
my potential relationship is like three chapters
ahead of me
if we’re even in the same book
(forget being on the same page)
and i just feel like too many people are asking
too much
expecting too much
and as i’ve said before…the more that is expected of me
the less i want to give
contrary me…
i should be doing self-care
yoga & hikes
but
all i want to do is have a drink
art & angst
here are some new pieces
my zen is out of whack
& i have been trying to get it
flowing again
i am not completely happy with my work lately
but i hope to soon have some clarity
up top: “universal”
bottom left: “haunted”
bottom right: “power of three”
9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45
together; apart
new year
old problems
i feel the anger i have
over trampled boundaries
turns me into
creature
made of fire & stone
more base
than magical.
the ex regularly ignores my attempts at boundaries as i so easily cave into his needs while burying my own.
then i get to see echoes of this behavior in my children.
and i feel myself transforming into that awful person i don’t want to be.
so what do i need to do?
well, learn to value myself, at least….
“together; apart” 9X12 inking on watercolor paper…$45
“how do i learn to value myself” 9X12 inking on watercolor paper…$45
give me your pain
awaiting chimney work
so i can hook up a woodburning cookstove
madness manor
is nippy as fuck
but i stay optimistic
for 2022
planning an art show
considering submissions
selling books & artwork already
though the year has just begun
my feet may be cold
but my heart is warm.
“give me your pain” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45
without smooches
happy new year
y’all
smooches for everyone
open up the door
let the old year out
& the new one
in.
“without smooches” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45
Quixotic Mama 