quiet

quiet
i’m listening
to the deep inside of me
there’s a message
to me
from me
i just know it
a lesson not quite
learned
some gentle
inspiration
combing the fur of my monsters
collecting the eggs
of my demons
encouraging a cooperation
within
me
a new day of…
no, not hope
but faith
faith that i can learn
to calm the storms
while also
celebrating
the wildness
of my stormy
self.

i woke up and watched the eclipse the morning i wrote this page. it was magical.
otherwise, i have been in kind of “pause” mode for the past few days…weeks…. this is an overwhelming time of year. i think i just have to sit & listen. it’s pretty much all i can do right now.
but it is an important part of healing (& creativity)….

everyone’s invited

i can be strong
& also be gentle
i can be scary & intense
while being
loving & accepting
i can be ferocious
while i am
kind & generous
both
all
exist in me
all kinds of me
ready
to sign a truce
to throw a party
& everyone
is
invited.

more journaling on my recent epiphany where i realized i am not all that bad.
that i can find balance in who i am.

just the beginning

watch as my yin
tries to reconnect
with my yang
look
my masculine
& my feminine
are sending each other
love notes
& my angels
are dancing with
my demons…
this may seem to be
an ending
but it is just
the beginning.

the dark parts and the light parts of me are learning. they are finding each other after a very long game of hide & go seek.

invitation to the dance

in typical style of me
i invited my mother
my feminine
to come into power
&
ended up squashing
my masculine
throwing me
out of whack
in a whole other direction
now
i invite my warrior male
back
while still honoring
my soft & yielding feminine
encouraging them
to dance
to blend & whirl
to teach me
when to be vulnerable
& when
to take no prisoners.

i have always had a very strong masculine side. i have started writing some creative non-fiction about what i termed (in the early ’90s) to be my “gender confusion.”
i have always punished myself for not being able to pull off the feminine…for being too manly in nature, but i have also always liked that about myself.
except i thought i was wrong for it….
so i tried so hard to get in touch with my softer side…and must have succeeded? because now i really miss my masculinity & my inner tough guy.
so it’s a dance.
but at least i’m trying to move to the music that is me.

hear me roar

i need my feminine
side
to support me
to nurture me
to accept me for who i am
to hold me
& whisper
“you are not a fraud;
you are not an imposter”
i need my masculine side
to get things done
to move me forward
to forge my path
to strike down my demons
& scream
“you are not a fraud;
you are not an imposter”

or vice-versa…i mean the feminine can be just as bad ass as the masculine & the masculine is capable of nurturing. i was just generalizing for the sake of balance within myself. just trying to get things moving.

my conflict

i am two of cups–balance–crossed by nine of cups–success.
what? how can my conflict be success, i think just before a heartfelt compliment, feelings of progress,
& a night out with friends sends me into a downward spiral.
oh
so that’s how.
i think, remembering the therapist who would warn me before giving me a compliment after she realized
i reacted the same to nice words as i did to bad ones.

i am still reeling, i’m afraid. over a week after i wrote this post. i am still struggling to believe i am a good & productive person who deserves praise. this is my longest downward spiral in quite forever…is it my transformation? once i survive this, will i be forever changed for the better? i guess that is what we will find out.
but today finds me breaking ties with a friend who has taken advantage & put me in the position of her enabler…today finds me having to rescue a broken sister even though it is the last thing i want to be doing.
but i don’t want to forget about my own journey. i can’t forget about my own healing. or is this all part of that?

into the abyss of me

i cannot control
my moods
the ebb & flow
the phases
of the moon
i can’t stop
my moods
&
i shouldn’t…
i can control
how i react
to my moods
celebrate & nurture
my moods
pay attention to them
don’t
lock them in a closet
not even
the ugly ones
give all of them
the attention
they crave
the attention
they demand
value the dark side
as much as
the full bright shining one
& every mood
in between.

going from zen as fuck to snarky & irrational opened some doors into how i deal with my mood swings…how i deal with my emotions.
instead of letting them control me as i try to control them, what if i just say, “hey, there’s that rabid anger again; i wonder what i need to address before i let it go?”
or something like that.
emotions happen for a reason, right?
instead of burying them or denying them, use them as a flashlight to uncover what is really going on.
& then let them go.

yin yang as fuck

i can be zen
& snarky
i can be enlightened
& flawed
just
another balancing
act
y’all
watch now
as i yin yang
the fuck
out of those crazy
fluctuations
between peace & chaos
that persist
inside me.

yup. everything is about balance, it seems. everything is just me trying to keep from falling on my ass.

maiden, mother, crone

how can i learn
to be crone
if i have never
learned
how to be maiden
or mother?
how can i accept
my crone
when i am still
pushing
away
my maiden
&
my mother?

more epiphanies on the roadblocks in my path. with my masculine nature being my dominant nature, i struggle with anything “feminine.” and when you put it in the terms of maiden, mother, crone my brain just runs away & denies all affiliation.
so i am working on, among other things, running towards…embracing…my maiden, mother, & crone.

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