is this the end?

i have been through a lot on this blog. granted, most of it has now been deleted. some of it is available in book form….
i have grown a lot with the help of this blog.
a friend asked me the other day what part of myself i hated…& i could not think of a single thing i hate about myself.
i have discovered so much. i have had tea & made peace with my demons.
i have buried my parents…literally & figuratively.
i have finally broken the bond that held me in an abusive relationship with the father of my children.
and i got to the point where i felt i no longer had to obsessively share my pain….

today i wonder, am i still quixotic? yes. i think so.
am i still a mama?
well, yes, technically. though i am questioning my identity as one because i feel i am so much more (more more more!) than just a mama….

do i still identify as “quixotic mama”?
less & less each day.

i am reading rage becomes her by soraya chemaly (which is an incredible book that should be read by everyone! every one!)
and as it talked about publishing, etc, as a woman & how the deck is still stacked against us despite it all…i wondered, should i go more gender neutral? would that help me find an agent? does it explain my 32 rejections so far?
my name is already gender neutral…. so i thought i would try an experiment.
i set up a website, instagram, & an email as “emje mccarty” rather than as “quixotic mama”
and once i did
i started feeling even less like a quixotic mama.

i don’t know if this is the end. or just a break…or if i should just change the title of the blog?
let me think some more on it.

ps. feel free to check out the emje mccarty website…i’m not sure what’s going to happen over there…. i will try to keep y’all updated.
thanks for all the love & support over the years!

pss. the image above is one of my inkings turned into an altar by paradoxtabernacle.

fraud alert

seeing my books
on discount
hit me much harder
than i expected
i am already too fragile
of late
my exhibitionist
more exposed
than invisible me

i’m trying to fly instead of falling…but i just keep tripping over myself. what the what. i hate this. i guess i need to take a breath & not push me too hard…but i can’t let me slip backwards either.
in other news, i had to fire my handyman as i am sinking further & further into debt and guessing i have to figure out how to fix madness manor by myself?
so tired of doing things by myself….
and as getting by on my good looks is not panning out…i had to get a paying job, but at least it is working with plants. of course, now i have to worry that i am not actually qualified to work with plants….
there was a personality test with the job application. i was sure i blew the personality test. who the fuck would hire me?
but they did hire me.
why? i’m not sure i would hire me.
and after i post this, i am headed over to the viroqua public market to drop off more art because my drawer at home is overflowing. now my spot at the market will be overflowing…i only sold just one last month.
i googled how to promote myself….
i peeked out…couldn’t find my shadow…and now i’m headed back into my hidey hole.

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