this is my life

i was squatting in a stream this morning to wash the mud out of misha’s clothes when i thought
“this is my life”

how did i get here?
which twists & turns & choices made
led me to this place

i am both grateful for a place to be
to figure out my next step
& anxious
about where that next step will take me.

to help support my journey in exchange for art & writings by me…check out my patreon page.

today on my patron page i share two art journal pages & my recent brush with misanthropy & theories with how isolation feeds a dark part of one’s soul.

Advertisements

surviving myself

i’m staring out the window of a bus
a bus parked forever more
in the hills of western wisconsin
clouds, forests, wildflowers, birds, & bugs (so many bugs)
are right outside my window
& all i feel
is paralyzed
trapped
unable to move forward
because renting requires income
getting a loan requires income
& i am on a bus
with four kids
my ex-husband trying to lure me
back to him
back to life
in an apartment
with him
& each day
i think a little more seriously
about committing
that crime
about sacrificing
myself
to make sure my kids
have a roof over their heads….
i just wish i could look at this amazing view
& feel free
& feel inspired
& feel hopeful
instead
of feeling
doomed
but right now
i have no idea
how to be
that person
how to be
anything
but miserable
& alone.

so i do still have a patreon page where–in theory–y’all could help with my income issues….

though i am not posting as much as i usually do as i am struggling with depression right now as well as the instability of being homeless–er, between homes, rather….
but i will try to get pen to paper & get some new posts up over there soon.

on the road again

from the flatlands of illinos
to the rolling hills of wisconsin
squatting
both literally & figuratively
in the wild driftless region
waiting for fate
to open a door
(or window)
to a new home
for me & the minons

i am still doing art. mostly doodles. and writing in my journal to keep myself sane as my whole world is turned upside down…in a good way…but still terrifying.

this is what a mother looks like

i asked my kids
if
after i died of throat cancer
from screaming at them
if they would remember
what i said.
they answered “yes”
…but only because they didn’t really
listen
to what i was
saying
i’m not sure how to feel…
my throat hurts.

don’t ask how the packing is going…just…don’t ask….

these are images i did for a watercolor class some years back…a week of illustrations of how i felt as a mom. things haven’t changed too much.

cataclysmic (or that’s how it feels anyway)

yesterday the olde english faire got rained out & we didn’t get to see jousting or birds of prey or raunchy pirate shows. i was so looking forward to losing myself in the festival for a day. instead i spent the day waiting for the rain to stop.

except yesterday was the longest day of the year & it rained & rained & rained some more.

and with the impending status of being “between homes” the minions are losing their little minds & my skin is crawling off of me to just stay sane enough to deal with their excited & agitated energy.

now i just feel weepy & like drinking away my sorrows while binge-watching marvel shows on netflix.

so i’m not getting much art & writing done at all…but i did do this goof-off inking of cats.

not really cataclysmic, i guess…but it does make one wonder why so many words like “cataclysmic,” “catatonic,” & “catastrophe” start with “cat”…hmmm….

for more of a dog person’s thoughts on cats (just kidding my page in non-partisan) check out what’s going on on my patreon page for just a dollar a month:

tarot wisdom aka fuckit…this is my life



i did my tarot on the last night before my kids came back having forgotten to do it the other days they were away. i was tired & thought about skipping my monthly check-in with the universe via tarot, but in the end, i lit candles, shuffled my deck, and asked for guidance.

rebirth was my first card. the card representing me at this time. rebirth is also judgement. the past shaping the present. a time for moving forward with new resolution.



next came the delusion card. it is what is challenging/crossing me at this time. delusion….
i didn’t know what it was, but now i am guessing it represents the house i thought i was going to rent. the house that, as of yesterday, sold to someone else.
a decision that did not work out….

in the “present situation” position of my tarot spread came my very most favorite card. one i have not seen in quite awhile.
the warrior card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
present situation…kicking ass & taking names…er, rather, forward moving energy. mastering adverse circumstances through my determination & courage. confronting fears.
fears like living way off the grid with four kids & a bucket to poop in…which is what is happening since our rental fell through.
i mean, on one hand, i like the idea of an adventure & the experience of living in a very unconventional way…on the other hand, i am having difficulty imagining that happening with four kids.
but!
i do have the generous offering of a free space to camp while i look for a more permanent situation. so i should feel blessed for that. and it is summer. the best time to camp.
and once i have a roof over our heads, i’m sure we will look back on this time & have a good talk with our therapist(s) about it.
(i would like to point out that the present situation card has a badger on it which is the state animal of wisconsin–where i am moving to–so that seems to be lining up.)

& lest i forget! my patreon page is still looking for new patrons… here is a glimpse of some of the goodies you could peruse should you fork over a dollar a month:

church of the lawnscape

i know now
why we’re so fucked up
as a society…
it’s that we don’t get the therapeutic
meditative
cardio
workout
of mowing our lawns with a reel mower
& scythe
dude…
i’m serious here
as a hand dish washing
line hanging out laundry
reel mowing
she-ra
i am here to tell you
listen as i preach it
an easy life
is no life at all
work it, people
work it….

as the main representative of the church of the reel mower & sole member/candidate of the thunderdome political party….
i do need to start recruiting.

seriously, y’all. i just want someone to praise me…worship me…speak my name with such devotion….

i don’t know if y’all can see it, but i am mowing a little every day around the house to create some yard so the minions don’t have to go in the weeds if they don’t want to.
i am completely ocd about it. i get out there with that fucking mower & i cannot stop. then, when i finally do, every muscle in my body says, “goodnight.”
it’s clearing my head as i clear some lawn.
i really do think we as a society have lost our priorities. someday i will get that church going–get that political party started….
in the meantime, i am feeling fine.

also! i finished the seascapes i was commissioned to do.

in other news, i have been thinking a lot about direction. i feel that my self-portrait series is wrapping itself up. even though i was told to pay no attention to the critique that questioned my writing abilities
(thank you for your support, xxoo), i have been thinking about it. i want a strong narrative to go with my self-portrait series. so i think i am going to go back through all those journals and try to create that narrative. i don’t know if it will end up being more verse than prose or more prose than verse…or a mix of the two.
but it is time to embrace an ending to it…& also a beginning.

it’s my party i can obsess if i want to

steam rises from the fields
as spring rain
mixes with winter earth
& my heart turns
in circles
thinking of you
i can smell
the ground warming
preparing itself
for growth & green & everything
spring
& my heart turns
in circles
thinking of you
each day grows longer
a full moon wanes
to new
& my heart turns
in circles
thinking of you.

nothing like spring to fuck with one’s love hormones. i made this postcard to send to someone who has probably forgotten me, but it’s my party, i can obsess if i want to.
& i’m not obsessing, really, i just have to put those spring hormones somewhere…& i have no where else to put them. (i already quit okcupid again)
so what’s a harmless crush on someone? so what’s a harmless postcard just to say “hi”?
i know…famous last words….
but, after all, the dodo bird is my spirit animal.

i just got a phone call from my mom to let me know she will be selling the house out from under me.
i kinda saw this coming & was planning to leave anyway & there is no love lost between us…but fuck me my heart hurts right now.
she has no problem tossing out her single-mother daughter & her four grandchildren. at least she had the decency not to say “i love you” at the end of the conversation.
& she did call to let me know she would be selling the house instead of just doing it–my kids have been fearing that we will come home to another family living here….

meanwhile…
here are some glimpses of stuff going on on my patreon page….

a difficult decision

i have been thinking
debating
i added another tier to my patreon page
a $1 tier where i can post my art journal pages
sketches
works in progress
& sneak peeks
which means i will not be posting as much here
it’s an exercise
in taking myself seriously
and trying to make a go of my dreams
but as a girl
who always gives it away
for free
and who doesn’t mind
giving it away
loving the idea of a world of trade &
mutual support
a world where money is not an issue
alas.
maybe someday
but today i have to buy
groceries
notebooks
clothes & shoes for my kids
buy food for my pets
buy art supplies so i can keep doing art
and!
spend money to support
other artists & writers
(also, one day soon, pay rent &
utilities)
so
for now
the bulk of my posts
will be over on my patreon page
for one dollar a month.
i understand if this is too much
i totally get it.
but maybe, just maybe i can get some patrons
& then be able to afford to do the same
for my fellow
artists & writers & crafters of all types.

whether you join me over on patreon or not, i really really really appreciate your support.
& i’m not disappearing from here, i just have realized how much energy i spend on this site and wonder what would happen if i put that energy into trying to earn money for my art.

xxoo

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑