april fools

my world feels like it is falling down
around me
so why does my subconscious
take this time
to bring you alive
again
some cosmic april fool’s joke
waking from dreams
into more dreams
of you.

so many praying hands! then i realized i also had praying hands in yesterday’s inking…which i did not realize when i was doing this one.
what am i trying to manifest in my life right now? peace? faith? grounding?
trust in myself? trust in my path?
why so many praying hands?
also i am doing daily tarot card draws. a me card & a conflict card. yesterday was the tower card crossed by the inverted nine of swords (massive suffering) making me wonder if two negatives make a positive in tarot…. but when i drew the cards i was all, “yup…me crashing and burning…again”
today is a little better. today is six of swords crossed by sacrifice. six of swords is slow path to healing–the sacrifice card (for me) references issues of control (i get that one a lot.)
and i checked my journal…it was february 20th when i began this crash & burn, before that i was doing really really well.
too well.
now i am hopefully close to crawling out of the demolished tower of me to rebuild…again.

neurotic or instinct

am i following my dreams
or sabotaging myself….
is it intuition
or an anxiety attack
is this what i want
or am i just
living my life
out of spite.

i am in the process of buying a brick two story built in 1900. this house was in a devastating flood in 2018 when a dam broke here in the driftless region of wisconsin. consequently, the heating system, the electrical, & the water heater were wiped out. additionally, there was a lot of damage done to the first floor. walls & cabinets were damaged and removed leaving a blank slate for me to create from.
i kinda jumped on the house without much second thought due to the fact that i could buy it for the money i inherited when my folks died. i wanted to find an investment for the money before it was nickeled & dimed away. in no other scenario could i have a brick two story house. banks don’t want to loan me money because of my lack of income…but i can slowly work on the house and bring it back to life as i can afford to while also living there with no mortgage to pay.
but this whole happening has me suffering from panic attack after panic attack as i get unsolicited advice from way too many people…one being an older sister who is doom & glooming me into believing the house is going to fall down on top of me.
i had it inspected, & i trusted the inspection. i have instincts telling me it is a good move. i have friends who totally think it is a good move, including one who works in building salvage.
do i trust me?
do i trust me?
i have been turning everything over in my head. over & over & over.
no, most people would not choose to do this…but i am excited & want to learn about solar as well as wood-burning resources as well as cabinet building. i want to be unconventional & low-impact & turn this house into something awesome. i live in an area of the country ripe with amish craftsmen, artists, and do-it-yourselfers. i think i am in good company & am ready to make new friends….
yet still terror sneaks in…& then i have to talk myself down again.
but i am able to talk myself down.
remember that summer i lived on a bus with no running water for three months? i can totally do this, right?
(or am i setting myself up for disaster???)

the legend of mary jo

that i have not
punched anyone in the face
should prove what a hero
i am
that i haven’t
torn the throat of the world
out
with my teeth
should show
what a humanitarian i am.

i was playing off of the legend of billy jack…but seeing as my given name is actually mary jo….

this is the other end of the suicide scope it seems. homicide. for everyone giving me unsolicited advice as i try to find my way through…i have not brought injury on to any of them.
so throw me a fucking parade.

not so much

most days
these days
i want to kill myself
except
i don’t want to die
so i guess
there’s that.

more of that clawing my way out of my own life feeling. i am overwhelmed & frustrated & wanting to feel better but every time i see a glimpse of light, it gets stomped the fuck out. so then i just start fantasizing about horrible things to do to myself…but i don’t really want to do them…so why does the fantasy help me feel better?

words of wisdom

bathe in the enlightenment
that is me
1.) don’t give a fuck
2.) burn it all down
3.) take the money & run

yes. this was my trying to help my sister be as wise as i am. okay, look at it again. look at it with the eyes of someone who has been destroyed by emotional abuse. hey. it gets me through, this attitude of mine, it keeps me alive…and right now i’m just trying to help her stay alive.

clawing my way out

i feel like screaming
& scratching
& clawing my way out
of my life right now.

right now being the key words. i know things will settle down for me again. i know they will. and that is a huge step. my sister is going through a dark hell right now & is unable to have faith that it will pass.
it makes me sad, but it also makes me realize how far i have come & what intense work i have done to get to the point that i know i will be able to work my way back out when i am feeling only darkness & heaviness.

i hope my sister can find that faith within herself.

mass withdrawl

you know how most kids act out
for attention
not me
i withdrew
the less attention i got
the more i withdrew
the more i withdrew
the less attention i got
until i had dug myself a nice little hole
& stayed there
even when i did get attention
i dug the hole a little deeper
because now that attention
terrified me
& all i could do
was hide from it.

here is more on what is happening for me in a more general way…why i am struggling…why i can’t seem to get my shit together. i am comfortable with being invisible…but now i am letting myself be more & more visible. and that is wreaking havoc with a number of my personalities.

stuffing down the crazy

whenever i am put in the role of the
sane one
i stuff down my crazy
whenever i have to be the rescuer
i hide away my struggles
& honestly
it feels kind of nice to be free
of the crazy
to feel the calm & control…
but you can’t escape the crazy
it comes back
sooner
or
later.

i touched on this yesterday, my observation of what becomes of me when i am put in a role i am not happy about. it would happen a lot (still does) with my ex-husband when we are parenting together. i have to be the level-headed one.
i don’t like being the level-headed one.
as an empath, when i am forced to care, i shut down.
it can be fun for awhile…then i start dying on the inside.
yay!

the deep end

told i could not swim & then
thrown into the deep end
my family of origin
all of us fucked up
in our won special way
all of us
thrown in the deep end
trying not to drown
& pushing each other under
i was finally getting my stroke down
making my own waves
when they grabbed me
by the knees
pushed me down
by the shoulders
pulled under
again

i have been struggling more than usual lately, trying to get my wonky head back on straight….
then my sister, with a history of mental illness, became despondent & suicidal and my being the only one living near her, put me in the position of rescuer & caretaker.
this is not not not a position i enjoy &, in fact, i begin to fall apart even more when put in this position.
so here i am
trying as hard as i can
to keep my head above water.

(at least i am able to be consistent in my metaphor…)

trust II

i was never taught
to believe in me
i was never taught
to have faith in myself
to trust
that i could
make the right decision
follow that right path…
funny thing
in all my efforts to follow
that path
i had forgotten that learned lack
of faith
that distrust in my own instinct…
but even forgotten
it popped up into my life
to fuck me
all over again.

so! recently i started the process of buying a house. it was in a flood here in the driftless when a dam broke in 2018. the boiler, hot water heater, & electrical system as well as walls & cabinets and most of the kitchen were destroyed in the flood–followed by the owner abandoning the property.

so, you know, deeply damaged, of course i fell in love with this two story, circa 1900 brick house. in all the damage i saw how i could make the house my own.

plus i am in a position to buy it outright.

my heart said, “yes yes yes!” but then the unsolicited advice from family & acquaintances started picking away at my poor (already compromised) brain.

that’s when i remembered my parents telling me “it’s a nice hobby, but what are you really going to do?” when i was a twelve year old artist/writer who had already won contests and just needed that support to believe in myself…which left me wondering for the next 36 years until i finally said, “no. seriously. i want to be an artist & a writer.”
fuck.
how do you learn to believe in yourself when taught not to believe in yourself?

i feel this house & i are meant to be…but i am struggling with believing in myself…which totally sucks.

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