under layers & layers of dreams never truly knowing if i am awake or have just woken to another dream the vulnerability of sleep grips me tight & i fear for things I cannot name trapped in a world i created.
how do i warm to the idea of a relationship when so many relationships have brought me pain? how do i convince myself “sure, let’s try this again” let’s invite another into my heart my life my bed when all i know is pain? the sun needs to warm the cold stone i call my heart so it can sprout so it can grow into a majestic tree green & fruitful.
this is the second page of a two page spread as i try to soften & open myself to relationships after a lifetime of keeping my heart shielded.
I am a mushy plum with a stone for a heart can i love? am i even able to accept a man into that hard hard heart of mine? i think i am afraid to make someone happy after so so many years of being so so successful at making others miserable what if i would rather make you cry than to see your smile?
i am thinking a lot about opening myself up to love. something i have not done for many many years–if ever. i built all these walls and traps to keep love away. now i am ready to think about family. and to me, family includes a relationship with a man. but sometimes when i imagine being in a relationship…i just feel terrified. and then i wonder if i am even capable of being in a relationship….
(here is the complete page–tomorrow’s post will be the opposite page to today’s)
the trick to clarity to focus is to recognize it to capture it quietly quietly do not spook it use it when you find it it is not something you can keep in a jar like dead fireflies clarity focus is an eyelash to make a wish on before it blows away do not waste that wish.
one last one on clarity & focus? after 30 or more years of pretending i didn’t know how to, i have started meditating. working on breaking down walls i have built. working on letting good things into my life instead of letting them drown in my moat….
another illustration i really don’t care for. that happens sometimes…but here it is, i’m not hiding anything from y’all. you get to see it all, even the bits i’m not at all proud of….
there is no room to stretch my body hurts what was supposed to protect (& did in its time) now suffocates & limits growth encouraging stagnation & decay…. so! i close my eyes & visualize the blood pumping into wet wings growing stronger growing beautiful & amazing i will lift & soar on the warm sunny wind i will float like magic towards the light of my moon.
this should be the last one on breaking out of a cocoon because i think i have done it. the new year helped me to shed the last of my old skin and now i can breathe! my kids were with their dad the whole first week of this year, enabling me to fully dive into my emergence…if that makes sense. with their return, i have felt a stumble in my force…a hiccup…but i can see it & understand it & am certain i can be a mom, an artist, and a whole person, all three at the same time even!
ps. this is one of the crap inkings i mentioned in my previous post. but! i do try to post all my pages whether i like how they turn out or not. tomorrow will be another one i don’t especially like…but i am working on one for the two pages after that that i really like.
when i clean a dirty room i make a terrible mess in the doing… it’s part of the process maybe healing is a lot like that pile everything together in the middle of the room & then sit meditatively picking through every single thing to see what is worth keeping & what just needs to go.
since finishing the ardhanarishvara piece my drawing has been a bit crap in my opinion….
i felt terribly inspired while i was working on this, but now i feel a bit depleted. so we end up with the little mermaid. upcoming journal page illustrations also feel lackluster to me. but my writing still feels strong. my self-discovery still feels dead on…. just my inking feels a bit bleah.
so i’m working on my novel. which is fucking brilliant if you ask me. & i’m gearing up to do a commission for some local anarchist/artist friends.
here i am. drinking whiskey, feeding the birds, watching the snow, and rebooting.
winding up moving forward exorcising inspiring manifesting a big fuck you to 2020 with open arms to the coming year c’mere babydoll cuddle up & make my dreams come true.
some thoughts on the new year. it’s a fun little rocket ride into 2021. lots of vision boarding & reading of horoscope charts. figuring out my quirks & what i need to work on versus what i need to allow others to worship me for…(haha) plus working on commissions & getting ready to work on more commissions!
the man behind the curtain my inner wizard my obi wan says to me “you have had it all along.” focus i realize this is true when i hear a friend admire my tenacity with my art journaling & self-portrait series my dedication to my freestore project my focus i had it all along.
funny how that works. i have longed for focus for so long that i have not even realized that i do have it. i start something–i see it through. sometimes it takes a long time, but i do i finish what i start. and that is really something i never realized about me.
“focus,” the universe whispers to me with promises of clarity (a thing i have sought for how long now?) with focus i achieve clarity with clarity i will see everything nothing will be hidden i will be able to look i will be able to see which is maybe why i have chosen for so long to embrace distraction.
i have done so much to keep myself distracted. not meditating because “i don’t know how” or “i just can’t focus.” but what happens when i actually do try to focus? i think i will surprise myself.
focus just focus sounds easy right? except i have designed a life full of distractions… focus just focus it’s my mount everest my moby dick if i could only focus nothing could stop me.
going off of yesterday’s post, i came to realize that i need to find this mythical focus. it’s something i have always thought was impossible…but since starting down the path, i am really surprising myself.