from my art journal

i go to see a doctor who is trained in the neurosciences and does a mix of chiropractic work & energy work. when i see him i often find an issue of mine to work on. this time it was when he almost seemed embarrassed to tell me i had a spot in me claiming that i am overwhelmed. he said it was arbitrary to everything he knew about me. then he found a spot telling him that i feel the need to do everything myself. he seemed to feel the spots conflicted. i told him, “you just described me. overwhelmed & trying to do it all myself.”
then i started thinking about it. am i overwhelmed? or is that just a story i tell myself? a handicap i give myself in this game called life? a backdoor to my problems?
these are the pages i wrote about it.

moses jones page 40

working out angst through art…the title of my upcoming workshop.

garden madonna

every time i go to get myself adjusted at the local energy worker/chiropractor, i have little epiphanies & find little things for me to work on inside myself.
this time it was an urge to see if my inner mother was around now that my birth mother has died. i have never been able to locate an inner mother nor to figure out how to nurture myself.
i am hoping that now i will be able to do that.
in a somewhat related note, i realized today, that all of my suicidal & self-destructive thinking stopped the day my mother died–even though i did not know she was dead.
huh….

my mother

almost one year exactly
after the death of my father
i found out
about the death of my mother
though she had been dead
almost
two months…
now i am
an overgrown
orphan.

desperate

when you walked
through the door
it was the best part
of my
every day
you were my best
friend
you were the person
i wanted to tell
everything
everything
i would have plucked
my heart
out of my chest
to show you
so you could see
what you meant to me


you took
what i gave you
& you
twisted it into
some
obscene
version
of what my love
was
you took
what i gave you
& you
gave me nothing
i am
nothing
to you
you took
what i gave you
& you
left me
empty
empty
& desperate
to hear
my dead heart
beat
again.

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