fallen IX

i am wrath
i am punishment
i am the truth speaker
i wreak
havoc
on those
who prey so easily
on tender hearts
it is a cosmic
joke
that we all pretend
to be so
“human”
so civilized
no longer animals
something
“better”
we have forgotten
what we really
are
it is time
to
remember
i think it is my purpose
to remind
us
&
i wonder
will you see that as a punishment
or
a reward?
chaos
or a return
to order?

some deep & incoherent thoughts for you from my devil persona. i have all of this going on in my head, translating it is tricky.

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fallen VIII

it isn’t all fun & games
when you’re
the devil
when your darkness
oozes & embraces
for one thing
you can feel
all the pain
in the world
you feel it
so intensely
& you no longer know
how to need
you long to feel
human
but you shut down your
humanity
you had to
in order to not collapse
under all the
torment
you can still feel
the desperate
lonely
your own desperate
lonely
but you cannot convince yourself
to
need
the antidote
is need
you need to let yourself need
but
you
can’t
you
won’t
for you to need
is a dangerous thing
that will rip open
too
many
wounds.

i am exploring need in my working the healing wheel. i have realized that i do not let myself need anyone. if you ask me, i will state, “i do not need anyone.”
and in my head, this is true. there is an exit strategy in case of loss. for everyone i know, i have instilled an exit strategy in case i lose them.
i suppose there is something deeply wrong with me
that i refuse to need anyone.
so, weirdly enough, i have realized that i need to learn to need…but i have no idea how to do that.

rick springfield is my patron saint

this is a journal page from just over a year ago, one of several horned images of myself i have drawn

so i was on the third season of lucifer & feeling guilty about binging on a network tv show when i realized that it was based on a neil gaiman character (one of my favorite male writers) thereby relieving me of my guilt.
the tv show has inspired thinking points for me in my latest embracing of my darkness via my “fallen” series.
and then today
after having a friend put 18 hours of music on a thumbdrive so i had music in my car, i realized i had forgotten all about rick springfield.
so i went to google him and realized he has seemingly been creating non-stop since the 80s–when i listened to his music because my big sister was in love with him.
his latest album the snake king, has angels, demons, god, the devil, and the underworld all through it.
huh.
it’s pretty dark & pissed off & has a twangy sound to it–which is not what i expected.
but this is not a review of rick springfield.
it is my own wondering about how when you start looking at the world in a different way, the world is only too happy to comply by dropping crumbs in your path.
being a recovering catholic, i have been both drawn to & repelled by my own darkness as well as any dealings with demons & devils.
since embracing them…new doors are opening & i am being shown the threads that bind us all together.
or, at least, i am listening to rick springfield & thinking deep thoughts.


fallen VII

when i noted that
my children
were
the spawn of satan
i assumed
that if was their
father
who was the
devil
on retrospect
i should have realized
he was too
lazy
unmotivated
& lacking in follow through
to be a king
of the underworld
i, however,
am a dedicated
loving
nurturing
queen of the damned

i’m sure y’all aren’t surprised i was happy to find yet another way to use the madonna & child symbolism.

as i was illustrating this, i was being tormented by my minions. while climbing all over me, three out of four of them asked me who was in the picture (the oldest one claimed he knew better than to ask me.)
i answered each of them, “it’s you & me.”
the two boys acted upset by my drawing horns on the heads.
my daughter did not seem fazed at all. of course, she has a 666 in her social security number & is left handed…. (seriously)
i mean, this devil stuff. it’s a woman’s job. attention to detail. multi-tasking. making sure the right people suffer. women’s work.

i asked my oldest son what he would think if he found out i was the devil. he said he wouldn’t be surprised.
and when i greeted iggy with, “greetings spawn of the devil.” he replied, “it takes one to know one.”

my kids are awesome. i love my lovely spawn.

fallen VI

it’s a relief really
realizing
what
you
are
embracing
your own heart
saying to the
catholic teachings
that tried to school you
in
right & wrong
saying
huh…you were right
women
are
the
devil
but more importantly
the devil
is
a
woman
and, that, my love
is just the very
tippy top
of the
iceberg.

i was having an epiphany when i wrote this page. it all made sense like when you just wake up from a dream knowing the meaning of life.
i will call this an exercise so that it is not overwhelming for you, but it is much more than that to me.
this exercise has opened my eyes & offered me a new way of looking at my life. a new way of looking at the world around me.
i hope i am able to flush it out.
perhaps it will become a book someday….

i have my pandora programmed with a handful of artists & she plays me a random selection based on that…i am amazed at how many songs have references to the devil & demons & angels. i guess i shouldn’t be amazed, it is so much a part of all of us.

we pretend to be “human” but what are we, really? i think we have forgotten.
i, for one, think it is time to remember.

fallen V

you always got
angel food cake
on your birthday
because
you were the
good
one
how is that right
you wondered
that the devil’s food
is so much
yummier
than the angel’s?
doesn’t really
encourage
so-called
goodness, does it?
& your goodness was
so totally
so-called
they labeled you
“good”
because
they
didn’t
know
what
else
to
call
you
you, in your quiet
contemplation
of the world
around
you.

i hate angel food cake. every year i got an angel food cake on my birthday because i was the “good” one & my irish twin–the one my mother preferred to me–got a cake that actually tasted good because she was the “bad” one. devil’s food.
ha!
i wasn’t good. i was just quiet. and deeply aware that my household was unstable & dangerous.
so i was quiet & appeared to behave…& i waited.

fallen IV

like the rest
of them
you crawled into this world
through a woman
fully expecting
to crawl out again
through grave
you knew you were
different
with your imaginings
of your
stolen
wings
with your hearing
divine
voices
with your little
epiphanies
but all kids do that
right?
angels are wonderful
things
but you always felt
more at home
playing with
demons…
you never expected
that this was a
tell-tale sign
of your
true
nature.

i recently learned about an artist named eveyln de morgan (which is an awesome name.) she did some amazing work. i realized i
actually used her work once before, when i did myself as helen of troy.
this one here is inspired by another one of her paintings, clytie.
she did a lot of religious style works.
i might be borrowing from her a bit more during this series.

fallen II

so tired are you
of the
hearts
of men
awful
pitiful
mewling
things
you search
hoping one day
to find one up
for the task
you thought
you’d found him
once
or
twice
but so fragile
are the hearts
of men
broken
turned to
dust
they slip though
your fingers
into
nothing.

okay. maybe i am having too much fun writing art journal pages as a fallen angel.
but it is so much so much fun.
and as any catholic girl can tell you from her church’s teachings, women are the devil.

so i’m just embracing that and running with it.

nevermind

i just had to
google
“NVM”
after receiving it in a message
no
wait
it was the message
three little letters
funny
i still feel the pull
to put a “dear” & a
“sincerely”
but i live in a world
of incomplete
words
nevermind
complete thoughts
dreams
complete sentences
i
feel
like
crying
about it
but i cannot say for sure why
except
i suddenly feel
like a dinosaur
in a
time machine
frantically
pushing
buttons
…ah….
nevermind

(did everyone’s editor switch to hot pink? man, i’m loving the hot pink.)

ps. i totally wish my eyebrows were this full. i think i might start magic markering them in…or get eyebrow plugs.

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