i was working on this last night. i felt sad doing it. i mean, it’s my way of putting dusty in the ground so he can’t hurt me anymore…but i still wish it were a different reality where i didn’t have to put dusty in the ground in order to feel safe.
so i saw the real dusty on monday to get the minions back. i started talking about how i had a couple of local WWOOFers interested in helping out on the homestead. dusty then got really quiet & weepy-eyed. when i asked if he was okay, he said it wasn’t the right place to talk.
then he texted me today to talk.
i hate talking on phones. of course he knows this, but never makes it so we can talk in person & refuses to have written correspondances.
so i called him.
he wanted to know why i had tear streaks on my face when i came to pick up the kids. i honestly answered, “i don’t know. i am just generally sad.” which i am. not the greatest way to be, but i am. i am also generally happy. i told him, “i am sad about ways my life has gone.”
then he asked other stuff and before long we were in an argument.
he wants me to still love him & still want him.
i want to feel safe.
he is upset that i am turning to strangers for help when he is willing to help.
but his help comes with too much baggage.
and emotional abuse.
i told him that he has “narcissistic tendencies.”
then when i was talking about how i have to watch what i say around him & don’t want to have to change my personality to avoid misunderstandings with him he basically said, “who’s narcissistic now?”
so you might understand why it is just easier to use a katana….
i have started doing rough drafts because i really don’t like using pencils…even blue ones. so this is the rough for my next page.
are you excited?
(and a little sad)
i’m pretty excited about this.
i don’t care anymore what “real” comics are supposed to look like.
i do not give a fuck.
i am doing what i’m doing
& even if i die without turning a single head
i am doing
so i’m not done yet…but i am still working on it!
i really like it so far, which makes me all the more worried about fucking it up.
but i am still working on it.
i have this idea that i would like every page to be able to stand on its own. so that is another challenge.
meanwhile, i guess the minions are off to wisconsin today. dusty was going to come here to stay for a few weeks instead of the minions leaving here. but just the anticipation of his being here was turning me into an ugly unbalanced madwoman. finally, yesterday, after learning of another lie he’d told me (regarding some mutual friends) i spun out & told him he could not stay here.
he wants to move closer & wants me to help him by letting him stay here & job hunt, etc.
which, in theory, makes sense.
but in practice will chip away at my soul.
it is difficult balancing my desire to help with my knowledge of how he likes to take advantage of my desire to help.
but now instead of being angry & angry…i am just sad that i will not see my minions for a week.
and relieved that dusty is not going to be here.
it’s like he thinks we can be a happy family again, but he won’t stop being an abusive narcissist.
i no longer want to be a family with him…but i know there is no escaping his being my children’s father.
maybe that’s why i’m killing him off in my dystopian fantasy world….
i started a new page of moses jones after a bajillion years of saying i was going to!!
and it has color!!
exciting stuff going on here.
sneak peak…i should be done by tonight….
holy crap, y’all
i got a little addicted to the okcupid.
i jokingly told my kids that it was my favorite
i would go to the profile of someone
i had more in common with
& very little uncommon with
and i would read through their answers
to those random
fucked up questions
i think i lost two days?
depression, loneliness, & online dating
my idea was
i would find someone sane
to date, fall in love, & rule the world with
and i looked at all these guys
while giving some vanilla (vanilla for me)
to hard questions
(some i did answer more hap-hazardly)
hoping to find mr. right-minded.
you know the guy who
lets me be as crazy as i need to be
but is there to catch me when i fall.
i messaged some of those guys.
so then one night i come across the most bitterly
& admittedly not-right-in-the-head profile
and i’m all like
i love you!
&, of course, not being right in the head
i message him this.
not even the crazies
are crazy enough
to date me.
but enough about me.
here is page two of my graphic novel moses jones: apocalyptic mama. i haven’t done any art in the past couple of days due to binging on okcupid & then crying myself to sleep, but i hope to do some tonight. maybe a new page of mojo? so those of you who have never read it, take a peek. there is a link up yonder. and if you feel like collaborating &/or dating & running away with me. give me a holler.
(“rosanna” by toto just came on my mix, so i’m guess that that is a sign that the one crazy enough to sweep me off my feet is near 😉 )
ps. i put this photo of me awkwardly playing with my bokken on my okcupid profile…bad idea or good idea?
it seems like so many books i pick up to read
new fiction, this century fiction
so many end of the world stories.
right now i am reading louise erdrich’s
future home of the living god
and then there is lydia millet’s
mermaids in paradise.
i didn’t realize either one was about the end of the world
until i was reading them.
and of course, margaret atwood.
and so many others. so many.
so i was wondering if they know something.
all these women
is it intuition?
then i remembered that i have my own
end of the world story
i have been playing with for many years now.
for those of you not familiar,
this is the first page of my graphic novel
moses jones: apocalyptic mama
some people act like everything is game on as usual.
but when my kids talk of their future
and when they are grown up,
i can’t help but think,
“will there still be a world,
when you grow up?”
& if there is a world…what will that world look like?
because surely something soon is going to change.
for better or for worse.
here i am
i have never left
can you hear me?
can you see me?
i am here
i have never left
it felt good to do a doodle of my other self…my moses jones. my apocalyptic mama. it felt good to think about her.
she is a sort of self-portrait.
the me in a parallel universe
where dytopia has already sunk his teeth into us all.
i want to bring her back.
read my comics, if you will.
give me your thoughts.