carousel

i’m a fucking carousel
of emotion
watch me spin
…rather slowly at times
& to creepy music
of course
angry now
depressed now
hopeless & self-destructive
calm & grounded
elated now
full of love
turn a little more
here comes your abandonment issues!
and
oh
we are back around to the anger
…what makes the carousel turn
where is the plug?
is it safe to stop it
or
like a roulette wheel
will it stop on double 0
& everyone
loses?

another take on my spinning which is really clear if you sit & read through my journal pages all at once. i looked through about two years worth & got pretty dizzy.

valentine’s day

i’m fifty
& still looking
to this day
as if i were fifteen
a sad charlie brown
hoping that this year
surely
this year
i will be noticed
cherished
celebrated
surely this year.

i’m not going to elaborate on this post because it’s just too sad.

my stigmata is showing

boxcutter to the jugular
i joke
it’s a good name
for a punk rock band
but
inside
i find comfort
in the thought
boxcutter
to the jugular
what the fuck
is wrong
with me
that i can erupt
into this
pus-filled mountain
of pain?

i tried to draw a peaceful illustration to balance this one out, but she ended up developing stigmata.
so, you all have figured out by now, i spend a fuck load lot of time thinking about things. especially things about myself.
here is my thought in response to this post…people think anger is a bad thing…they think suicidal thoughts are dangerous…they frown at emotions, etc.
but what if these things are actually normal & to some extent healthy? violent action & follow through on suicidal or homicidal thoughts are bad–yes. however, what if you use your anger to resolve internal & external issues? what if you acknowledge those violent thoughts & then just let them go?
i know that as soon as i wrote this post, i started to feel better.
tomorrow’s post will address some thoughts on emotion. as i was trying to think of a title for it, i realized i could not think of a reference to emotions that was positive.
why are we so negative about emotions?
why do we try so hard to control them–in ourselves & in others?

the abyss of me

with hopes of renovating
with hopes of cleaning this place up
& inviting someone in
i cleared away
the debris
only to reveal
the extent
of the damage
a crack
to my very core
crap
i don’t know if i’m
habitable
after all
who could live here?
who could love here?
like
“hey–come on in
have a cup
of tea
just mind you don’t
fall into
the abyss of me.”

yup. more reactions to trying to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship should the occasion arise….
sigh.
two steps forward. two steps back.
just dancing by myself, y’all…nothing to see here.

drawbridge up

my drawbridge
has a hair trigger
i slowly lower it
in a moment of optimism
but
set one foot on it
just one little toe
&
pow!
the fear
the intense fear
of letting myself
be
vulnerable
sends the sucker
sky high
& rockets any chance
of a relationship
all the way
to the
moon.

here it is. here is my unbridled optimism about relationships coming to an unceremonious end.
i was totally slow stalking this dude…& then he waved at me.
and then he tried to talk to me.
well, fuck. i wasn’t ready for that….
i’m not exaggerating when i call myself feral or socially retarded. and then figure in almost two decades with my mind-fucking ex-husband….
i’m going to retreat to my hidey hole for a little while.

bubbling cauldron

so much anger
am i angry
because
my brother
was murdered
& i am
too polite
to avenge him?
am i angry
that my ex-husband
destroyed me
leaving me
a broken person
rebuilding
&
no matter how many
times
i ink the story
he refuses to read it?
am i angry
that my sons
will never know
how much
i sacrificed
to be their
mother?
am i angry
at the world
for being
deliberately
blind
&
ignorant?

from my dead brother’s birthday through his death anniversary through holidays heavy with bad memories & deeply ingrained anxiety….
this time of year i can become just a bubbling cauldron of angst. add in a good dose of idocracy fueled by a corrupt government & medical system….
i have only had one public outburst…so yay for that.

left of center

some days
i think i am
holding the universe
together
other days
i am pretty sure
i am
tearing it
apart.

i did something to my right shoulder. i was doing sidearm planks earlier in the day, but it was evening on the couch with my minions when i felt something go terribly wrong. it hurts to move it. it hurts to hold it still. it hurts to sleep on it. it hurts to not sleep on it…. hmmm.
so! imagining a future with no mobility in my right arm, i totally did this inking left-handed.
what?
apparently my left hand isn’t the slacker i thought it was.

mama belly

it’s the mama center
of my body
is that
my problem?
am i conflicted
so very
conflicted
by motherhood?
that all those
ugly feelings
have found a place
in my
mama belly
so deep
in there
that even the most
adamant
yoga workout
cannot
root it out?

more on my body image issues. i cannot not wonder if my aversion to my stomach fat has something to do with my struggles to be a mom.
plus, it’s a genetic trait from my own mother.
so there is that.
bleah.
but, i am working on working it all out. trying to learn to love my body & believe that someone else could love it as well.

autumn madonna

i think more people
will benefit
from my brilliant smile
than will
from said smile
being covered.

i think a lot…i think a lot about how we, as primates, are possibly doing damage by not seeing faces of friends & strangers. a lot is communicated through the face. i have been binge watching lie to me, a show about how much is communicated through expression. and my being an adult child of an abusive household–i learned to read faces rather than listen to words. so how the fuck is all of this affecting us, really?
something to think (lay awake at night & obsess) about….
what is it they used to say about how you need so many positive experiences to negate those negative ones? how can i make your day better after all the stress, if you won’t let me show you my smile???
crap.

body image II

my body
is strong
i have taken care
to insure that…
my body
is able
i am ever so
thankful
for that…
my body
is beautiful
in its own
way.

part two to the post about body image. a bad day/a good day version of my self-esteem. this day i feel more warrior & less woeful….
or am i just trying to convince myself?
there are more journal pages to come. more in-depth look at why i feel this way…other than the obvious social/cultural pressures to always look perfect (which you would not be surprised to learn have never really affected me)

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