the continuing saga of a girl & her dog….
so…i’m no longer living on a bus!
y’all–i managed to get off the bus!
me & the minions have a house in a quaint neighborhood of a quaint town in wisconsin.
and! i claimed a room as a room of my own! except for the pet rat, the dog, and being also a space for books & puzzles…i have a room that is all mine for writing & drawing & just staring out the window!
so that’s nice.
but i have flunked out of therapy…not before reprising my list of ideals for a romantic relationship, however.
next on my list of “what i want”…that guy who won’t make me feel like crap.
& then, also on the list of things i desire (after a roof & a man) is a job doing what i actually want to be doing.
i am working outside the home for the first time in forever….but the honeymoon is over on the new job.
now i just want to sit at home & draw…and write…and go for walks & on bike rides…garden a bit…travel….
though i forgot about INKtober, as sarah of fresh hell pointed out to me, every day is kinda inktober for me. actually, ever since INKtober 2016, i have been covered in ink.
it’s a bit scary how much i have drawn in these last three years.
i should have a book…or something.
but, no, i am not exactly rolling with the punches….
i feel like a complete failure as my patreon page whispers softly to me, “my god you suck….”
& in other areas of life, mother–(crap…am i anything other than a mother???) i am also sucking suckiness.
if you want to confirm this for me (my failure as artist, writer, & mother) feel free to check out my patreon page.
so there is my way past due update, dear reader…
ps. i do not have internet (but would accept it as a gift) so any online postings are sporadic at best
i’m on the email list
for my old co-op & keep getting emails
about the upcoming reunion
i want to burn that place to the ground
i moved in there
full of hope
i escaped there
a jaded & broken person
people are liars. people don’t even know they are liars.
they are liars.
they lie to themselves.
they lie to you.
they lie to me.
they pretend they want social justice
they pretend they want to make the world
a better place
they pretend they care about you
they are motherfucking hypocrites….
the carpet folks who saved my mom’s basement (where i live)
have not been paid
i contacted my siblings
before calling in help with the flooded basement
everyone told me to go ahead
call in professionals
the professionals came…did their job well…and saved
the carpet & wood siding
now no one is paying them
i don’t have the money
my mom does
my siblings do
in my stupid stupidity moving here so my siblings could forget about this place
now my heart hurts
for a carpet company
who was unintentionally scammed
am i a liar?
if i knew then, what i know now
i would have let this place
sink into the mud.
in one week
i will rent a u-haul
& go in a general direction
i have no destination
land on my feet
the main image of this post is an art page that went south & so i just doodled the fuck out of it.
my first boyfriend
wore face powder
& lip gloss
(i still remember
the smell of kissing him)
was longer than mine
but once i shaved
every one of my boys
longer than mine
because i so loved
the girly boys
with their long
& their long
every once in awhile
dimpled cheeks covered
in manly stubble
all the more fun
this poem was inspired by a completely harmless innocent tiny little crush on my gender fluid editor-to-be…because i wouldn’t be me if i didn’t develop inappropriately intimate feelings for someone i am to be working with….
meanwhile, the ryan renolds movie marathon continues. (i watched the nines last night & loved it. i am pretty sure i am also a nine & that i have created y’all)
i bet ryan renolds would look hot as fuck dressed in “women’s” clothes….
in other news, i am having dizzy spells & my head feels weird…so i’m pretty sure i have a tumor. here is a conundrum…how does a hypochondriac know when they are actually sick? my anxiety manifests as physical symptoms…but what if i really am sick & just dismissing it as stress-induced?…(see how that can spin out fast?)
also, my lawn really really is supposed to be mowed by conventional standards, but i have a hard time thinking about mowing down all those innocent flowers.
if it weren’t for ticks & mosquitoes, i would totally have a wild as fuck lawn.
may the fourth be with you.
i just wanted to see
if i could fill up
originally posted on february 1, 2018
another one for the invisible exhibitionist.
i have been sick all week. plus i did a 10 hour roadtrip to a small iowa town & then did a four hour roadtrip with picnic & half-assed hiking the next day to pick up the minions.
i totally want to move to that small iowa town…but am having trouble finding a rental or other living space…. i’m trying to trust & to not freak out about it.
but i am freaking out a little.
which makes my head cold that much worse. & my minions are also sick. so i am not able to rest much.
i have not been drawing or writing much at all in the past week. i’m tired. i’m so super stressed out sick. oh–& i have the menstrual cramps real hard.
i have been wanting to re-do “all of me” for awhile. it’s one of my favorites. i like how it turned out.
though i feel comfort
at the thought
of a no-more
i am invested
in this story
& long to know
how it will
will i laugh?
will i cry?
i will not stop
turning the pages
of my life
even if at times
setting the book
i come back
i come back
i pick up
where i left off
originally posted on august 31, 2018
another one towards the one day realization of the invisible exhibitionist.
i tore up so many versions of this. i am still not completely happy with the final…but there is a lot i like about it too.
i am not sure why i went with lewis carroll’s drawing of alice for this one. i do know that i have always loved this illustration. when i re-did it, i worked from my version of the illustration, without looking at his, which is my habit. to work from my own art that i first borrowed from someone else….
if that makes sense.
i noticed that this as well as my last post are about survival & not doing myself in as the little voices sometimes suggest…so that’s nice.
the best trick
i have ever done
now you see me
i’m still here
submerged in a tank full of every tear
i climbed back out
i’ve been spending a lot of time in the shed today. so much cuteness.
but i am getting some art done.
claudia the kids is nursing successfully & has dried off so she is actually adorable now.
& i’m trying really hard not to obsess about death….
you can walk a mile
in my shoes
i will take a turn in yours
whatever gets you through
whatever keeps you
in the fight
just don’t you dare
i put it on display
my porch light
so you know you are
know you are not
my candle to find a way
through the dark
but my crazy
is my own puzzle to solve
you don’t know my pain
than i know yours
don’t mess with my crazy
it is the only thing