divine comedy

it’s all fun & games
until someone starts
a zombie apocalypse

i have been looking at other people’s art for inspiration. here’s one inspired by gustave dore. maybe i’m missing moses jones more than i realize….

comfortably conflicted

i am comforted
by the idea
of falling apart
hence
my conflict

more on that tower card conflicting me & my trying to figure out what the fuck…. i am more comfortable falling apart than i am feeling whole. this is a conflict to my healing.

if i complete me

you don’t know what
to do
if you are not
falling apart
pain & disappointment
are your norm
your baseline
picking up the pieces is your
favorite
past time
falling apart
(again)
has become
a conflict
because
you are
afraid to accept yourself
as
whole.

this is my working thought. i keep drawing the tower card lately. the falling apart, crumbling down card. and i don’t feel like i am falling apart…so i wonder why it keeps showing up.
then it occurred to me that i don’t know how to do anything if i am not falling apart. falling apart is what i do. or, rather, holding it together with all my might….
so…what do i do if i am not holding everything together? how do i function without a bus load of stress running me down? there is fight & flight…where is the relax?

what goes up

i’m up up up
again
worrying
again
about the fall
down down down
but
wait
have i learned
from my last
swan dive
have i learned
that
it’s not always
true
what goes up
must fall
back
down?

so i know i will have my ups and downs…i’m just hoping a time comes when i can go up, without then plummeting down due to my issues. lately i seem to be growing, blooming, gaining insights & praises…moving in a forward movement.
which sometimes (most times) backfires into my taking a nose dive into my dark place.
so here is my hope that i can go up without melting off my wings & crashing…. right?

the inking was reminding me of the illustrations found on old school sewing patterns…hence the scissor wings.

wild thing

i need to find a new way
of moving
forward
portraying myself
identifying myself
as the struggling mother
just
isn’t
working anymore
lighten my step
no more
trodding
as if i carry
the weight
of the world
instead
i should be
dancing
forward
wind at my back.

i like to look to the pains in my body as messages from myself &/or the universe. my right foot has been a mess for a few weeks now. i’m not sure what is happening. i think i might have sustained a yoga injury?
but now i am examining the way i move through life–both literally & figuratively.

know thyself

“knowing who you are
where you are
& what you are capable of
at the present time
is true wisdom”
says my tarot card
my conflict card
for today
good words
for me to remember
as i try to save the world
in the next ten minutes.

what am i capable of right now? fixing up an old house? being a published author? being a mother who embraces equanimity? one step at a time. some days are baby steps. some days are great big bounding steps. maybe i should start each day asking myself, “what am i capable of today?”

sky goddess

i’m entering in to
a long term
relationship
with a structure
all relationships
terrify me
but also fill me
with an
intoxicating bliss…
anything could happen
me & my house
two damaged
soul mates
looking to be
whole.

the house sale went smoothly, & i was able to buy a house with a cashier’s check (thanks dead mom & dead dad.) the price was super low…one step above foreclosure. i felt sad for the woman who had to sell it, but she seemed at peace with it.
i’m super excited…giddy…a little numb….
i’m hoping i don’t crash again. new house. new book. an earth day art show this weekend. things going a little too smoothly.

my new favorite word

finding enlightenment in the midst
of a crapstorm
finding equanimity
(a word i just learned)
this is my life
this is my path
no peaceful mountaintop
on which to meditate
i am deep in the valley of chaos
& stronger for it.

some days the clarity is easier to grasp than others, but like my posts about achieving what you need amidst constant setbacks…if i can find peace & balance within this life of mine, i will be able to find it anywhere.

i’m not sure what the image is about. although i did aspire to be a burlesque style stripper when i was five…that or a pro baseball player….

cable knit angel

if i just bring one person
joy
it is worth it
if i just bring one person
peace
i am worth it
if i comfort one lonely soul
soothe one rabid mind
if i inspire
or ignite an epiphany
surely i have purpose.

here is my response to that voice that likes to ask me, “what the fuck do you think you are doing? drawing? writing? jesus, get a real job.”

i can do anything

if i can be a good mother
despite an abusive childhood
if i can find peace
amidst the chaos
if i can be happy
when it seems the world would prefer me
miserable
if i can learn to love myself
in this lumpy bumpy body
if i can let other love me
accept me
celebrate me even
despite my lifelong identification as a
pariah
then i can do
anything.

more of the epiphany as it unfolded for me while i lay face down on a chiropractor table. this idea amazes me. that i could do all the work i need to do even when i feel overwhelmed & outnumbered. that feeling overwhelmed & outnumbered could actually work towards my learning how not to feel overwhelmed & outnumbered.
wouldn’t that be fucking awesome?
i am feeling pretty fucking zen right now, y’all.

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