vulnerable

like a fucking
deer
in the meadow
a bunny
in your garden
on high
alert
exposed
vulnerable
a clear shot
to my already bleeding
heart
the world
scares
the fuck
out of me
right now
being alone
in a world
gone mad
feeling
alone
in a world
gone mad.

my anxiety is through the roof, y’all. like crazy cramping nausea. i don’t think i have felt this anxious since my freshman year of high school when i was a budding freak from an abusive household in a conservative small town. is it the demise of dusty & me? is it the state of the world’s high alert? is it fucking biden for president?
probably all of that & more.
but you know what anxiety is for–it’s to let you know that something is wrong. terribly terribly wrong.
so i’m guessing it won’t be leaving me soon.

i read my tarot last night to see if i could get a leg up on what’s going on with me & was told by my cards that i am restricting myself. creating my own little prison.
near future: illumination…so that’s gotta be good….
but now i am meditating on: how do i escape a prison of me? how do i start believing in myself?
& i figure–i already have all the anxiety–may as well go ahead & push my limits…rock the boat…burn the motherfucker down….

stay tuned.

lemonade

i don’t like feeling
defeated
by life
i want
instead
to be one of those
elastic
people
that bad stuff
just bounces
off
as they find
the positive
go
forth
& conquer
turning their frown
upside
down
& lemons
into
lemonade
instead
i have to hunker
down
gather my resources
& wait
for the sun
to come back out.

as i stated yesterday…vague references to current events….
ironically, as politics try to cut me off from my fellow humans…my introverted ass is out of the house joining community resistance groups & looking for straight from farm sources for food as i refuse to join in to the politics of covid.
it’s that or lay on my couch & cry.
ack.
trust me, i know what i’m doing.

instead of all this buzzing

my brain feels
like a wasps’ nest
(is the world on fire?)
why do i see
one thing
& everyone else
sees
another
how can i speak
shout
scream
& no one hears me
(is the gaslight on?)
nothing
makes sense
anymore
another day
of feeling like
i will
crawl out of my skin
while
everyone else
acts like it’s business
as usual
(is it over yet?)

while i revel in posting my innermost turmoil…i avoid posting about the turmoil in the world–topics that might cause someone to yell at me. i don’t like being yelled at. i don’t like feeling like i am not being heard. i left facebook a million years ago so i wouldn’t be subject to all the weird politics of social media.
right now
i am on the unpopular side of current events. okay…lots of times i am on the unpopular side.
do i talk about it? or just write vague art journal pages alluding to it?
hmmmm….

what is quiet certainty like?

surely
life would be
easier
if i could
speak
without questioning my voice
think
without examining my thoughts
act
without wondering what
motivates
me…
everything i put forth
is subject to a three dimensional
inquisition
am i right
am i wrong
am i pacifying
am i blowing it all
out
of proportion…
ah.
to attack
without regret
without anxiety
without a second thought
to conquer
without
wondering
why.

in these stupid times we are in…my resorting to a very simple adjective for a complicated matter…i follow my heart, as always…listen to my instinct, as always…but cannot quiet the chatter of voices within….
as always….

i don’t wanna grow old

okay.
i’m pretty despondent about this whole age thing. this is something that has never happened to me before. age is just a number, right?
but this number is freaking me out.
poop.
i am posting this the day after my birthday…but i wrote it two days before my birthday…& it is the day before my birthday as i am scheduling it to post.
(i hope i survive my birthday!)

my fault

this was also written during a fight with dusty as we try & fail to move forward.
watch as i start to spiral downward….
alas…hopefully this was only a setback.

wrapped up in anxiety

so! the little consignment art mart opened up again & since i have been trying to talk myself in to selling my art there for like six months now…i decided i should call them up and set up a time to bring my art in.
as soon as i thought it, the talking heads “love for sale” began playing on my mix.
you may or may not have noticed that i borrowed that title to use for the page of art for sale on this very site….
so i got out my phone & stared at it for a couple of hours…but eventually made the call…& did drop off art there on saturday.
so i am officially “out there” with my art.
at least in a small town in the driftless region of wisconsin….
baby steps.
anyhoo! this page was inspired by that struggle.

trapdoor heart

this is just something i started thinking about pets & livestock & then realized i could include most of my human relationships as well.

i am really really really uncomfortable even suggesting someone might adore me….
why is that, i wonder? hmmm

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