too tired to draw

i didn’t sleep at all last night. i have so much anxiety & restless brain syndrome. i lay awake wondering what i would do if i came across bullying/intolerance/hate crimes…i was playing it out in my head all night. the different scenarios. the different profound things i would say to turn them around and allow them to see the error of their ways.
i did that all night long. seriously. and if i did fall asleep, one of my kids would make sure i didn’t stay there long.

i am exhausted.

and so much anxiety! i had to leave the house today for the first time since tuesday. i live in a very small-town…very rural area. this area is historically referred to as a “sundown” area. a place for people of color to avoid when the sun went down.

i am white. very white. but i am also weird. partially shaved head, pierced nose, tattoos of pagan fertility symbols. i dress in mostly black skirts with striped socks and boots. i don’t look “straight.” i grew up here. i was bullied for being different. so, yeah, i was anxious about going out now that our president-elect has set loose the white supremacists & bigots of the country.

nothing happened. i was okay. i am told i put off a “don’t fuck with me” vibe.
i am also told i have an amazing smile.
i use both those things as weapons of protection.

nevertheless, anxiety & lack of sleep have me barely able to function.

i don’t think i can draw.

i just want to go watch indiana jones & the temple of doom with my kids & then go to bed.

but i promised i would do something every day. so here are four ink stains i prepared (last night) to be used during the next four days. i did not get to any of them today–as said. but i did find a koala bear in one that i am fairly excited about. i have never drawn a koala bear. maybe i will doodle later…but hopefully i will sleep instead of trying to figure out how to save the world.

i did ink stains for fidgit & iggy as well. or, i helped them. iggy did most of the work. they did work on theirs today. iggy says he has more to do (pink one.) fidgit says his is a picture of the big fish coming to the place in the ocean where the little fish clean them off. a real thing, apparently, and these are sharks, etc. that would be found in such a place. he apologized for some of it being inaccurate due to working with the stain, and i told him, “no sweat, i gave a narwhal a unicorn horn instead of a tusk.”
fidgit has taught me a lot about undersea life and inspired many of my drawings of the such.

finian1

sawyer1-1