reading the dead gnats at the bottom of my beer glass like they are tea leaves fortelling my doom but look! seven! my lucky number & i strain them out so i can finish my drink.
a companion page to yesterday’s. though i still like beer…it does not seem to like me very much. i’ve started suffering from headaches & joint pain when i have just one beer. having two results in journal pages like this one….
day seven at madness manor sexy…so not sexy my house is sexy not i forgive me my sins my trespasses i would better serve you if i were sexy fuck. i’m lonely …if i buy it build it will he come? my handy man yes? to my sexy house.
so i started being a “free-aholic” in the spirit of “freegans” …in that i am only drinking when the alcohol is free. so i’ve been mostly sober lately. however my ex husband brought me a six pack of strong beer when he came to take the minions. this poem is the result of drinking two of those too closely together. yikes. but i do feel very lonely. i look at myself, alone, and i feel such a profound pain. i think maybe my pain can be heard. like a siren’s song? ah. a journal page for another day.
(this was written on day seven, but posted on day 12)
just for fun i’m only drinking when i really really really feel like it (not just as a reflex happy hour for one) & sometimes not even then opting to notice the *need* & just let it go… so now i notice when my mind turns to craving the numbness alcohol brings i am noticing now when & why i wish to be numb.
mostly it is times when being a mom feels overwhelming & impossible…or when my ex is picking picking picking at the energy field around me, whittling it away…
but today, my neighbor (mentioned yesterday) came to my house to complain about my twelve year old. yes. he is annoying. sneaky. manipulative. & plays really really rough sometimes (he has sensory processing disorder & doesn’t always respect boundaries) …but he is also a scapegoat for women/mothers like my neighbor. hyper judgey gossipy drama queens. i’ve noticed a pattern. & it’s not like her kids are any better. also, she is best buds with the kid who is my kid’s arch nemesis. another sneaky & manipulative boy about my son’s age. so it’s kinda annoying that she thinks this kid is golden while mine is garbage? & the other day i told this rotten neighbor kid to stop making drama & to play nicely with all the kids instead of causing problems. he told angry neighbor lady (not his mom–i don’t even know who his mom is) that i yelled at him. i did not yell at him. so bitchy neighbor lady is telling me i cannot talk to kids? i have to talk to parents??? i told her bullshit–if a kid is causing problems with my kids–fuck yeah i’m going to say something. otherwise who the fuck is checking these kids’ behavior? if my kid is being an ass, i expect someone to tell him (nicely & as an adult) that he is being an ass. it takes a fucking village, right?
long story short–i really could have used a drink after throwing said neighbor lady out of my house–but i did not partake. just noted the urge. & let it go….
i’ve noticed that i have inked faces familiar to the one on my journal page above several times. maybe i should name her?