tolerating the intolerable

one of my gifts
my dysfunctional super powers
one of the survival instincts
that kicked in
early
was an ability
to tolerate
intolerable
situations
breathe through
breath held
one day at a time
with the prize in sight
always
with my eyes on that prize
…escape
ignoring with all my might
the pain
surrounding
me
until the day
i would no longer
have to.

i spent my abusive childhood waiting for the day i could run away. i moved out of that house the week i graduated high school.
in every dysfunctional relationship, i plotted my escape. tolerating the intolerable until i could safely leave.
all the messed up places i have lived…i pretended it wasn’t so bad until the day i could move away.

motherhood is the only place i refuse to do that…
wait…or am i doing it? holding myself just together enough until the day my spawn finally fly away from me….
fuck…how can i even tell? it has become second nature.

my green man dance

i am the eagle
i am the empress
i am the green man
only the warrior
is missing from my spread
i soar above
i embody motherhood
i am the essence of the earth
a feral thing
with bared teeth
i am
who i am
i am
a celebration
of me.

those are the last three cards i drew from my three different divination decks (two tarot & one medicine card deck.) i really should do a fresh spread, but i have been drawing strength from these cards as reflections of me. i am hoping i can believe this of myself. i totally see the green man in me…but i worry i need more of the empress; more of the eagle.
maybe that is the message. to embrace these things that i fear i am lacking.

hmmm.

my way

i’ve got a chip
on my shoulder
i’ve got
an axe to grind
&
fuck you
i’m gonna do it
my way.

more of this. anger…angst…figuring out who i am. the hero or the anti-hero…i think i am more of the second one. when i try to be the hero things just get messy.
so maybe the trick is accepting that i am not the hero.
& wondering if i ever really even wanted to be the hero.
i mean, i showcase my flaws–i don’t hide them under spandex. i definitely lean to the dark side while still holding something of a moral compass.
i guess things just aren’t as black & white as hero & villain. & who would want them to be? things are much more colorful this way.

a horse called fury

i am not a martyr
for my cause
i am not
going to suffer
so you can
live
without sin
i will ride in
on a horse called fury
i will swing
my sword
indiscriminately
&
i will
burn
this motherfucker
down.

you will all be relieved to hear i was able to download more criminal minds after i figured out that the site i use had changed addresses & i was following a dead link…. yup.
in last night’s watched episode, my favorite character (dr. reid) said, “everything falls apart…the trick is letting go.”
which i’m sure he was saying right to me–yes?
it feels to me like i am often watching everything fall apart.
add in trying to figure out who i really am…am i a good person? or am i a serial killer who just has not yet been triggered? i honestly lean more to the latter these days.
i am exhausted by thoughtless people.

speaking of! i am playing with two new ideas for comics.

the invisibles

and the misanthropic philantropist

dreaming

i dreamed last night that i quite easily allowed
myself to be wooed by a pretty man full of
flattery & affection. he was a teacher who
was neglecting his students & i noted this
(as one of the students) but supported his
behavior anyway. by the end of the dream
he was tossing me aside to pursue another
woman. this woman, however, saw &
was repulsed by his shallow nature & easily
rejected him. i applauded her rejection of
him & validated it while vilifying the man…
still aware of my own seemingly shallow
nature in so eagerly encouraging his
affections previously….

a waking dream a few mornings back. it had a large impact on me…made me examine who i am and what i have learned about myself–especially concerning relationships and skeezy men. maybe it loops back to yesterday’s post about knowing what i am capable of.
can i be in a relationship right now? am i healthy enough? self-aware enough?
hmmm.
jury’s still out on this one.

against the odds

when i was a kid
i couldn’t say my “s” sound
without sticking out my tongue
i was put into speech therapy
to remedy my lisp
& i remember clearly how proud
i was of myself
for not only learning to keep my tongue in my mouth
but also learning to do it while missing
my two front teeth
maybe even then
the universe was trying to teach me
something learned despite a setback, a handicap
something learned the hard way
is so much more
valuable.

here is my big epiphany of the week. i go to a chiropractor/energy worker almost once a week. in addition to having a much more aligned body, i have an epiphany almost every time i am lying there on the table. i totally recommend a good body worker for getting things moving.
this epiphany, this is a big one.

the deep end

told i could not swim & then
thrown into the deep end
my family of origin
all of us fucked up
in our won special way
all of us
thrown in the deep end
trying not to drown
& pushing each other under
i was finally getting my stroke down
making my own waves
when they grabbed me
by the knees
pushed me down
by the shoulders
pulled under
again

i have been struggling more than usual lately, trying to get my wonky head back on straight….
then my sister, with a history of mental illness, became despondent & suicidal and my being the only one living near her, put me in the position of rescuer & caretaker.
this is not not not a position i enjoy &, in fact, i begin to fall apart even more when put in this position.
so here i am
trying as hard as i can
to keep my head above water.

(at least i am able to be consistent in my metaphor…)

seed or stone? (the second page)

how do i warm
to the idea of a
relationship
when so many
relationships
have brought me
pain?
how do i convince myself
“sure, let’s try this
again”
let’s invite
another
into my heart
my life
my bed
when all i know
is pain?
the sun needs to warm
the cold stone
i call my
heart
so it can
sprout
so it can
grow
into a majestic tree
green
&
fruitful.

this is the second page of a two page spread as i try to soften & open myself to relationships after a lifetime of keeping my heart shielded.

seed or stone?

I am a mushy plum
with a stone
for a heart
can i love?
am i even
able
to accept a man
into that hard hard
heart
of mine?
i think i am afraid
to make someone
happy
after so so many years
of being
so so
successful
at making others
miserable
what if
i would rather
make you cry
than to see
your smile?

i am thinking a lot about opening myself up to love. something i have not done for many many years–if ever. i built all these walls and traps to keep love away. now i am ready to think about family. and to me, family includes a relationship with a man.
but sometimes when i imagine being in a relationship…i just feel terrified.
and then i wonder if i am even capable of being in a relationship….

(here is the complete page–tomorrow’s post will be the opposite page to today’s)

autumn madonna

i think more people
will benefit
from my brilliant smile
than will
from said smile
being covered.

i think a lot…i think a lot about how we, as primates, are possibly doing damage by not seeing faces of friends & strangers. a lot is communicated through the face. i have been binge watching lie to me, a show about how much is communicated through expression. and my being an adult child of an abusive household–i learned to read faces rather than listen to words. so how the fuck is all of this affecting us, really?
something to think (lay awake at night & obsess) about….
what is it they used to say about how you need so many positive experiences to negate those negative ones? how can i make your day better after all the stress, if you won’t let me show you my smile???
crap.

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