unfinished

i grew up in a house
that was never
finished
a house that was never
whole
the house was built
before i was born
but remained
always
unfinished
incomplete
through my entire life there
after i left
they built a sunroom
remodeled the prison cell style
bathroom
carpeted
the basement
but still left the house
unfinished
incomplete
i cannot imagine
the house i grew up in
as ever finished
but as i look around the unfinished
house
i live in now
i can clearly see it whole
if not
finished.

so how much did it affect me to grow up in a house that was never finished? was it a reflection on my birth family? my parents?
it kind of drove me crazy. two large rooms in the house just became a parking garage for crap. they could have been finished. they just never were.
what does this say?
now i have my madness manor which has missing floor. missing walls…. & i wonder, am i just socialized now to accept an unfinished house…or did i buy an unfinished house so i could finally finish the unfinished part of me?
does any of this make sense?
(it totally does to me)

this is the last page of my art journal started on april 6th of this year. while i was trying to ink my monarch woman, i watched a monarch butterfly flit around the flowers in my yard. seemed kismit at the time 🙂

broken

when you grow up broken
how do you learn to feel
whole?
when you grow up without
love
how do you learn to be
loved?

this thought was prompted by watching the second season of the end of the f***ing world (a very good netflix show.)

of course it is a thought that made a lot of sense to me. i wonder…do i even know what love feels like? my tarot cards are telling me of relationships…of moving past being injured to value myself & allow myself to be valued. but what does that look like?
do you think i can draw a picture of that?

help me

help me, mother
help me, father
i cry to the parents
i never had
the parents who
never taught me
how to be
help me, cosmic mama
show me, cosmic da
be gentle
with me
hold me; soothe me
chase away my demons.

this might be my admitting that i do need parents. the parents i got were pretty bad. some moments of good…but all in all, a crapfest. is it too late for me to appeal to some universal parents? to admit that i can’t do this on my own?

i did find myself watching a woodpecker outside the window of my house as it ate ants off of a fruiting tree, thinking to myself, my dead dad led me here…to this house. thinking that maybe it was a gift from him, from wherever he is now. an apology? an attempt to not be a shitstorm of a dad?

maybe if i open myself up to the parenting that i have been refusing ever since i figured out my parents where not going to give me what i needed (sadly, i figured this out at a very young age)…maybe if i open myself up now to being parented? maybe….

tolerating the intolerable

one of my gifts
my dysfunctional super powers
one of the survival instincts
that kicked in
early
was an ability
to tolerate
intolerable
situations
breathe through
breath held
one day at a time
with the prize in sight
always
with my eyes on that prize
…escape
ignoring with all my might
the pain
surrounding
me
until the day
i would no longer
have to.

i spent my abusive childhood waiting for the day i could run away. i moved out of that house the week i graduated high school.
in every dysfunctional relationship, i plotted my escape. tolerating the intolerable until i could safely leave.
all the messed up places i have lived…i pretended it wasn’t so bad until the day i could move away.

motherhood is the only place i refuse to do that…
wait…or am i doing it? holding myself just together enough until the day my spawn finally fly away from me….
fuck…how can i even tell? it has become second nature.

my green man dance

i am the eagle
i am the empress
i am the green man
only the warrior
is missing from my spread
i soar above
i embody motherhood
i am the essence of the earth
a feral thing
with bared teeth
i am
who i am
i am
a celebration
of me.

those are the last three cards i drew from my three different divination decks (two tarot & one medicine card deck.) i really should do a fresh spread, but i have been drawing strength from these cards as reflections of me. i am hoping i can believe this of myself. i totally see the green man in me…but i worry i need more of the empress; more of the eagle.
maybe that is the message. to embrace these things that i fear i am lacking.

hmmm.

my way

i’ve got a chip
on my shoulder
i’ve got
an axe to grind
&
fuck you
i’m gonna do it
my way.

more of this. anger…angst…figuring out who i am. the hero or the anti-hero…i think i am more of the second one. when i try to be the hero things just get messy.
so maybe the trick is accepting that i am not the hero.
& wondering if i ever really even wanted to be the hero.
i mean, i showcase my flaws–i don’t hide them under spandex. i definitely lean to the dark side while still holding something of a moral compass.
i guess things just aren’t as black & white as hero & villain. & who would want them to be? things are much more colorful this way.

a horse called fury

i am not a martyr
for my cause
i am not
going to suffer
so you can
live
without sin
i will ride in
on a horse called fury
i will swing
my sword
indiscriminately
&
i will
burn
this motherfucker
down.

you will all be relieved to hear i was able to download more criminal minds after i figured out that the site i use had changed addresses & i was following a dead link…. yup.
in last night’s watched episode, my favorite character (dr. reid) said, “everything falls apart…the trick is letting go.”
which i’m sure he was saying right to me–yes?
it feels to me like i am often watching everything fall apart.
add in trying to figure out who i really am…am i a good person? or am i a serial killer who just has not yet been triggered? i honestly lean more to the latter these days.
i am exhausted by thoughtless people.

speaking of! i am playing with two new ideas for comics.

the invisibles

and the misanthropic philantropist

dreaming

i dreamed last night that i quite easily allowed
myself to be wooed by a pretty man full of
flattery & affection. he was a teacher who
was neglecting his students & i noted this
(as one of the students) but supported his
behavior anyway. by the end of the dream
he was tossing me aside to pursue another
woman. this woman, however, saw &
was repulsed by his shallow nature & easily
rejected him. i applauded her rejection of
him & validated it while vilifying the man…
still aware of my own seemingly shallow
nature in so eagerly encouraging his
affections previously….

a waking dream a few mornings back. it had a large impact on me…made me examine who i am and what i have learned about myself–especially concerning relationships and skeezy men. maybe it loops back to yesterday’s post about knowing what i am capable of.
can i be in a relationship right now? am i healthy enough? self-aware enough?
hmmm.
jury’s still out on this one.

against the odds

when i was a kid
i couldn’t say my “s” sound
without sticking out my tongue
i was put into speech therapy
to remedy my lisp
& i remember clearly how proud
i was of myself
for not only learning to keep my tongue in my mouth
but also learning to do it while missing
my two front teeth
maybe even then
the universe was trying to teach me
something learned despite a setback, a handicap
something learned the hard way
is so much more
valuable.

here is my big epiphany of the week. i go to a chiropractor/energy worker almost once a week. in addition to having a much more aligned body, i have an epiphany almost every time i am lying there on the table. i totally recommend a good body worker for getting things moving.
this epiphany, this is a big one.

the deep end

told i could not swim & then
thrown into the deep end
my family of origin
all of us fucked up
in our won special way
all of us
thrown in the deep end
trying not to drown
& pushing each other under
i was finally getting my stroke down
making my own waves
when they grabbed me
by the knees
pushed me down
by the shoulders
pulled under
again

i have been struggling more than usual lately, trying to get my wonky head back on straight….
then my sister, with a history of mental illness, became despondent & suicidal and my being the only one living near her, put me in the position of rescuer & caretaker.
this is not not not a position i enjoy &, in fact, i begin to fall apart even more when put in this position.
so here i am
trying as hard as i can
to keep my head above water.

(at least i am able to be consistent in my metaphor…)

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