i didn’t sleep at all last night. i have so much anxiety & restless brain syndrome. i lay awake wondering what i would do if i came across bullying/intolerance/hate crimes…i was playing it out in my head all night. the different scenarios. the different profound things i would say to turn them around and allow them to see the error of their ways.
i did that all night long. seriously. and if i did fall asleep, one of my kids would make sure i didn’t stay there long.
i am exhausted.
and so much anxiety! i had to leave the house today for the first time since tuesday. i live in a very small-town…very rural area. this area is historically referred to as a “sundown” area. a place for people of color to avoid when the sun went down.
i am white. very white. but i am also weird. partially shaved head, pierced nose, tattoos of pagan fertility symbols. i dress in mostly black skirts with striped socks and boots. i don’t look “straight.” i grew up here. i was bullied for being different. so, yeah, i was anxious about going out now that our president-elect has set loose the white supremacists & bigots of the country.
nothing happened. i was okay. i am told i put off a “don’t fuck with me” vibe.
i am also told i have an amazing smile.
i use both those things as weapons of protection.
nevertheless, anxiety & lack of sleep have me barely able to function.
i don’t think i can draw.
i just want to go watch indiana jones & the temple of doom with my kids & then go to bed.
but i promised i would do something every day. so here are four ink stains i prepared (last night) to be used during the next four days. i did not get to any of them today–as said. but i did find a koala bear in one that i am fairly excited about. i have never drawn a koala bear. maybe i will doodle later…but hopefully i will sleep instead of trying to figure out how to save the world.
i did ink stains for fidgit & iggy as well. or, i helped them. iggy did most of the work. they did work on theirs today. iggy says he has more to do (pink one.) fidgit says his is a picture of the big fish coming to the place in the ocean where the little fish clean them off. a real thing, apparently, and these are sharks, etc. that would be found in such a place. he apologized for some of it being inaccurate due to working with the stain, and i told him, “no sweat, i gave a narwhal a unicorn horn instead of a tusk.”
fidgit has taught me a lot about undersea life and inspired many of my drawings of the such.
this is what i started with
so i found the mama first.
man, she looks sad. the weight of the world, right?
i found her imaginings of her unborn child around her.
fairy creatures by her feet.
i wonder…with all that is going on in the world. it is a tough decision to bring new life. the weight of all that is wrong, balanced with what all could be.
that is my drawing today.
despair and hope.
all mixed together.
did i plan on drawing a wildebeest today? okay, i can imagine wanting to draw a bison. but a wildebeest & a fencer?
that’s why i enjoy these drawings. these exercises. they show me things i would not have drawn. i see them. i draw them. and i think, “huh. i’ve never drawn that before.”
this is what i started with. do you see a wildebeest? a bison? i do. that is fun for me. the cheerleaders…i’m not so sure about. i think there is something deeper. flowers & mother earth. pollination.
it’s been a rough day.
all this crazy energy in the air.
even living out in the country, i can feel it. and it wore me out. i started my picture pretty late because i was so worn out. i felt like negativity was just everywhere.
i spent too much time on facebook–got in a fight with someone blaming this mess on third party voters…really?? really?? that is ludicrous.
so i took a big nap. listened to the coyotes. looked at the stars. and drew a bison. a wildebeest. some sheep, cheerleaders, flowers, and a fencer.
tomorrow, hopefully, will be a better day.
for art & humankind.
today’s is another one close to my beliefs.
the hawk, again, one of my spirit guides…the hawk says to
build your nest high in the mountains.
recently i referred to dusty as a badger.
refusing to be ousted.
it occurs to me that the badger builds his nest under the earth.
dusty & me.
i am aiming for the clouds.
he doesn’t want to come up & into the sunshine.
we aren’t even compatible in where we would build our nest.
i saw the badger first.
then i saw the hawk.
the placement is even accurate for these two spirit animals.
as i finished up my picture…it occurred to me that i should be doing before and after and maybe even during photos of my work. see if you see what i see. show you where my weird drawings start since you get to see where they stop.
remind me; i will do that tomorrow.
i talked about being an empath.
yesterday i woke with the weight of the world on me.
i just wanted to hide.
but today i am light.
i opened my heart and let in the energy of the world.
and it was good.
so there is some trippy new-agey ink stain art for you .
the badger & the hawk do not make proper bedfellows.
we are just wrong.
dusty & i.
it doesn’t have to be who is wrong…we just are wrong.
do i always sea the sea
or does the sea seak me?
today’s drawing is a doodle ink blot. i wonder. i go into the drawings not knowing what i will find. but i often find sea creatures. so am i looking for sea creatures? or is that what i am finding?
but i saw a pterosaur today.
i cannot draw pterosaurs.
i messed it up–but then i fixed it–ish.
i felt like a 3rd grader because i was thinking of just putting a big black cloud over the part i fucked up. haha! i am actually pretty proud of fixing it as much as i did. it looked terrible to begin with. the end result is at least 5th grade level (no offense to the lower levels!)
however, as i was finishing this one up, i got deja vu. which happens a lot when i am drawing. then i try to remember if i drew that picture before. i wonder if vincent van gogh ever got that feeling as he did yet another self-portrait. i love vincent van gogh & all of his self-portraits–i’m just saying, “wait…did i do this one before?”
i was thinking. that thing they say about taking 30 days to start/end a habit. so i spent 31 days drawing every day. and now it’s my habit. that is pretty damn awesome. i am usually hanging by a thin thread of sanity. drawing every day has definitely strengthened that string.
yesterday, after doing “mister chicken” i started doodling in my journal where i have some ink spills waiting for my impression (today’s is also one such doodle). my journal pages are not the good paper that i do some of my work on, so i am more comfortable just messing around. plus, i was planning on sending this one in a letter to the boy of yesteryear who still owns my heart (it’s been 20 years & i’m still not over him!) i write him random letters. who knows if i even have his right address. someone could be collecting these neurotic quixotic whimsical letters singing his praises and apologizing a million times for what went wrong….
but, anyhoo! this is a doodle & a letter started to said heartbreaker.
i just read it again.
now watch, i’ll drink a beer and actually mail it.
but the art is fun, right? i thought the art was fun.
so as it turns out,
i’m not crazy–i’m an empath.
sometimes i’m still crazy.
but when i get super sad and then feel elated the next minute–
the thing is–
i often don’t feel my own emotions,
i feel other people’s emotions.
i always knew i was really really empathetic
but only in the past couple of years have i learned about being an empath.
so i’m an empath.
i feel things
and know things
that other people cannot sense.
i know when someone is lying.
i can see an aura better than i can notice the color of your eyes.
and it has come to my attention that being an empath–& not knowing how to protect yourself–is a dangerous & even a bad thing.
i don’t know how to protect me.
i lay open for everyone to just dump their emotions in.
and then i turn into a raging pond of dumped emotions.
so today i was reading a book about service dogs for families that have special needs children and i felt profoundly sad. and instead of just feeling sad, i examined why i felt sad…only to realize that the sadness was not my own, but the sadness of these families.
it finally clicked.
i was not feeling my own emotions.
i was feeling someone else’s!!
and just like that, the sadness evaporated.
how often am i doing that?
being angry with someone else’s anger?
being happy with someone else’s happiness?
being frustrated with someone else’s frustration?
when i was a child, i loved animals. all animals. i loved them. i collected them. i had over fifty pets as a kid–and even more imaginary ones.
but my dad was so angry.
and he put that anger on us kids
and on the animals.
and i felt myself absorb that anger.
i felt it grow inside me.
i recognized it when it came out–it was his anger, not mine.
but over the years i adopted it as my own.
i was the one being angry at the animals.
it stopped being his and became mine.
and i felt so horrible about it
i cringe to think that that is who i am.
but what if it isn’t?
if i now realize it is not my anger after all…can i send it on its way?
i can’t tell you how excited i am about this picture.
how excited i am that the whole INKtober experience got me not only drawing every day but also doing a form of art that really resonates with me.
the ink blot
scrying in ink
form of drawing i have been doing.
today my three spirit animal guides showed up in my picture! i put paint on these pages. then i try to keep them away from the minions while they dry. then i pick them up. look at them. turn them. look at them again. turn them.
until i see something.
so i really do not know what i am going to draw each day.
it is an adventure.
as i said before
a meditation of sorts.
so i am pagan–which basically means i am of a nature religion. and i identify with celtic paganism because my ancestors come from western europe where the celts used to run wild before the romans conquered them and introduced catholicism.
i am celtic/pagan. and i read tarot and use medicine cards and look for signs in the every day.
and in my art.
which i have come to feel is my magic
(along with cooking & gardening)
so that’s why i am in love with today’s drawing.
the dog, the bear, and the hawk.
they are my spirit guides.
their visit today in my picture is a comfort to me in a time of extreme doubt.
so it would be like if i were still catholic and found the virgin mary burned in my toast.
it’s like that.
(sorry for the trippy, new-agey blathering…i’m still punk rock.)
ps. more on the dork fest– i wanted to put symbols of the elements on the katana, so i googled “element symbols.” google offered a sub-topic of celtic element symbols and i clicked it and found symbols for the elements that consist of spirals! if you look at my art–i love spirals. i often try to incorporate spirals in my work. they actually calm me down. so! are my ancestors speaking to me through my art?
discuss it amongst yourselves.