i think i’m addicted to online shopping for relationships.
i’m having conversations with people i am not romantically interested in just to have a grown up conversation. is that against the rules? my plan is to just bail & cancel my account if things go south.
i did a bunch of ink stains last night. i am waiting for them to dry. looks like picnic style meals today! yay! another thing they will put in their tell-all autobiographies.
here is kind of an idea of what the white ink on grey & brown tone paper will look like:
i am very excited. looking at the stains as the ink dries. so excited!
gad. this is how i feel today.
i wish i could just hang from a tree and let vegetation grow in my hair.
the minions would chop that fucking tree down and pluck me naked though. get this. i’m trying to do yoga. except it’s very free form. stretching & poses combined with weights & kickboxing & dancing. i did it successfully while they were at their dad’s. so i have been trying to keep it up.
they roll my yoga mat up and pretend it’s a gun.
they roll each other up in my yoga mat.
they latch onto my ankles and sit on my feet.
today, i had to search the house for my weights because someone ran off with my weights.
fuck a duck.
what is that? i am stressed out and want to exercise to reduce my stress and depression and body fat so i can feel better about myself. and they do everything they can to stop me? what is the evolutionary purpose of pissing off the mama when she is trying to de-stress? i am not sure my minions have a clear idea of survival instincts.
also. i was going to do this picture yesterday, and even spent ample time just staring at the stain, but ended up trying out another dating site instead. i am going fucking stir crazy and no person should be subjected to the tortures my minions inflict on me. no one should have to spend isolated days being screamed at by one’s offspring.
so as an escape i started online shopping for relationships. i can say that plenty of fish is way better than okcupid. i dunno. i’m not sure i can do it. but at least i’m having adult conversations with other grown ups. you know, cyberly. but i totally do not understand why someone would put up a photo of themselves wearing sunglasses as a profile picture. and why do you need to show me your motorcycle, boat, off-road vehicle, fast car, fish trophy, etc. what is that? is that some male instinct to prove something? and what does having that stuff prove exactly? you are good at providing yourself with lots of toys? also. the need to let the ladies know you are a good cuddler. i do not get it. it actually gives me the heebie-jeebies.
so at least i am entertaining myself and my minions run circles around me screaming their little heads off.
i used a grey tone paper. i’m not sure if i’m working it. maybe a white ink stain on grey paper would work better? i will try that next. i think it is successful for what i was going for. in the end. i liked using the white ink even though i was kind of coating it on to try to get a porcelain effect. i thought about doing more white–but again–i think it might work better to just do a white ink stain on the grey paper.
also, i keep using sketch paper for these very inky very watery pictures. i’m not sure it is a good idea, but i kind of like abusing the paper. letting that influence the drawing.
i usually work with all of my favorite inkings hanging around my desk on a clothes line. however, i started to notice they were getting corrupted by dust & sunshine. so i took them down. i still have my kids’ art hanging around me, but i feel lonely without the little voices of my drawings to keep me company.
speaking of little voices. here is a fun fact about me. like a lot of rational grown ups, i have a healthy fear of dolls. when i was a kid, i didn’t like dolls. you know, in daylight they aren’t so bad. but night always comes. i got so many dolls & stuffed animals as a kid that i freaked out. i thought they would notice if i wasn’t giving them equal attention, and that they would rise up against me.
so i locked them all in the closet.
again, the blessing & the curse of an over-active imagination. without it i probably couldn’t do these inkings, but fuck it can be a nightmare.
so this is the 6th day of january, and i have done five ink drawings. not bad. especially since i have to do them while minions run crazy around me. bumping & jostling. getting mad at me for not paying enough attention to them because i am doing art (my fifth child)…turns out, i can’t just lock the minions in a closet. it’s frowned upon, evidently. so much for giving dolls to little girls to teach them to be good moms…ha!
does this make me look silly?
i also thought of naming this one “matti-rex” because of a family joke. we know this man named matti who is somewhat flamboyant in his appearance, and one time we hadn’t seen him in awhile and when we did see him, he had a very impressive handlebar mustache. after we left him again, my minions started grabbing anything they could find to use as a mustache and proclaiming, “i am matti!”
it has, of course, become a running joke. even my three year old does it–not having any idea why he does it–just knowing it will get a laugh.
this is one of the inkings i have done–like quite a few others–where overall i am not sure i like it, but certain elements of it really appeal to me. it’s kind of a goof-off drawing. but i did have fun with it. i mean i decided, laying in bed this morning, that the ink stain most looked like a mustache (after a few days of wondering what it was.) then i looked for the face and found a t-rex.
okay…i am going to name it matti-rex. because, why the fuck not?
i grew up with a pond (i actually live there again–next to said pond–after being gone almost 30 years) so i can attest that this inking is actually pretty accurate.
is there a word for someone with a fear of the murky depths? i mean, i swim in lakes & in the ocean…but i cannot lose that nagging feeling about the things i cannot see.
maybe that’s with everything though. fear of what i cannot see. monsters under the water. faces in the window when my back is turned. creepy crawlers just right out of sight. blessed & cursed with an active imagination.
we could delve deeper.
fear of the unknown.
fear of what i cannot control.
fear. it’s not a word i really ever associate with myself. i mean, i will do most anything on a dare. i will purposely forge into terrain that makes me uncomfortable. i don’t believe in letting fear stop me.
but i do let it stop me. i have a fear of success. in both art & relationships. i have a fear of swimming into the murky bits of myself and exploring. i have a fear of living up to my full potential.
isn’t that weird? where does that come from?
as i was loading up the inkstain for this inking, i saw several different figures i did not see when i did this drawing. i kind of want to go back & do it with what i see in the ink now. that’s what i get for working while watching doctor who while minions crawl all over me.
i dunno. i’m not sure i like this one. i’m not sure what it is about. if it is about anything. are my pictures really ever about anything? or are they about everything? i draw what i see & what i feel.
but overall, i really do like my work. i really do. i was looking to see what it would look like on t-shirts & mugs…on leggings. i think my ink would be cool on leggings.
and, of course, it would look nice hanging on walls. i have mine hanging all around me. my favorites…or ones with elements that i want to use more. inspirations.
also! my nephews read my moses jones zines & now want to be part of the story. i was like, “what the hell…i can do that.” maybe that’s how i can make money. write personal graphic novels for people. ha! let people star in their own comic.
it didn’t work out so well for my exhusband #2. he wanted to be in moses jones, and that is how dusty was born. i didn’t plan to make him into a “bad guy” or “dead-beat dad” (as one comic review labeled him.) i wrote & drew what i felt, and it turned my ex into dusty knickers.
he will never forgive me for it, either.
how is that going, you ask?
though i am still struggling with doing it all on my own, i have not once regretted asking him to leave. i do not want him back. he wheedles and manipulates and tries to wiggle back in, but i am so tough i won’t even go to eat culver’s with him. yes. you heard me. i turn down free culver’s so that i do not have to interact with my ex. that, my friends, is a strength i have not felt in years.
yay for me.
i had to quit shopping for people online. i mean, i felt i was really clear on my profile, but i shouldn’t be surprised to realize that most men don’t actually read the profile. there is a “message me if” section where i wrote:
honestly, i am just here to find someone to talk to. i don’t want anyone who is going to judge me or who just wants to get laid or who is going to tell me how to live my life. i just want someone to laugh with. to share little parts of my day with.
if i ever do this again–i’m going to add sometime like, “start you message with ‘hello sunshine!’ to show you actually read my profile.”
i had a very nice gentleman go into way way way too much detail about what he wants from a sexual partner.
i had another man emailing me his intentions and being very enthusiastic about my being the one…then i got a facebook message from one of the other women he has been wooing. we compared notes and decided that he was not being at all honest. she went on to find yet another woman he was actively pursuing.
i had to cancel my membership.
but i realize something. i am special. you know, in a snowflake kind of way. someone would be lucky to have me in their life. i am not a complete fuck up. i have made a lot of mistakes and done a lot of regrettable things. but i am true to who i am.
and that is good.
someday i might even meet the person who appreciates & celebrates that.
but probably not on an online dating site.
so! new year; new drawing. i really like this one. i have been using sketch paper. it’s not always the best, but i kind of like the way the ink changes the paper. so i will keep playing around with it. however, i forget about the little perforated line and my inkings keep going right on over it. so that is something to think about.
happy new year!