unfurling

i am soft
i am open
i glow
like the moon
& am warmed
by the sun
my heart is
blossoming
my wings
unfurling.

more mantras to keep me to my path. soften. open. escape the safe prison of my cocoon.

left of center

some days
i think i am
holding the universe
together
other days
i am pretty sure
i am
tearing it
apart.

i did something to my right shoulder. i was doing sidearm planks earlier in the day, but it was evening on the couch with my minions when i felt something go terribly wrong. it hurts to move it. it hurts to hold it still. it hurts to sleep on it. it hurts to not sleep on it…. hmmm.
so! imagining a future with no mobility in my right arm, i totally did this inking left-handed.
what?
apparently my left hand isn’t the slacker i thought it was.

maiden, mother, crone II

i am maiden
i am mother
i am crone
i have a maiden’s
heart
i have a mother’s
strength
i have a crone’s
wisdom
the power of three
i am all
i am
everything.

i need to be chanting this mantra daily. i like that the first things i related to maiden, mother, & crone were heart, strength, & wisdom respectively. i also like that i do feel i have all three of these things.
but i do need to keep it at the front of my mind as i work towards the enlightenment i so long for.

i love how this illustration turned out. i had just gone to the house on the rock for a birthday celebration & was blown away by anything carved out of wood. mermaids, madonnas, marionettes…. and the giant squid vs. whale…. and the fucking carousel…i could have stared at it for hours.
so much fodder for future art!

maiden, mother, crone

how can i learn
to be crone
if i have never
learned
how to be maiden
or mother?
how can i accept
my crone
when i am still
pushing
away
my maiden
&
my mother?

more epiphanies on the roadblocks in my path. with my masculine nature being my dominant nature, i struggle with anything “feminine.” and when you put it in the terms of maiden, mother, crone my brain just runs away & denies all affiliation.
so i am working on, among other things, running towards…embracing…my maiden, mother, & crone.

where is the key?

my cocoon is both
a safe place
warm & comforting
as well as
a prison
a place to escape
but where
is the key?
i have kept
myself
in here
too
long
telling myself the same lies
the same
excuses
but the walls
are beginning
to suffocate
& will only
soften
when i do.

more journaling about this cocoon i am trying to find the door for. more illustration of an androgynous god. i did get butterfly earrings from my son & for myself (coincidentally) for our winter solstice celebration. so maybe this transformation is in the works?

coffin of change

how long have i been
trapped
in this cocoon
it is moot to wonder
who put me in here
no one person
did
but here i am
a coffin of change
my wings
growing in
are trapped
unable to fly
not quite
ready
to fly
but first
how do i get
out?
removing layer
after layer
sometimes clawing
as if for my very
life
sometimes
coaxing & caressing….
is that sunshine
i see?
a light?
can i feel a breeze…?

regarding the illustration, i have been asked to play with the image of the ardhanarishvara, a hindu composite of a god & a goddess. both the male & the female.
i had a bit of a challenge doing this, as i realized how feminine my men are & how masculine my women are. but a lot of the traditional representations of the ardhanarishvara are similar in their androgyny.
i have a lot of experience with feeling both an internal male energy alongside my female energy & feel very androgynous.
it used to be my male was the dominant one, but little by little my inner goddess is making herself heard.

regarding the verse…this is where i am. i’m not sure how long i have been here. i feel like it has been a long time. i am hoping to find my way out & into a transformation soon….

domino

today is a new day
yesterday
is gone
think
morning
not
mourning
because today
is a new day
&
even if nothing
changes
everything
changes
one
domino
topples into the next
&
tomorrow can bring
anything.

a moment of zen optimism??
in the spirit of optimism and a moment of “wow, look what i did” …i went to put my book confusion perfume and other neurotic comic (holiday gift idea!!) over on goodreads. i got an email that my listing was approved and went to check it out, only to find i have THREE books on goodreads. what? totally makes me feel like a real writer….

contact me for an autographed copy

mama belly

it’s the mama center
of my body
is that
my problem?
am i conflicted
so very
conflicted
by motherhood?
that all those
ugly feelings
have found a place
in my
mama belly
so deep
in there
that even the most
adamant
yoga workout
cannot
root it out?

more on my body image issues. i cannot not wonder if my aversion to my stomach fat has something to do with my struggles to be a mom.
plus, it’s a genetic trait from my own mother.
so there is that.
bleah.
but, i am working on working it all out. trying to learn to love my body & believe that someone else could love it as well.

autumn madonna

i think more people
will benefit
from my brilliant smile
than will
from said smile
being covered.

i think a lot…i think a lot about how we, as primates, are possibly doing damage by not seeing faces of friends & strangers. a lot is communicated through the face. i have been binge watching lie to me, a show about how much is communicated through expression. and my being an adult child of an abusive household–i learned to read faces rather than listen to words. so how the fuck is all of this affecting us, really?
something to think (lay awake at night & obsess) about….
what is it they used to say about how you need so many positive experiences to negate those negative ones? how can i make your day better after all the stress, if you won’t let me show you my smile???
crap.

out & about

last weekend
i went out
drank whiskey
& played darts
& pool
drank in the prettiness
of a man…
i kinda
want to go
out
again
this weekend
but is that just a
desperate
attempt
for a groundhog’s day?

referring to the bill murray movie about the man repeating the same day until he got it perfect…at one point in the movie he has a really good & spontaneous day–but then tries to re-create it the next day & it is completely false.
i did go out the following weekend, but said pretty man was not to be seen by me.
i am not sure i will go out again. i enjoy re-living days of old (to say i have spent a lot of time in bars flirting with boys would be an understatement) but maybe the tides have turned & there is no going home again….

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