terribly nice

i’ve gotten used to seeing
myself
as a bad person
a vengeful
siren
crashing men
on the rocks of me
seeing me
as a hurt person
lashing out
& being chased
by mobs with pitchforks
i have
unabashedly
celebrated
my horns & fangs…
but no matter
how terrible
i can be
there is this
nice & generous
this forgiving
creature
lurking inside of
me.

on the tail of trying to put all of me together…i discover that maybe i’m not a total cunt after all. huh.

all of me III

i’m like the blind guys
& the elephant
looking at myself
in pieces
trying to figure out
who i am
based on just
a part
of me
but never seeing
the complete
picture
never realizing
who i am
as a whole.

more of the discovery of myself as a whole. it is up & down. wednesday i was joyful. thursday i was deeply sad. i am just trying to stay with what i am feeling rather than pushing away my feelings. just trying to connect the dots.
so far so good.

(for those of you unfamiliar–there is a fable about seven (?) blind men finding an elephant. the guy who found the tail thought it was a rope. the guy who found a leg thought it was a tree. the guy who found the ear thought it was a fan…etc.)

all of me II

when i was a child
i thought i had to choose
between art & writing
i chose writing
when i had a child
i thought i had to choose
between writing & motherhood
i chose motherhood
i thought i had to choose
between being a mother
& being a lover
i chose
to be a mother
leaving all of these
pieces
of me
blowing in the wind
gusting by
one by one
i’m a mother
today
i’m an artist
today
maybe a writer
tomorrow
thoughts of being a lover
chances
to be a friend
a neighbor
a member
of the community
swirl around
in a tornado
of me
& for some reason
i cannot come to terms
with being all
with being
complete
i think i have to pick
& choose
& put parts of me on some
back burner
for another day
& this leaves me
incomplete
a flower
with just two petals
i need to learn
to embrace
all of me
and bloom
in full.

mixing up my metaphors all over the place…but you get the gist, right?
last night i dreamed of being in a happy family. poor & in a small apartment but happy. my ex (dusty) played the part of the father & the lover…but i don’t think the dream was about him. i suspect he represents a neutral “lover” figure as he is the one who has played that role for the longest stretch of time in my life.
so i think it was a good dream. maybe saying that at least my internal family is intact & healthy? which is actually huge. HUGE. that family has been a mess for…well, forever.
i think it was a good dream.
i think i am getting there.

all of me

to be a successful mother
i must also be
a successful
writer
to be a successful writer
i must also be
a successful
artist
to be a success
as an artist
i must be a success
as a lover
as a friend
as a human
being
there are no halfsies
no half-assed-ing it
i must be whole
to be complete
i must be complete
to be a success
i can’t just be part of myself
i must be all of me.

another home improvement project. i can’t just work on & improve part of me, it is all intertwined. to fix/succeed as only one aspect of my whole is not succeeding at all.
if that makes sense.
i don’t mean success in a financial manner. i mean success as my being all i can be. true.
sometimes i find myself wondering which i would choose in a sophie’s choice–my career as an artist & writer or a romantic relationship.
like if i choose one over the other i am somehow choosing wrong. it always feels like the wrong choice…i think because they are both important to me & both a part of who i am.
i have to choose both…in addition to my choice to be a mother. to be part of a community. to be a friend. to be a good person. all of it is braided together inside of me & if i try to unravel it
i unravel….

stay with the sad

stay
with the sad
sink
into the sad
it doesn’t
make you
tough
to avoid the pain
to run away from
the pain
to become aggressive & angry
are you a warrior?
or are you
just
being
an asshole?
avoiding pain
avoiding rejection
embracing isolation
your castle walls
becoming
your prison
break out
be sad
be needy
be loving
even if they don’t
love you
back.

my “home” improvement project right now. not resorting to anger when i feel rejected, slighted, ignored, etc. this has been my go-to move for as long as i can remember. even as a small child, feeling ignored by my parents, i made the choice to become invisible rather than to be attention-seeking.
as a grown up, i am all “what the fuck?” but i still understand the motivations of that little girl.
she wanted to be noticed…but felt that seeking that attention would mean any love she got would be tainted.
so i have waited around my entire life for someone to notice me.
okay, fine…but then i get pissed off when they don’t.
as a mom, i can see how parents could overlook a quiet child. i, of course, try to never do it…but when you are in a fucked up marriage & have six kids…sure, the quiet one will fall in the cracks.
i guess i have to forgive them for letting me fall in the cracks & let go of the anger…but then what?
it’s hard for me to imagine me as someone who goes out and demands attention…but maybe i do have to start–at least–visualizing it. maybe i can teach my monster to seek attention in healthy ways? rather than using aggression & isolation?

ps.
my kids kept asking “why is she screaming?”
i answered, “is she? or is she singing? or is she roaring?” i prefer to imagine she is roaring….

creepy art for the samhain

it’s the pagan holiday of samhain
the pagan new year’s
also, the day of the dead
the thinning of the veil
where the dead
creatures from other realms
& other creepsters
(like me)
come around
looking for love….

as a witch, this is a powerful time of year, and a good time to do a lot of personal & magical work. i like the effect it is having on my art 🙂

“over-buttered popcorn” (i let my son name it & his cat’s name is popcorn) …9X12 ink & pastels on watercolor paper…suggested price of $60

creepy art for all hallows eve….

feeling a bit creepy
and it shows in my art
this is the one day of the year
i wear make-up
i will be answering my door tonight
as a gruesome ghoul
& handing out monster
cookies.

“flower garden massacre”… 9X12 ink & acrylics on watercolor paper….suggested price of $60

hoodie of despair

so
usually
i turn to anger
after the sad
of rejection
because maybe i feel more in control
of the anger?
the ride goes like this:
you hurt me
(intentionally or unintentionally)
i feel rejected
i get
overwhelmingly
SAD
then i get
pissed off
i never needed you
anyway
in fact
i’m fucking brilliant
without you
& round & round
goes the merry
until i just want it all to
STOP
so maybe
i should see what happens if
i crawl inside my despair
pull it tight
around me
& see if i can feel the hurt
see if i can heal
the hurt.

if any of y’all are familiar with my self-portrait series…i have a sweater of depression in that collection. so this is my hoodie of despair. i tried to ink a sloth on her head…but it may look more like a lemur? i was having trouble transcribing the image of a sloth from my head to the paper….

this is what happens. that frankenstein’s monster emerges from my feeling of rejection (real or imagined or hinted at or whispers of) and then i go from victim to monster in the blink of an eye.
i want to stop that.
not that i don’t love & appreciate my inner monster…i just want to have her behave a bit more appropriately. and by appropriate, i mean in a constructive way, not a destructive way.
hmmm.
something to think on….

ps. three nights in a row i have dreamed of being at some sort of party, gathering, group function. also, i cannot stop the reoccurring dreams about my ex husband…thoughts?
the best i could come up with is that my ex husband represents bad relationships? bad decisions?
but what does a party represent to an introvert with misanthropic tendencies who still desires community?
more to think on….

fool’s errand

i am a fool
a noble fool
i am a joke
a quixotic
mama
fighting the giants
in my mind
on a quest
to win the hand
of one so true & fair
my own fool’s errand
my own heart’s calling.

i really like this inking & am thinking i will do a version on canvas.
this is more on my thoughts on accepting my foolish status in a world where the ridiculous are not celebrated (though they should be.)
i have been calling myself “quixotic” for years…but this is the first time i have stopped to really embrace that title.
and to give thanks to the universe for letting me see the world through my rainbow colored glasses.

my quixotic heart

ridiculous
or noble
these feelings i have for you
what if
you are the only
one
i can open my heart for
what if
you never walk through
that door
is that a truth i am willing
to accept
does that make me a fool?
i will be the first
to laugh
at me
the first to mock
my homemade pain
but my heart
is true
ridiculous
& noble.

i pulled the coyote card yesterday when reading medicine cards. friday night, i got home after one in the morning from dropping off my kids, and when i got out of my car, the coyotes were screaming. the next night, when i laid down to bed, they started up again.
screaming
laughing
that crazy noise they make.
the coyote medicine card is a prankster card. a card that talks of being the butt of a joke.
i am a joke.
i know this.
my ridiculous feelings for someone i lost almost thirty years ago.
truly quixotic.
i am living up to my name.

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