this is what i want; this is what i need

what do i need right now?
pornographic emails from a cute stranger?
or a shoulder to cry on
a friend who can listen
do i need to get laid…or do i need a hug
all of the above?
what do i need right now?

turns out i do not need pornographic emails…do i want them? that is a completely different matter. right now, however, i am focusing on my needs. the pornographic emails were nice?…kind of…they made me wonder too much about the motives of the sender…and what it said about me. i mean, attention is nice…but i need the right kind of attention.
i reached out to someone with mental health issues just to check in–and i am not sure what happened after that. it got graphic a lot faster than i was comfortable with….
it was like, jesus, buy a person dinner first.
i never realized a virtual fuckbuddy could be a selfish lover…
you learn something new every day!

trust

trust is a thing i struggle
to have faith in
faith
is a thing i struggle
to trust
but maybe
just maybe
i am on the right path
maybe just maybe
i can trust that my journey
is true
have faith
that i am moving in the right
direction

i have had more epiphanies/art journal musings about this in the next few pages. i am struggling with a lot of life decisions and am realizing how little faith in myself i was taught to have. it has been an uphill battle most my life-faith & trust in myself.
bleah.

motherhood

i made it my impossible dream
living with only it in mind
& when i found it
i embraced it. made it my everything
got completely
utterly
lost in it
with time however & happenstance
i began to wear it
as my own crown of thorns. my misery
my impossible escape
then i began to push it away
to deny it like peter at the gate
not me
not this
sleight of hand. look over there
nothing to see here…definitely not me
not like this….
but now i see
it is yet another balancing act
a recipe
i have to be
a little of this. a little of that.
& every bit of me.

i tried for ten years to have a successful pregnancy. then bang bang bang bang…i was a mother of four. i have been on a roller coaster of identity crisis. i am sure the ride will continue the rest of my life, but now i am figuring out how to throw myself into the twist & turns, ups & down.

trap falls

i am so used to butting my head
against every wall i can find
that i become skittish
if things go too smoothly
start looking for trap falls
that very possibly
are not there at all.

this is a realization with my on-going spin out. i don’t know what to do when i feel successful &/or popular. i don’t know what to do when i am well-received.
i know how to weather a storm.
i know how to survive a tragedy.
i do not know how to be in fair weather…or what to do when life is just…life.

call me

chunky mother of four ISO punkrock feminist lumberjack
i am feral with bouts of rabies
wicked smart
creative as fuck
prone to shaving my head but nothing else
great smile
nice tits & ass…

i wrote this as yet another attempt to invite romance into my life. i recently sent it to a boy who invited me to flirt with him…and it got grossly misinterpreted. he started sending me the nastiest emails. i tried to go along & tried to tap into my inner slut…but i am no longer fuckbuddy material (if i ever was.) i had to make it clear to him that i needed a lot more from any relationship than just some dirty talk. not that i was opposed to the dirty talk…i just want more from life than that.
so i told him.
and he ran away.
which is okay because i have a lot on my plate right now. a suicidal sister camping out on my couch & four insane minions & an offer in on a house that is a “craftsman special”…plus my usual mental health issues…a new book coming out…and life the universe & everything.
so if said boy can’t play…i can take my toys and go home and wait for jason mantzoukas.

under advisement

advice is not a one-size-fits-all
kind of thing
you are a unique creature
with problems all your own
they mean well
but do beware of those with blanket advice
for your special garden
of issues.

on the chinese new year i was digging through a drawer in my kitchen when i found a fortune cookie still in it’s wrapper. i took it as a sign & ate the cookie; read the fortune:
advice comes in all forms; some help and some hurt you.
at the time i read it, i didn’t get it…but knowing sometimes the universe speaks to me through cookies, i saved it.
and recently
i have received more than my share of unsolicited advice. at first it was pissing me off, but then i remembered my fortune cookie and was able to say, “okay…not for me.”
i am not conventional. so much advise just does not apply to me…or i won’t listen to even if it might.
so there.

pulled heart muscle

i overextended myself
did too much heavy lifting & threw out
my soul
too many visits outside my comfort zone
now all i can do
is hide
or cry
or vomit
…dealer’s choice

in exploring why i am crying anytime anyone talks to me and avoiding social interaction for several weeks now…i have come to a few conclusions. this is one. it is as true as any of my other observations about my current state of intentional isolation.
i’m hoping once i have it all figured out, i can once again venture out of my cave…carefully.

matchbook

you sit on your box of matches
fingers itching to burn some bridges
too much commotion
in your soul
voices whispering that they never liked you
anyway
& you are bound to disappoint…
one bridge already burned…or on fire
at least
a friend boarding a train bound for disaster
& you are unable to endure
another
trainwreck.

i recently broke up with a friend…no, wait, not even. i ghosted her. the ol’ irish goodbye. i didn’t even know i was going to do it, but on retrospect, my feelings of not wanting to deal with it any longer had been building for awhile. my resentments had been building for awhile.
it is so hard to deal with other people’s drama sometimes.
and once i set that bridge on fire, i really wanted to keep setting fires…but i am sitting on my box of matches…trying to wait out my angst to see clearly.

knock-off artist

i think if i ever found out someone was
successfully
selling knock-offs of my art
i would want them as a partner
because
obviously
they have a skill i do not have

i am having fun playing around with my dandelion people…in case you were wondering.

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