my household gods

this one just kinda
jumped out of me
fully formed
from my head
a household god
fed on peanut butter whiskey
& i.p.a’s
a protector
as well as a tormentor
as my fortune cookie
once told me
there is danger
in getting
too
comfortable.

she took up two pages of my art journal. here are scanned pages.

who am i today?

i have separated out
the personalities
in my head
by what shoes
(if any)
they wear…
although
recently
a new personality
has emerged
& i have not yet
determined
her
favorite
footwear.

i think we all must have multiple personalities–just not at a clinical level. i mean, when you want to wear something colorful versus when black is the only color that will do.
or, i guess it could just be me?
& there is always that dominant personality. the one we are most days. but then there are the days when someone else takes us over & we are an all new person.
in my case, a person who does panda comics….

i did this illustration experimenting with a pen nib rather than using my usual bamboo pen. the lines are a lot more thin & consistent–less dipping required to do an inking…but i so prefer the randomness of the bamboo pen.

sober thoughts

just for fun
i’m only drinking
when i really
really really
feel like it
(not just as a reflex
happy hour for one)
&
sometimes
not even then
opting to notice the *need*
& just
let it go…
so now
i notice
when my mind turns
to craving
the numbness
alcohol
brings
i am noticing
now
when
&
why
i wish to be
numb.

mostly it is times when being a mom feels overwhelming & impossible…or when my ex is picking picking picking at the energy field around me, whittling it away…

but today, my neighbor (mentioned yesterday) came to my house to complain about my twelve year old. yes. he is annoying. sneaky. manipulative. & plays really really rough sometimes (he has sensory processing disorder & doesn’t always respect boundaries) …but he is also a scapegoat for women/mothers like my neighbor. hyper judgey gossipy drama queens. i’ve noticed a pattern.
& it’s not like her kids are any better.
also, she is best buds with the kid who is my kid’s arch nemesis. another sneaky & manipulative boy about my son’s age.
so it’s kinda annoying that she thinks this kid is golden while mine is garbage?
& the other day i told this rotten neighbor kid to stop making drama & to play nicely with all the kids instead of causing problems.
he told angry neighbor lady (not his mom–i don’t even know who his mom is) that i yelled at him.
i did not yell at him.
so bitchy neighbor lady is telling me i cannot talk to kids? i have to talk to parents??? i told her bullshit–if a kid is causing problems with my kids–fuck yeah i’m going to say something.
otherwise
who the fuck is checking these kids’ behavior?
if my kid is being an ass, i expect someone to tell him (nicely & as an adult) that he is being an ass.
it takes a fucking village, right?

long story short–i really could have used a drink after throwing said neighbor lady out of my house–but i did not partake.
just noted the urge.
& let it go….

i’ve noticed that i have inked faces familiar to the one on my journal page above several times. maybe i should name her?

friendship pains

friendship
can be an ugly bird
squatting on a carcass
& laughing
at the people
we love.

this one doesn’t really make a lot of sense. i was angry with a friend who i felt was treating me callously.
i am terribly terribly anti-social. being my friend is not easy. i blame it on my scorpio rising. i just have a nasty sting when provoked.
so
this journal page happened because i felt slighted.

don’t even get me started on my across the street neighbor….

in other news…inappropriate comics with pandas!

i’m not sure about this one…i was thinking of the sound of music for some reason & pandas & well, this just kinda got away from me. i apologize. i think it is the most recent stay-at-home order making me extra inappropriate.

loud & clear

i analyzed
my dreams
this morning
& got an unanimous answer
my dreams say,
“fuck you”
fuck you & the horse
you rode in on
just
whatever dude
whatever
ever
ever
…ever
fuck off for real
like
totally.

this one goes out to my ex-husband. my second ex-husband, who won’t stay out of my subconscious for some reason. i guess my subconscious just wants to make doubly tripply sure i do not get back together with him–again.
thanks for watching out for me, subconscious!

and then there were pandas

i was asked by one of my children
to paint a panda
& was surprised
by how easy it is to paint a panda
then today
feeling frustrated
with my art & life
in general
i got the idea to start a series called
“inappropriate comics with pandas”
so there is that
to look forward to.

sometimes i really worry about me. i’m either inspired or possessed. it’s really hard to tell.

one two three four

one two three four
moving forward on my path
one two three four
the numbers on my clock
when i wake in the night
one two three four
leadership
building something magical
with your life
one two three four
the number of words written
one two three four
the universe assuring me
i actually do know
what the fuck
i am doing.

after several days of seeing “1234” everywhere i looked. i checked out this website to find out why i might be seeing these numbers everywhere. if you’re witchy like me or believe in powers beyond yourself, you tend to respect numerology & look/listen for signs.
since writing this art journal page, i have not seen the numbers again–which i assume means the message was received. assume it means i can keep to this path i have made for myself in faith that i really am going somewhere on it.
so that’s pretty groovy.

**i also noticed that after days of inkings looking vacant–looking inward…i inked someone with some focus.

dream lover

you showed up in my dream
again
always there
sweet as pie
miles away in the morning
but by my side
still
in my memories
in my wishes?

i was doodling my dream lover and then added these speech bubbles. apparently dream lover wants me to focus on comics. i’m cool with that. it’s not like i have a shortage of ideas.

wild thing

please don’t go
i’ll eat you up
i love you so

(from where the wild things are)

i was doodling the other day, worried that i will go a bit mad just writing & not drawing. so this is what i drew.
my feral self?
i was writing in my novel-in-progress for nanowrimo about feeling like a coyote. dingo. even hyena…
but definitely not foxy.
i’m thankful i have art & writing to exorcise my neurotic demons!

(i’m worried about my inkings…they all have such vacant stares…. maybe i need some focus)

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