so october 7th i drove the minions through the flatlands of illinois to collect this new member of our homestead:
we left in the morning and did not get home until almost five when poultry has to be fed and sheep watered all while trying to get the new baby to eat (he was pretty pissed off about being taken away from his family–no wonder–and it was a day before we could get him to accept the bottle.) plus i had to relocate the bunnies to a puppy pen so i could use their dog crate for quixote’s “stall” in our sunroom. as well as feeding the minions, collecting eggs, putting poultry away….
so it was after seven before i got a chance to catch my breath.
and i just did not feel like doing inktober. so i phoned it in and used an inking in progress as my seventh day:
which i then finished for the 8th of inktober.
which brings us to yesterday, the ninth. i wasn’t sure what to do. i decided to just do some journal inkings.
my first one came out like this:
and i was all like, “what the fuck, em?” i thought about posting it…but felt really conflicted about it, for some reason.
art for me is a meditation and an exorcism.
what is going on here then?
so i tried again:
and ended up not posting this one either. i was convinced people would hate them and be, like me, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
i want to keep doing inktober–because it is fun for me and keeps me creating….
but i’m not sure i want to share anymore.
it feels like i am putting myself out there…to no avail.
i’m just weird.
a misfit toy.
…a strange lady.
i’m in a piss-ass mood…
ironically…”don’t worry, be happy” is playing on my radio.
but we all know how that ended….
i texted dusty today to let him know i think is a terrible idea for us to live together again in any context.
so then he called…and i said i was busy…and he said “please, please, please” and i said, “no.” but he kept insisting i talk to him.
so i got on the goddamned phone and told him he needs to start taking responsibility for his shit. that i am tired of rescuing him. that he needs to stop taking the easy route and start actually working for a future instead of fantasizing about one.
i’m just so fucking desperate that sometimes dusty seems like a good idea.
so fucking desperate….
and still my inktobers are getting lukewarm receptions.
so i’m just doing whatever the fuck because no one seems to notice either way.
the story of my life
if you think about it
i will be doing some dark & depressing memoir bullshit comics….
i’m tired of what i have been doing with ink brush painting.
yesterday i used some leftover ink to make random panels on a sheet of paper.
today i pulled a comic out of my ass…
and then i ended up spilling a bunch of black ink
so in the spirit of sustainability and not wasting and taking lemons & making lemonade,
i did a quick sketch using the spilled ink…which is the inking showcased at the top of today’s blog.
full moon long shadows.
i like it.
i like my art.
i like being me.
so there, world of no recognition…or very little recognition. i like my stuff. i know i am good. i don’t need your fucking “likes” (but, you know, they are nice)
on a personal note
because it has been too long without me over-sharing…
i had half-invited dusty to live here–as a paying lodger…but now i am re-thinking that. i mean, it sounds like a recipe for disaster.
he just won’t grow up.
and it’s not like i am so good at being a grown up…but i manage.
meanwhile, he pays a minimal child support…occasionally.
he has a crap job because he won’t bother looking for another one.
he lives with his crap-ass mom because he won’t bother finding his own place–nor does he have the money to do so.
and he has a crappy car that does not run because he just stored it in a garage for seven years while he made me give him rides.
and now he is dependent on him mom for rides.
and i keep thinking…why?
why won’t he just get up off his ass and do something?
well, i guess he’s just waiting for me to pick him up again.
so what happens if i don’t?
so i was totally going to work on moses jones and got out my sketchbook for working on her and found an inkstain inside it…and i just couldn’t walk away from an inkstain once i start seeing faces.
you know how it is.
before that i did this ink brush practice picture:
and after i did the inkstain one, i had extra ink left over, so of course i had to do one more ink brush exercise:
and finian also did another one for today:
which of course is fantabulous…
even though i am secretly jealous because he gets much better facebook response than i do. his one inking will earn more likes than all three of mine together.
such is the story for the mother of genius children….
social media sucks ass.
for us super sensitive
sometimes i hate
so so so much
i feel like a stupid tool
everyone hates me
why do i do this
this is the third inking i have done today.
i am about to post it on facebook. in that stupid group i am in. and it will get zero “likes” as have the other two today.
my art doesn’t suck that bad.
why can’t i get a “like”….
and why do i care?
fuck a duck
i am ready to just quit facebook. a fucking social media site should not be able to cause me this kind of torment.
i know it’s stupid.
yet i am tormented.
i am going to keep doing inktober.
i am going to keep doing art.
i am going to keep practicing my ink brush painting (right now i am opening the book the photo ark to a random page and painting it.)
and! and–i am going to get back to my comics. my moses jones and all the others.
it’s been too long.
so fuck you, facebook. even if you hate my art. i love my art.
i love being an artist.
a nice fucking neurotic artist.
okay–so i was going to stick to one color with my initial practicing of ink & brush. but then i saw this picture of a squid and the colors were so amazing so i just had to fuck that up.
i once took a water color class, and there was this girl in it who could paint photo perfect watercolors. they were totally amazing and took her days & days to finish. i could do like 10 watercolors in the time she did one. more even. that’s me. that’s my style & my nature. i work fast & sloppy.
ironically, the piece of hers i liked the best, was one that was in disarray because it was not done yet–that’s the one i would have bought.
i mentioned that i am in a facebook inktober group–so my feed is full of inkings by other people. some are alright. some are crap. some are amazing. and i am all like, “i want mine to be amazing!!”
then i have to remind myself that my art is my art and has something of me to it–whether others think it is amazing or not.
plus, i think if i find other’s art inspiring, i should try to incorporate–aka “borrow”–aka “steal like an artist”–aspects that i find amazing.
but, one step at a time. right now i am challenging myself to work only in ink brush.
for a bit anyway.
fidgit is doing INKtober with me. i am posting his to the same group i am in. so far, he gets way more facebook likes than i do.
you know what? i am totally okay with that. i want him to be a better artist than me. i want him to have the encouragement & opportunities that i did not.
he is amazing.
as i have said, i really want to practice my ink brush.
INKtober is giving me permission to do that.
which is cool
because i so often fail to give myself permission to play with my art.
finding other things to do is so easy…
fuck, i mean, i was going to take a shower first thing this morning…
it took me three hours to get there….
life gets in the way of art & grooming.
INKtober means i have to play with my art every day or i am a big stinky loser (i think that’s what the rules say–i am not a very careful reader of rules & directions–which actually explains a lot about my life)
i spent last night watching the new season of gotham and playing with my ink & brush.
needless to say, i had a lot of fun doing it.
i am just starting with one color & simple concepts.
i might do some image searches so i can get good stills with shadows and maybe do away with the outer line entirely.
so much fun!
i love being covered with ink