emerging

there is no room
to stretch
my body hurts
what was supposed to protect
(& did in its time)
now suffocates
& limits growth
encouraging
stagnation
&
decay….
so!
i close my eyes
& visualize
the blood pumping
into wet wings
growing
stronger
growing beautiful
& amazing
i will lift & soar
on the warm sunny wind
i will float
like magic
towards the light
of my moon.

this should be the last one on breaking out of a cocoon because i think i have done it. the new year helped me to shed the last of my old skin and now i can breathe!
my kids were with their dad the whole first week of this year, enabling me to fully dive into my emergence…if that makes sense.
with their return, i have felt a stumble in my force…a hiccup…but i can see it & understand it & am certain i can be a mom, an artist, and a whole person, all three at the same time even!

ps. this is one of the crap inkings i mentioned in my previous post. but! i do try to post all my pages whether i like how they turn out or not. tomorrow will be another one i don’t especially like…but i am working on one for the two pages after that that i really like.

stay tuned!

cleaning tips

when i clean
a dirty room
i make
a terrible
mess
in the doing…
it’s part
of the process
maybe healing is a lot
like
that
pile everything together
in the middle
of the
room
& then sit
meditatively
picking through
every
single
thing
to see what
is worth keeping
& what
just needs to
go.

since finishing the ardhanarishvara piece my drawing has been a bit crap in my opinion….

i felt terribly inspired while i was working on this, but now i feel a bit depleted.
so we end up with the little mermaid.
upcoming journal page illustrations also feel lackluster to me.
but my writing still feels strong. my self-discovery still feels dead on…. just my inking feels a bit bleah.

so i’m working on my novel. which is fucking brilliant if you ask me.
& i’m gearing up to do a commission for some local anarchist/artist friends.

here i am.
drinking whiskey, feeding the birds, watching the snow, and rebooting.

it’s all good.

cuddle up

winding up
moving forward
exorcising
inspiring
manifesting
a big fuck you
to 2020
with open arms
to the coming
year
c’mere
babydoll
cuddle up
& make my dreams
come
true.

some thoughts on the new year. it’s a fun little rocket ride into 2021. lots of vision boarding & reading of horoscope charts. figuring out my quirks & what i need to work on versus what i need to allow others to worship me for…(haha)
plus working on commissions & getting ready to work on more commissions!

behind the curtain

the man behind the curtain
my inner wizard
my obi wan
says to me
“you have had it
all
along.”
focus
i realize this is true
when i hear a friend
admire my tenacity
with my art
journaling
&
self-portrait series
my
dedication
to my freestore
project
my focus
i had it
all
along.

funny how that works. i have longed for focus for so long that i have not even realized that i do have it. i start something–i see it through.
sometimes it takes a long time,
but i do
i finish what i start.
and that is really something i never realized about me.

focus II

“focus,”
the universe whispers
to me
with promises of
clarity
(a thing
i have sought
for how long now?)
with focus
i achieve
clarity
with clarity
i will see
everything
nothing
will be hidden
i will be able to look
i will be able to see
which is maybe
why
i have chosen for so long
to embrace
distraction.

i have done so much to keep myself distracted. not meditating because “i don’t know how” or “i just can’t focus.” but what happens when i actually do try to focus?
i think i will surprise myself.

focus

focus
just
focus
sounds easy right?
except
i have designed
a life
full of
distractions…
focus
just
focus
it’s my mount everest
my moby dick
if i could only
focus
nothing could stop
me.

going off of yesterday’s post, i came to realize that i need to find this mythical focus. it’s something i have always thought was impossible…but since starting down the path, i am really surprising myself.

three dreams

in three dreams now
i have been
on the last day
of my
island vacation
getaway
if i dream something
once
i may not think too hard
about it
but three times?
three dreams is my
subconscious
saying
“hey!”
so…
three times dreaming
of a holiday ending
can only mean
get back
to
work,
right?
time to focus
time
to make
this motherfucker
manifest.

i’m not sure what motherfucker. my family? my art? my inner work? all of it?
i’m still figuring that much out, but no more dreams of vacations ending recently, so i must be on the right track.
i have been journaling a lot about focus & clarity since i wrote this page…. i think the universe is pushing me towards that mountain of mine.

on a note about the illustration, i guess my catholicism is showing in that my image of the universe is very much a madonna image.

rabid bunny

i am compassion
fatigued
i am pissed off
i am tired
of putting
other people’s feelings
first
like a spark
to a cloud
of gas
my anger
flares
& i go from
gentle
bunny
to gnashing teeth
&
terrible
claws.

i lost it on a librarian the other day. i sincerely believe (through common sense, instinct, & research) that wearing a mask is bad for my health…bad for my children’s health…bad for everyone who does not have a compromised immune system. the environment of microbes around us are meant to be breathed in & out–not our own carbon dioxide….
i could go on, but i won’t because if you don’t already agree with me, i’m probably not going to convince you.

i live in a small town in a rural area of wisconsin–but the town is teeming with the liberal attitude of mask up & don’t ask questions.
i ask questions.

& when a librarian, 20 feet away, in an empty room, tells me to mask up as i pop in to grab my library holds, i get pissy.
i’m tired of trying to make these people feel safe (because it is just an illusion–they aren’t any more safe for their covered faces–not really) while doing something to my own body that i know is not good for it. not being able to breathe is just not good for my body. not getting my dose of microbes is not good for me….

so why do they believe their health more important than mine?

ps…happy new year!! suck it, 2020!

questioning authority

why
am i opposed
to doing
what i am
told
to do….
i’m not willing
to compromise
my beliefs
i’m not willing
to ignore
what my body
my heart
my mind
are telling me are right
i’m not willing
to give up
awareness
& instinct
to embrace
the bliss of ignorance
following
blindly….
i have questions
& even if
i never find the answers
i will not
stop
asking.

i belong to a rebel alliance & this is the question that was asked at our last meeting. “why am i opposed to doing what i am told….”
i don’t know if this answers it…but this is what i thought on the topic.

pariah

one nice thing
about a lifetime
as a social
pariah
not much
time
nor
energy
is spent trying
to
fit in
with the
conventional…
indeed
you are able
to see
the
whole
picture
because your place
in the nosebleed section
allows
for a
panoramic
view.

i really don’t mind being a pariah. every once in awhile it gets lonely…but i like not having to worry about what people think of me.

another ardhaanarishvara…then it turned into an airship.
sometimes that happens
androgeny & airships…another one of my bands.

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