losing

fighting with you
used to be
something fun
to do
but
i’ve lost my taste
for it
now
it is only
heartbreak
& hopelessness
& walking in circles
in quicksand.

don’t spin me right round

the grooves are set
deep
so the song will play
flawlessly
he loves me
he loves me
not
he doesn’t want me
i fall apart
i put myself
back
together again…
the record spins
round
i recover
i always
recover
until the song plays
again.

pointless

no one ever loves me
best
so it’s these
rare times
i don’t feel
invisible
that i fall in love
with you
all
over
again…
but before long
i am the
third wheel
a forgotten
point
on your triangle…
invisible
again.

hopefully this is the last “another break-up with dusty” post. hopefully i have worked through all the crap…again.
i did put myself back on okcupid.
good idea or bad idea?

rotten

all i ever wanted
even
before i met you
was to be
a family…
with you
i thought we would be
always & forever
us…
did you ever
want me?
i wonder now
remembering all those
side projects
of yours
people who needed
saving
people
who weren’t
me
i wanted you to save
me
you
had other people
to do…
maybe the dead thing
i smell rotting
is me….

something that has happened repeatedly with dusty is my need to be seen & celebrated & his choosing to focus on other people.
random people
anybody, really, who wasn’t me….

warrior mother witch

i
am not
your victim
i
am not
anyone’s
victim
i know who i am
i know what i am
i am warrior
mother
& witch
never
ever
victim
i choose where
i am
i choose
my own path
& i refuse
to walk
in those shoes.

a new friend who is a bit of a new age zealot told me i needed to stop being a victim when i described to her how my empathetic self felt it had absorbed too much of nate’s angst.
i do not like being called a victim.
i watched my mom spend her life as a victim of my dad, & i have never let myself be anyone’s victim.
yes, people have done bad things to me. but i have rescued myself. i always rescue myself.

where he begins

the tarot spread
reveals
exactly how far
into my head
you have gotten
exactly how far
under my skin
you have rooted
the tarot spread
reveals
that i don’t always know
where i stop
& you begin
who’s voice
am i hearing
when all those
terrible things
are said.

i have worked through this by now…. but my ex has a talent for rooting in deep & not letting go. i think i have compared him to some type of intestinal worm in the past.
yup, that hasn’t changed.

dumping ground

i let you do this
to me
again
i let you in
to my heart
to my home
you
wiped your feet
on my soul
&
shat
on my couch
&
left
in disgust
at the filth
you dumped
all
over
me.

more elaborate metaphors for how i felt as dusty reacted to our break-up. probably our last break-up….

dirty sponge

like a sponge
i have absorbed
every awful
thing
you have said
&
even some
you left
unsaid
like a sponge
dipped
in a dirty toilet
left
in a puddle
of
excrement
i am
clogged
saturated
suffocating
longing
longing
longing
to be wrung out
rinsed
& put in the sun
to dry.

trying to flesh out those severe feelings i was having as dusty dumped all his grief & abandonment issues on my lap.

burned at the stake…again

the messages come
incessantly
outlining
exactly
what a disappointment
i am
what a failure
i am
tying the ropes
building up the log pile
lighting the match
i am left
to twist & burn
& turn
to ashes
as he takes
every good feeling
i had
& throws it on
the fire
i can scream, “why?”
until
my throat is raw
but
he cannot hear me
& my pleas
go unanswered
“it just is,”
i finally tell myself.
“it just is.”

(true story. yup.)

i don’t want to die

i don’t want to die
though
heavy with sadness
& struggling
to pull myself
out again
i don’t want to die
i don’t want to
escape
me
i want to heal
to grow stronger
to open
myself
to change
depression snuggles
into me like
a favorite sweater
but this time
i am looking
forward
to not getting lost
in it
but to taking
it off again
to feel the cool wind
on bare skin
ready
to grow
again.

this was written as i was getting a barrage of abusive text messages from dusty. i was struggling to keep my head up as i absorbed all the awful things he said about me.
i think i did manage to stay above it
even if sometimes i still felt like sinking….

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