so many of my drawings
i want to name “escape”
only to realize that i’ve already
named a drawing that
why am i so often
thinking of escape?
i have this ex-husband
who emails every once in awhile
all flirty and remorseful
wishing he hadn’t
wished me away
even proposing marriage
but the minute i say
“where was this love
when you had me?”
he disappears again
“i will bother you no more.”
until the next time
he is filled with flirty remorse
i have this ex-husband
who likes to lie in wait
like a lion watching for a limping
he waits for me to weaken
all big blue eyes
and intense energy.
devouring my heart
and leaving me
i have to die inside
to push him away
because he is an
i am angry
so angry at these two men
so fucking pissed off.
i am sport to them
but they want to call it
i didn’t draw a picture yesterday
i posted a picture
but i did not draw a picture
the crying lady
six years ago?
a historian of me
and my art
would have you notice the lack of ink brush painting
the use of pastels
the relatively light–
but still inaccurate–
so i didn’t draw yesterday. i was rabid most of the day. evil nasty pissy me was in charge of my brain yesterday. i did do some ink splattering, however. i probably should have posted that, at least, but–you know–rabies.
so i started a drawing today after the weirdness of thanksgiving was done
(why did my elderly aunt ask me if i had gotten my concealed carry license???)
i started a drawing but did not get too far before the minions were begging me to watch more doctor who. (more, doctor who, mummy–more!…i love my minions)
there is a deer, clear as the day if the day were inside my head amidst the sparks & sinkholes.
a reminder to be gentle.
be gentle, deer me.
my bones ache and teem with anger. repressed anger. oozing anger. anger that is easily directed at undeserving targets and leaves me knowing i am going to have a lot to make up in my next life….
i see deer a lot since a friend read me a medicine card with a deer in it. of course i live in the middle of the prairie lands…but still. one day four walked across the road in front of my car in the middle of a town. one night driving home, a buck darted right in front of my car. a doe stood, making me come to a stop, several yards past him. one day while gardening, a deer made her way across the field next to my yard, stopping to stare at me whenever my movements rustled the leaves around me.
meanwhile, i have banished an ex-husband and another ex-husband starts sending flirty emails. but the thing about my exes, they all have such thin skin. i have found that honesty sends them skittering away. i’m not trying to be mean…honest…i just tell them how i feel when they use me as a distraction…and they skitter away.
honesty is brutal. but it is also gentle. lies may hurt less, but they will kill you in the end.
why am i so pissed off again?
okay, so i’m not going to be magically
so i’m not going to be magically
i’m going to be bitter & angry
wishing things had been different
careful i am not wishing my children away
as i wish i had never met their father.
it’s fucking thanksgiving
i don’t know about you
but this was the most dysfunctional
of fucked up dysfunctional holidays
i spent years avoiding
for years, i couldn’t even eat turkey
without feeling angry
the holiday of family fights
based on a false
as white invaders who
murdered & stole from indigenous peoples
after being welcomed into their land
it’s a fucking
fuck my ex-husband.
fuck my parents.
fuck black friday
and the mentality of buying buying buying
made by abused workers
in other countries
as a cloud of pollution forms
over their heads
fuck this fucking country and its killing ways
its stealing ways
this whole land
i don’t know what’s going on in this picture
i don’t know what’s going on in my own life
sometimes i feel at one with the universe
sometimes i want to scream until my voice is gone
maybe i want to scream
because i am one
with the universe
why isn’t the universe screaming?
or maybe it is
& we just aren’t listening.
maybe i can feel it screaming
and that is why i am so angry.
i just want to paint. to draw. to not feel so angry.
and i have a son
who is the essence of his father
i catch myself having the same
arguments with him
that i would have with his father
the same circle
ending in screams
because we don’t know how to do this
i don’t want to hate my son
i do not hate my son
i just hate the circumstances
that create the chaos
that i find myself in.
that makes about as much sense
as my picture.
so we have come full circle.
here is the ink stain i started with:
some of y’all might not know that in addition to my doodles, i also am a mother of four children (11, 8, 5, & 3) and am working to turn five acres in rural illinois into a homestead.
i woke up and took care of the dogs & chickens
and cleaned the kitchen
started making yogurt
and tomato sauce with the tomatoes that i gathered before the frost last week
and i made
bacon & eggs & biscuits for the minions
took care of the sheep
worked on the garden–turning soil
(oh crap i forgot to plant the cover crop…i was totally going to wait until sunset so the chickens wouldn’t think it was for them & i completely forgot)
worked on the compost heap
delegated tasks to the minions
weeded the cold frame
fixed the hoop house
looked into building a movable pasture for the sheep
found a source of hay in case the sheep run out of pasture
cleaned up the yard
covered plants that i planted this fall
dug up the last of the carrots
fed the dogs a raw diet
canned the tomato sauce
used extra sauce to revive a 3rd day of leftover chili & noodles
did more dishes
made brownies with homemade caramel and chocolate chips
then! then i got a chance to draw. and this is as far as i got before i was too pooped to go on. a good start, i think. i’m not sure what is going on here…but i am looking forward to finishing it tomorrow.
this is my second post of the day
but i didn’t post the past two days
so i suppose it all evens out.
this is the doodle i started.
here it is finished.
i added ink & then some ink.
a little more ink.
it’s a pretty busy picture.
some of it i like…some of it not so much.
but that is what’s cool about this art therapy…i find things
that i could use later
in a different piece.
i find things
that might become a piece of their own.
i find things
that i like to do with ink that i never did before
things i’ve never drawn before.
i sometimes find complete pictures.
the whole story.
i’m very tired.
it’s been a long journey…my life.
i’m going over a hill right now…so maybe i will get to coast a bit on the other side?
or maybe there is another hill right after this one?
i guess we will see.
yesterday fidgit asked me i had had a midlife crisis.
i said, “not yet. but maybe i haven’t reached the middle of my life yet.”
he said, “good point.”
then i told him i would wait until i was 60 to have my midlife crisis so i could live to be 120.
here is the ink stain
so i guess today is the first day of the rest of my life
i know things won’t magically get better
just because i ousted the man
who helped me make myself
but i felt a ray of light
“i’m just going to relax.”
when i faced this first day
officially on my own.
then i felt the need to defend my decision
as if i was doing something wrong.
but, fuck it.
i’m going to sing & dance & play
and be ridiculous if i want to be
who made me feel as if
i had to be the grown-up
while he did whatever he wanted to do
i spent the past two days taking dusty his stuff and severing those ties. we now live in separate states. separate physical states. i think we always lived in separate mental states.
so maybe the spells & stones worked after all? maybe i had to go to that dark dark dark fucking place inside me to find the strength to separate myself from him and all he has taught me i am in the years we have been together.
to let go, i had to die a little.
but it worked. i am free. maybe for the first time in a decade or more. maybe for the first time in forever.
i am free and i am going to work all this anger out of my bones. all the anger i have absorbed over the years. i am going to work it out and learn to believe that i am worthy of love.
that will be weird.
if i believe i am worthy of good things?
that would be amazing.
so while on the road, i only got this doodle done. so i missed two days of posting. but i’m back now and will finish this doodle. here is what it looks like with just the first ink on the ink stain. more ink to come!