can you not see me?
can you not
or do you
here’s another from last week’s severe depression. as you can see, (maybe?) it has been illustrated now that i have a little levity to my mood.
i assure you…when i wrote it i was in the depths of one of those funks where i don’t want to die…but i don’t want to be alive either.
a fucked up place to be.
see…my life overwhelms me. i mean, that is understating it…but my life overwhelms me. i feel like i am wrapped in squid five miles underwater. my life overwhelms me. i know other moms have done it. i know other women have done it. i know other people have survived worse…but my life overwhelms me.
…& i don’t want to do it alone.
in the creases
of a world that i just don’t
lost & confused
by spaces where i should
so last week, i was a miserable mess.
i think i am starting to recover. i usually feel better on a new moon. you know, new beginnings & all that. forever the hopeful nihilist.
but there are a few more journal pages from this time of feeling…so fucking lost. lost & forgotten. never to be found. a horrible horrible feeling. i hate feeling lost.
so you know.
that’s coming up.
but i feel much better today.
is me trying to be a better
which is hard
when half the time
i’m not sure i’m
so realizing how nice it feels to get birthday greeting and how happy my kids get when someone sends them a card, i am trying to send birthday cards–homemade birthday cards to people who are in my life.
this one is for my nephew, who is a doctor who fan.
part of me is missing
maybe you know
where it is?
i wake up
it’s another day
that it is
i go to bed
knowing that my morning
my next day
will bring more of the same
& i want to scream
i do scream
part of me is missing
you know where
it is you?
i read something
that said grief
trapped in the corners
of your eyes….
i don’t know what to do
with all this grief
part of me
& i’m oh so tired
but if i stop…
if i stop
will i drown in
i like this illustration. i’m not sure i captured in my words what i feel…but i think i captured it in my drawing.
i think i am still recovering from the visits of my mom & my ex-husband. two people who put the knife in and twist it. both are relationships that i desperately want to be different. i know i could be a more complete person…
if my mother had mothered me
if my ex-husband had been able to love me
if neither of them had emotionally abandoned me
& betrayed me….
i desperately long to heal that wound. that emptiness.
but maybe i have turned to stone.
to something that barely resembles the person
i could have been.
i feel like i’ve lost the right words
i’ve used my quota. used all
my best words for all my
worst days. & now i have all
the wrong words but my head
i published this journal entry with this illustration:
only to realize I PUT MY HANDS ON BACKWARDS…which, normally, y’all–i like to live with my mistakes. but goddammit, my hands are on backwards and that was just way too much for me to sit back & hope no one noticed. because if someone noticed, then they would think i did not realize i had my hands on backwards.
so i hastily removed it from all social medias (tumblr, eatsleepdraw, facebook, & here.) all sweaty & aghast.
plus, when i put it up on facebook, i was all sad because no one was looking at it. then i realized i had made all of my posts “private.” so while i was hating the world for not seeing me–i actually wasn’t visible to them.
hahahahaha…no, i’m not a mess (yes, i’m a mess.)
but, you know, it’s not like facebook was lighting up even after i went back to “public” posts.
however, this post had gotten a lot of notice here & on tumblr & on eatsleepdraw. so maybe i should have just edited it instead of deleting it.
well, hope y’all also enjoy my ocd version!
you will never know how much
i mourn that we are not
a happily ever after. i mean
how sweet would that be?
forever love with the man
who’s four children i have birthed?
a team? the same team?
all of us–together? instead of this
terminal, yawning loneliness.
instead of struggling alone
alone alone alone
to raise four kids?
you will never know how my heart
breaks & how i believe i will
spend the rest of my life
alone & lonely.
that that part of me that craves
a connection will just dry up
& blow away in the wind.
i wish things were different.
with all my heart i wish everything
were different. i do.
but no matter how hard i wish…
i have had this illustration idea in my head for the past few journal pages i have done. but when i went to draw it, other images appeared instead. so it finally found its home with this journal entry. while typing out the journal entry, i was happily surprised to see i drew dandelions in a post about wishes & blowing away in the wind. see…part of me is paying attention.
(note to self: ask fidgit to teach me to draw a snail.)
dusty asked me if i ever cried watching other people play with their kids. he wanted to let me know how much he missed the kids when they are with me.
i could only respond by telling him how i cry every time i see a happy couple. every time someone clearly loves their wife. every time i see a normal functioning pair of humans.
that’s what poppy calls people. he asked me if i was reaching for a tree in this picture. i asked him where the tree is. he responded by asking if i was reaching for a human (he pronounces it “who-man.”) i told him, yes, i am reaching for a human.
i don’t want to hurt you
i just want to survive you
are words that i would say to him if i could. sometimes i feel it is impossible to talk to him. impossible for him to hear me?
so he & my mom were here at the same time. with my mom here, he was the lesser of two evils.
when she left, i realized just how much like her he really is.
neither one of them can hear me. even before my mom was deaf, she had very selective hearing–only hearing what she wanted to hear…only hearing what was valuable to her–what she could use to her advantage.
she never heard me.
i was never valuable to her.
was i ever valuable to him?
did he ever listen to me? or is he only paying attention when i’m giving him ammunition to use against me at a later time?
ex-husbands & mothers.