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the wrong one

The literati mafia

after all this time
after everything
or
because of everything
i just can’t believe i am the kind of person
who deserves to be loved
whenever
i see someone i would like to call
my own
i worry they will find their true love
before
i can convince them
to love me
i worry they will see
right through
me
right through
to my rotten
core
i know in my heart
what they will one day discover
i know in my heart
i am
the wrong one.

© quixotic mama 2019
find more of my art & writings at quixotic mama.

the image is one from my the invisible exhibitionist series of self-portraits.

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The Turning: A Masterpiece by the Great Sarah Silvey

if you have not followed sarah yet nor bought her wonderful book, it would behoove you to do so!
she is so funny & awesome & someone you would want for your best friend…
i am in the process of reading THE TURNING & totally neglecting my kids to do so–that’s how good it is!!
(i love sarah)

Fresh Hell

Hey kids! Shameless promo here: my book doesn’t suck.

Dark fantasy. It’s got monsters, blood n guts, good friends, terrible enemies, swordfights, adventure, psychic powers. You know you’re curious. You like my writing, right? So why wouldn’t you like the book? It’s lots of fun, with just the right amount of fucked-up. I’ve had a smattering of reviews so far, all positive.

On Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/Turning-Sarah-Silvey-ebook/dp/B01CKK36YY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1533050208&sr=8-1&keywords=the+turning+sarah+d+silvey

On Smashwords:
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/599602

On Itunes… here? Not sure because I have a PC, but you can at least use this as a starting point:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-turning/id1068588451?mt=11

On Barnes and Noble:
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-turning-sarah-silvey/1123130931?ean=2940152518016

I am insanely grateful to anyone who buys it. If you leave a review (preferably a kind one) I will have big puppy eyes for you. And if you leave an unkind review, I will go walleyed and wander off a cliff. Just kidding. I’m already walleyed just from bringing attention to myself. < _…

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don’t laugh

so
a spirit guide
came to visit
in the form
of a sloth
[don’t laugh]
a sloth
who climbed
up
to give me
a hug
climbed me like a tree
for a hug
& i hugged him
[don’t laugh]
feeling his warmth
& feeling okay
just before
he sunk his
long sharp teeth
into my neck
telling me
“shit happens”
a sweet hug
& a mortal
wound…
that about sums
it
all
up.

i have been playing around with doing past life regression ever since i had the vision of myself being a murdered celtic queen. i downloaded a past life regression meditation & the first time i listened to it, i saw myself as a young boy in georgia of the russian empire around the beginning of the 1900s. desolate & lost & alone. jumping forward, i saw myself as a young intellectual in a city. a revolutionary. executed during the russian revolution.
after the regression, i was guided to meet with a spirit guide. the above free verse describes that encounter….
huh.
i have done the regression once since then. i ended up as the celtic girl/woman again. & i had a completely different spirt guide that time. not nearly so gruesome & creepy.
maybe i will do a page about that as well.

& yesterday i conjured a bald eagle! i have started taking walks several times a week to combat my “middle age” bulge. so me & the minions were walking yesterday when misha asked me what a bald eagle looks like. i described one, but she suggested we could look them up on my laptop when we got home.
i replied, “maybe we will see one on our walk!” we live near a small river & not terribly far from a bigger river & occasionally do see bald eagles. however, it has only been a handful of times in the past couple years.
nevertheless, just five minutes later, a bald eagle flew over us.

pretty fucking cool.

& today is iggy’s birthday.  he is eleven. i never cease to be amazed by my kids in our “buy-nothing-new” & low-impact lifestyle. misha & poppy wrapped up a bunch of their own toys, cash, & candy  to give to iggy. (using the tissue paper that our bamboo toilet paper comes wrapped in.) iggy was thrilled with everything he got.
sometimes i feel like i am doing something right….

IMG_2519

in my head

sometimes
i wonder
if i have become unhinged
adrift
unglued from reality
if i am actually
buried neck deep
in snow
or sand
maybe at the bottom of the ocean
or the end of the universe
dreaming
my
life
naked in line at the bank
a double agent
a grave robber
drifting
through another time & place
while
somehow
still anchored here
collecting eggs
&
watching sunsets.

originally posted on august 26, 2018

IMG_2464

another one i am not sure about…but i re-did this one today. parts i like…parts are bugging me.
& i’m feeling physically better, but i am still an emotional stress-filled pool of muck.

lately i am liking my brush & bamboo work better than my pen.

oh! i put myself on the okcupid of the town i want to move to. i am hoping to find guys who can help me unload my moving truck when i move there. am i the only person who uses okcupid as a way to find free labor? isn’t that what dating is all about? trade of services?
(maybe this is why i am unlucky in love…my jaded approach to relationships)

the turkey stands alone

yesterday
all of my livestock went to live
with a very nice red-haired farmer
who knows what the fuck he is doing
& isn’t just winging it
like some kind of off-kilter homesteading maniac…
i think i learned
many many things
from my livestock experiment 
(not to be confused with my motherhood experiment)
although some of what i learned
is very similar to my motherhood
experiment…
yesterday
my yard emptied out
no more ducks…chickens…goats…or sheep
just the turkey stands alone
and i feel 
a lot
sad
but also
a little
relieved.

i’m telling the minions…it’s a new chapter…a new episode of our lives. change is not necessarily a bad thing. change can be good. really really good. 
but it’s still sad.

meanwhile, i have gotten a little done over on my patreon page.

and a birthday card & a patron card

fallen VII

when i noted that
my children
were
the spawn of satan
i assumed
that if was their
father
who was the
devil
on retrospect
i should have realized
he was too
lazy
unmotivated
& lacking in follow through
to be a king
of the underworld
i, however,
am a dedicated
loving
nurturing
queen of the damned

i’m sure y’all aren’t surprised i was happy to find yet another way to use the madonna & child symbolism.

as i was illustrating this, i was being tormented by my minions. while climbing all over me, three out of four of them asked me who was in the picture (the oldest one claimed he knew better than to ask me.)
i answered each of them, “it’s you & me.”
the two boys acted upset by my drawing horns on the heads.
my daughter did not seem fazed at all. of course, she has a 666 in her social security number & is left handed…. (seriously)
i mean, this devil stuff. it’s a woman’s job. attention to detail. multi-tasking. making sure the right people suffer. women’s work.

i asked my oldest son what he would think if he found out i was the devil. he said he wouldn’t be surprised.
and when i greeted iggy with, “greetings spawn of the devil.” he replied, “it takes one to know one.”

my kids are awesome. i love my lovely spawn.

blow me

The literati mafia

the wind
when it blows like this
howling
angry
a banshee released
pulls a sadness
from deep inside me
the wind
when it spins like this
gusts of
dead leaves
dancing with my anxiety
sets my teeth on edge
the wind
when it cries like this
wailing
warning
an echo
from a time
i want to forget
a lesson
i don’t want to learn

© quixotic mama 2018
for more from me, blow over to quixotic mama
the image is an original from my self-portrait series

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