i drift on the air
lost in my thoughts
feeling
the air move
through me
around me
away
from me
my thoughts
escaping
me.
air
water
i start with water
because i am
water
a cancer
with scorpio rising
i am an emotional
soup
blood, sweat, and especially
tears
i wash myself away
& emerge
baptized.
elemental
i’m feeling angsty.
like my art sucks
which is dumb…but it is what it is
so!
instead of moping
i am fiddling with my style.
i will post one each day
for the next few days
of my elemental
doodles.
dove soup
the dove sits on the telephone wire
watching me do yoga, poorly
like i was feeling out of sorts
& yoga only confirmed
how badly my mind & body
are aligned. how ungrounded
how uncentered i am
& the bird watches all of it
through my picture window…
usually a lone mourning dove
is a comfort
an echo of my own lonely heart
but today it feels like a taunting
a mockery
& all i want to do
is shoot the damn thing off of its
spy’s perch
& have dove soup for lunch.
farts
life moves forward
art helps keep me sane
as well as writing random things down
for me
to remember
like
in my household
“it is only funny when i fart”
says everyone.
time for me to shine
truth is
i’m more comfortable
in the dark
more at home
in the shadows
truth is
i’m afraid to look
at myself
in the light
afraid you will see
all the broken parts
of me
truth is
i think i belong
in the dark
hidden
but the truth is
it is time
for me
to shine.
this is the follow up piece to the last one i posted.
this is something i am doing a lot of inner work on right now. bringing myself into the light. discovering my own magic. letting go of the fear i have held on to for so long. the fear of myself.
the door out of the darkness
emerge from the dark
go through that open door
fly higher
urges the hawk
yesterday i was talking to a friend about the invisible exhibitionist
telling the story once more about how i first became invisible
i was the fourth of six children; i was the third of four daughters.
i was a quiet child.
once i asked my mother why my younger sister got whatever she wanted. “the squeaky wheel gets the grease,” my mom answered.
rightfully so–this pissed me off. it made me more determined not to be a squeaky wheel but to earn reward by my own merit & my own hard work. to be noticed for being remarkable…not for being loud & obnoxious.
so i waited quietly for said reward.
sigh.
i have stayed invisible all my life out of spite…and no one has noticed.
now i find myself unwilling to promote myself for the same (misguided?) reason.
i don’t want to get noticed just for being the fucking squeaky wheel. i want to be noticed for being amazing….
additionally!
my latest meditation revealed that not only am i afraid to be noticed. but also i have purposely hidden myself for fear that if i am somehow noticed, i will be deemed unworthy of attention. i am more comfortable in the dark than i am in the light.
i knew this on some level already, but now i feel it is time to drag that belief out and really work it over.
my energy worker told me i am all twisted up right now.
maybe it is time for me to twirl myself out into the light.
coming soon!
tara over at raw earth ink sent me a sample of things to come for my next publication
the invisible exhibitionist!
so exciting!
for you who weren’t with me from 2017 through 2019, i was obsessively inking self-portraits & vomiting free verse in an attempt to root out the damage that kept me broken.
i wrote about everything & anything that went through my head or that i felt inside me.
i exorcised as many demons as i could find
& ended up making friends with a few of them.
i did almost 500 pages of self-portraits.
during 2020, i hung up a show at a local art spot & more than one person told me it should be a book.
so!
it’s going to be a book.
every time i read what i wrote back then, it makes me cry all over again. i was a raw as i could be.
and i share that rawness in hopes that someone who needs to see it will. in hopes that i can help at least one person not feel alone.
i am looking forward to seeing it all together in one book.
regrets
if i had known then
what i know now
will send me on an endless
loop
of regret
it’s an impossible wish
because no matter how i lived my life
i could always find something
i completely fucked up.
i am finding myself struggling with issues of control right now. being the child of an alcoholic control freak, i became obsessed with finding control over my own life. relationships have always been hard for me because i want control–so i can feel safe, but i am also programmed to be “a good wife.” those two things do not live well together. i usually end up resenting and alienating anyone who dares to date/live with/marry me.
then i became a mom.
talk about no fucking control.
so here i am now, trying to renovate a house, raise four kids, and navigate a friendly relationship with my ex for the sake of co-parenting.
i feel like i am drowning under all of the needs of the house, the kids, and even the ex. i want to fix everything…but so many things spin out of my control.
i am so burned out, y’all.
but i have my art. my art keeps me sane.
if i knew then…. 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45
change is good.
so most of my art journal is about struggle
growth
change
moving forward
transformation
it is something i obviously feel strongly about
believing
if you are unhappy
you need to either accept
or change
and i am just not that good at accepting
the unacceptable
so i struggle
forward (on good days)
backwards (on bad days)
& sometimes i’m just moving in circles…
but change is good
so here is what i am going to try now. instead of finishing and posting my art journal pages, i will be posting finished versions of said pages which will be for sale. i am still art journaling like mad…i just have stopped inking/finishing the pages in my journal. instead, i use them as ways to get those demons moving about and then i use them again to make finished pieces of art. so now my art journal is looking more like this:
maybe i’m trying to conserve ink? maybe i’m just unmotivated? maybe i’ve inked so much that i no longer need to ink the roughs? like i kinda know what i’m doing?
but fret not! i will continue posting finished pieces with random thoughts.
“for this moment” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45
xo
Quixotic Mama 