divine comedy

it’s all fun & games
until someone starts
a zombie apocalypse

i have been looking at other people’s art for inspiration. here’s one inspired by gustave dore. maybe i’m missing moses jones more than i realize….

comfortably conflicted

i am comforted
by the idea
of falling apart
hence
my conflict

more on that tower card conflicting me & my trying to figure out what the fuck…. i am more comfortable falling apart than i am feeling whole. this is a conflict to my healing.

if i complete me

you don’t know what
to do
if you are not
falling apart
pain & disappointment
are your norm
your baseline
picking up the pieces is your
favorite
past time
falling apart
(again)
has become
a conflict
because
you are
afraid to accept yourself
as
whole.

this is my working thought. i keep drawing the tower card lately. the falling apart, crumbling down card. and i don’t feel like i am falling apart…so i wonder why it keeps showing up.
then it occurred to me that i don’t know how to do anything if i am not falling apart. falling apart is what i do. or, rather, holding it together with all my might….
so…what do i do if i am not holding everything together? how do i function without a bus load of stress running me down? there is fight & flight…where is the relax?

what goes up

i’m up up up
again
worrying
again
about the fall
down down down
but
wait
have i learned
from my last
swan dive
have i learned
that
it’s not always
true
what goes up
must fall
back
down?

so i know i will have my ups and downs…i’m just hoping a time comes when i can go up, without then plummeting down due to my issues. lately i seem to be growing, blooming, gaining insights & praises…moving in a forward movement.
which sometimes (most times) backfires into my taking a nose dive into my dark place.
so here is my hope that i can go up without melting off my wings & crashing…. right?

the inking was reminding me of the illustrations found on old school sewing patterns…hence the scissor wings.

mommy & me

she feels them cold & wiggly under her warm blanket.
she feels them cold & wiggly under her warm sweater.
she feels them cold & wiggly against her warm belly…
her worn belly…
her stretched & saggy belly.
“stop or i will bite you.
“stop or i will break your little bones with my teeth.
“i will eat your fingers. snap & crackle.
“yum. yum. yum.
“stop it or i will tear them from you.
“i will devour you.”
comes the dark growl from the half asleep mama.
they just scamper
giggling
they are not afraid.

just another day in my house. for some reason i often threaten to eat my children. maybe i was the witch from hansel & gretel in a past life…. i do often threaten to leave them in the woods as well.

wild thing

i need to find a new way
of moving
forward
portraying myself
identifying myself
as the struggling mother
just
isn’t
working anymore
lighten my step
no more
trodding
as if i carry
the weight
of the world
instead
i should be
dancing
forward
wind at my back.

i like to look to the pains in my body as messages from myself &/or the universe. my right foot has been a mess for a few weeks now. i’m not sure what is happening. i think i might have sustained a yoga injury?
but now i am examining the way i move through life–both literally & figuratively.

if i should fall down

yesterday i paid cash
for a house
an entire house
well, almost…
& today
i am giddy as fuck
the house is mine
if it should fall down
i will put it back up again
for every damage done to it
i will make repairs
because
the house is mine
after years of feeling lost
today, at least,
i feel as if i have found
my way
home.

i wrote this almost ten days ago & inked it a day or so after that…but i have not posted it because i was feeling sick of my art. that happens. yesterday i took another look at it & decided to post it.
also
i haven’t gotten much art done as my mind is all wrapped up in this house. thinking about solar power…thinking about rocket mass heating…thinking about a traditional farmhouse style of kitchen…thinking about replacing walls with shelves…tackling the yard gone wild…counting the trees & celebrating them…finding kindred spirits to put their energy into this massive project….
it can totally preoccupy a person.
but!
i do want to keep working on my art & my writing. so i am catching up on journal pages, working on my novel, and thinking about future projects that don’t require heavy lifting….

dreaming

i dreamed last night that i quite easily allowed
myself to be wooed by a pretty man full of
flattery & affection. he was a teacher who
was neglecting his students & i noted this
(as one of the students) but supported his
behavior anyway. by the end of the dream
he was tossing me aside to pursue another
woman. this woman, however, saw &
was repulsed by his shallow nature & easily
rejected him. i applauded her rejection of
him & validated it while vilifying the man…
still aware of my own seemingly shallow
nature in so eagerly encouraging his
affections previously….

a waking dream a few mornings back. it had a large impact on me…made me examine who i am and what i have learned about myself–especially concerning relationships and skeezy men. maybe it loops back to yesterday’s post about knowing what i am capable of.
can i be in a relationship right now? am i healthy enough? self-aware enough?
hmmm.
jury’s still out on this one.

know thyself

“knowing who you are
where you are
& what you are capable of
at the present time
is true wisdom”
says my tarot card
my conflict card
for today
good words
for me to remember
as i try to save the world
in the next ten minutes.

what am i capable of right now? fixing up an old house? being a published author? being a mother who embraces equanimity? one step at a time. some days are baby steps. some days are great big bounding steps. maybe i should start each day asking myself, “what am i capable of today?”

warrior

it’s not a body
torn apart
by four pregnancies
it’s the body
of a warrior
cut open twice
followed by two home births
my body
has stories to tell.

something that occurred to me in the shower one morning. i give my body such a hard time…but my body has always been there for me. it was not my body that failed me in childbirth–but the current medical system that does not allow for anything but a textbook birth (hence my being cut open twice because i dared to have 42 week pregnancies.) and after being assaulted by the medical system…twice…my body recovered and got me through two home births. kudos to my body. my warrior body. strong, dependable, magical.

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