noise

there is a lot of noise
in my head
voices interrupting voices
ideas
moving
in every direction
too many directions
how do i
quiet
my thoughts
how do i encourage
them
to work with me
rather than
against
me
rather than a traffic
jam
how do i create
moving
paths
to
inspiration
&
clarity?

this touches on the same thoughts as a post a few days ago. quieting those inner thoughts so i can focus enough to do something fabulous.
each day is a little better…but it’s still a work in progress.

pretty picture

pretty picture
they say
how much?
i tell them
& they walk away
&
i spin
am i asking
too much?
sure
ink is cheap
paper too
but
i put so much of myself
in every
inking
years & years
of trying
of failing
of hurting
of growing
of figuring shit out
pretty lady
they say
what are you worth?
any price
i put on me
is going to be
too much
just
walk away.

i have now a diminished idea of what my inkings are worth. so if you want some, now would be the time to buy!
conversely, i now have the highest self-esteem i have ever had since childhood. did i have self-esteem in childhood? i can’t remember for sure. i mean, sometimes i can’t tell the difference between self-esteem & just not giving a fuck.

last day of inktober.

tomorrow starts nanowrime & my first year ever doing it.

everything must go

cut me down
to size
marked off
everything
must
go
when i realize
i am worth
far less
(far far less)
than i thought
i was
it is weird
to think
i valued myself
more
(far far more)
than the rest of the world
values
me
&
here i thought
things couldn’t get
worse.

this was my pull me down to earth (wasn’t i already there, buried in fact?) thought when i had to re-price my art to a lower asking price at the physical site as well as on my etsy site and at my art exhibit. i thought i was under-pricing my art. turns out i am worth even less than i originally thought. it’s a sobering thought…. but supply & demand & all that….

sigh.

so i am not making any new pieces to sell. instead i am focusing on other projects, including doing nanowrimo for the first time ever.

so maybe it was the push i needed?
(lemons & lemonade & all that)

twilight with sunflowers

is this my normal
is this my baseline
is happiness
just a
blip
on the scanner
every once
in
awhile
the status quo
however
is barely being able
to find a reason
to get out of
bed.

i’m feeling better since i wrote this. halloween gets me all giddy. i am making the kids do a dress rehearsal today.
but when i feel down down down in the dark dark dark…it does feel like a forever thing.
of course, when i’m back up again–it feels that much more magical.

selkie sky

who am i?
i cannot quite
connect
the dots
to complete my picture
hag
crone
single mom
mundane
fraud
something in the corner
of my life
just
out of
sight
some missing
piece
to my puzzle
i keep feeling
like if i could just
get those dots
to line up
to connect
i would be something
better.

this is also an ongoing theme for me. like when i saw the lady in the water way back when, i understood the feeling of not quite grasping the key…the ability…to express what i want to express. what i need to express. the idea that will just make everything click into place….

i was totally excited that a selkie showed up in this inking. i might explore that subject matter in future projects.

this sucks

how am i still
failing
at something i have been doing
every
day
for fifteen years?
sometimes
it is the
only
thing i do
yet still
i suck
at being a mom
the one thing
i thought
once upon a time
i might
be good at.

this is an ongoing thing for me. one day maybe i won’t feel this way? or the world will end….

there is a page now on the commons website about my exhibit!
also, still available, that book i wrote….

something different

i should try something
different
i think
this
obviously
isn’t working
i gesture to the life
around me
the chaos i am
waist deep
in
the disorder
the depression
the overwhelming
sense
of helplessness…
i should try something
different
i whisper
to myself
but for the life of me
i cannot
think
of anything else
i haven’t
already
tried.

dipping my toes in darkness…again. yesterday i was dancing…today not so much. but, you know, the dance of life, the dance we do as we try to get better–two steps forward one step back.
which means, i am always dancing.
but the music changes….

just keep dancing

i have decided to join
the church
of ann-margret
if i look
half as fabulous
when i am almost 80
if i can
shake my ass
half as gloriously
when i am her age…
i have accepted
the teachings
of ann-margret
into my heart
never
stop
dancing & being
fabulous.

i was binge watching “happy” & ann-margret appeared to me in a vision of loveliness and changed my life
or at least gave it a push in a good direction
so now
much like in west side story
i am determined to dance my troubles out.

(adopting this philosophy is still a work in progress & might take awhile to fully adopt, but my first step is a dance step)

if wishes were frogs

i regret
that i only have
one beer in my
fridge…
ideally
i should have
one drink per child
available to me
at
all
times.

self-medicating…. proof that i am not an alcoholic, when i wrote this, there were actually two more beers in my fridge…i just wasn’t looking hard enough.
you may have guessed i’m still struggling with stress levels & being a mom…& just for shits & giggles, dusty is freaking out on me again now too. but i have a new coping mechanism for that….
sock puppet renditions of “texts from exes”!! coming soon to a youtube channel near you.

ps. for anyone wanting a copy of my book. i just need your address & $10 sent to my paypal or mailed to me (ask me for my address).
you can email me at: quixoticmama@gmail.com

wasted

my life has been
a complete
waste
of time
&
it’s not
that i want to die…
i just want to punish
everyone
who has ever claimed
to love
me.

more dark thoughts from poppy’s birthday. i would write more…but i’m feeling kinda crappy again.
today is my dead mom’s birthday (we had issues)…& having physical copies of my book on hand is making me spin out a bit & feel like a raging fraud/waste of space.
so, yeah, wasted….

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑