eight years…

wordpress just let me know it’s my eight year anniversary
whoa
how my art
my writing
& my way of viewing myself
the world
& relationships
has changed in eight years…
maybe not anything earth shattering
but
everything
has gotten a bit more proportional at least

this is a character from a story i played around with eight years ago in an art class. a story i still hope to finish developing one day.
eight years ago i was about to give birth to my fourth & final child. i was in an awful & emotionally abusive relationship with the dad. eight years ago i was attending art classes at uw and had just spawned moses jones. eight years ago i was in a lot of pain.
i somehow survived.
now i love & adore my four little monsters even when they are driving me mad. i no longer go to the dark dark places i went to back then–or at least i can still see the light when the dark decends. i can successfully ward off the wooings of the dad (who just this past weekend tried his hand at seducing me again.) i can suffer through the loneliness knowing i am who i am & am not going to accept anything less. i am working on my third publication. i am (slowly) selling art. i am working on a novel while editing two other books i wrote years ago to see if they are publishable….
and! i have my madness manor & my breathtaking view of the hills around me. i have a home–in more sense than one.
i have found my home.

(to be sung to the tune of “creep” by radiohead….)

i would just like
to announce
that i have never
won a blog award
and after like
what
three years here?
i do not even have
400 followers.
can anyone beat me
at losing?
(i don’t belong here…
i don’t belong here….)

i have been meaning to do this post for awhile. when people “like” something of mine, i check out their blogs & undoubtedly, they are celebrating their 4 millionth follower after two months of blogging & have at least that many awards. usually, those folks don’t actually follow me–i suspect they themselves are fishing for more followers. maybe that’s why they have so many followers. they are good at the fishing.

but, you know what, i love the followers i do have because i know they are following me despite my massive unpopularity & inability to work social media. and i totally get excited each time i get a new follower.

also! anyone i am following, you can know i am following you because i genuinely like your blog. no gimmicks. i just like you.
unlike on twitter or instagram where people will follow me until they realize i am not following them back, and then quit me…breaking my poor little heart…
unlike that, i am sincere about who i follow. i never even check to see if you follow me back.
not that i have the attention span to do that….

and as for awards.
i am not here for awards.
(in fact i have seen on a couple blogs that they actually have a “no awards accepted” thingy…not that i need one–but i totally respect that.)
i am here to share my story & to share my art for anyone who is interested or who feels akin to my words & inkings.
so i am not really counting my followers or waiting for awards. i am here to express myself and to connect with authentic folks like you.

the art above is a postcard i made one time when i was at zinefest and the printing company did not have my postcards done on time. so i made postcards to sell while i sat at my table at zinefest–which ended up being more fun than having already made postcards.
i have stuffed lion just like the one in the inking. lisa the lion, although she is 40 some years old & tattered to bits.

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