crying over who?

i don’t even know
who i miss anymore
someone i’ve never met
or someone
i lost a long time
ago
i don’t even know
why i cry anymore
is it for something
i lost
or something
i fear
i will never find?

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safe, without you

i hate
that i still miss you
sometimes
i hate
that your sad
sadness
still tugs
at my heart
i hate
that i have to remind myself
not
to
love
you
keep myself safe
by re-living old pain
pain
that never stops
feeling new.

i’m (not) fine!

old wounds
fall open
when you least expect
your insides
spilling out
on the hot
sticky
sidewalk
& you’re all like,
“that didn’t hurt,”
as you refuse
to let
anyone
help
you.

just stuff. processing everything, sometimes things surge to the surface and catch you off guard. but you keep processing through it. stitch it back in. continue the journey.

leap of faith

a leap of faith
i stand
looking
watching
waiting
will someone push me?
or do i
just
jump?
do i believe in myself
do
i
believe?
can i do this?
tap into that
deep
still
pool
of
confidence
i know
i know
is inside me
draw it up
in one deep breath
i just
leap?

who do you think you are?

stand up for yourself
so i can push you over
knock you down
think better of yourself
but no–not so much
what? you think
you’re better than me?
hold your head high
there. that makes it easier
for me to punch you
when you least expect it
why do girls like you
always date assholes
instead of nice guys
like me?

because….
with an asshole, at least
you know know what you’re
in for….

i got expressive figure drawing by bill buchman. i regret i never took a figure drawing class. i mean, i know the basics…but i need a lot more work. a class would have been fun. so i got this book. i haven’t read it yet, but i did do a self-portrait using the sketch on the front of the book after writing this poem.
the poem is inspired by lots of things…mostly by my own experiences with men feeling simultaneously attracted to & threatened by my strengths, my independence, & all those things about me i won’t apologize for.
i have a profile up over on okcupid–to basically just meet people & have conversations…maybe build some bridges…and now more than one guy has seen my profile as a challenge?

to you fuckers who think i’m some kind of challenge, something for you to conquer–fuck the fuck off.

be happy

i’m trying on my life
like a new pair of jeans
ugh!
these are too tight
look how fat they make me
look
i will never wear these
why did i think these would
fit
me?
i’m trying on my life
realizing it’s my favorite
pair of jeans
worn in
in all the right places
& look how cute my butt looks
i’m going to wear these
every day
everywhere
&
just
be
happy.

i think, often, when i have this one precious week to myself, my head is able to clear and i figure a little bit more out.
i used to get into relationships so that i wouldn’t have to think about my problems. it was so much easier to focus on someone else’s problems.
it is funny to me to realize i now crave this time alone to examine my own problems and actually try to fix them.

just makes me feel so grown up
in all the right ways

my epiphany is that–consciously or not–i did choose this life. i was not hijacked by it–though i do believe, in a way, it also chose me.
but this is where i want to be. ultimately. i might fantasize about running away…a lot…maybe more than the average person, but this is
where i want to be.
who i want to be.

(and i know this isn’t going to magically fix me & make me happy and make me all gung-ho when usually i feel like crying. i know i’m still going to get pissed off & lonely & depressed…but i think i needed to accept that this is my path–this is where i am supposed to be. and start walking it so i can get where i’m going already…unless life is about the journey. then i guess i just need to stop moping in the ditch and hop to it.)