inner child problems

my masculine is the
protective & loyal dog
my feminine
is the fiercely protective
bear
so who keeps opening the door
for strangers
with ill intent?
who keeps opening
my arms
to energy vampires
& narcissists?
there she is
my inner child
who grew up
confusing abuse
for love…
there she is
my inner child
ready to rescue
everyone else
because she hasn’t learned
how to be her own
hero.

i used medicine cards to determine my masculine & feminine spirit animals. totally accurate.
so then i was hiking a cold & snowy hill recently, trying to figure out why i could have such strong protection, yet still fall victim to abusive partners & friendships. i wanted to figure out why i let myself be such a victim when i have such a self-protective nature?
i need to figure it out so i can knock it the fuck off.
this is what i came up with. my inner child (and my empath) are mucking up the works by ignoring red flags in favor of trying to save everyone.
okay…
so now i just need to figure out how to teach them how to love themselves first? easy, right?

invitation to the dance

in typical style of me
i invited my mother
my feminine
to come into power
&
ended up squashing
my masculine
throwing me
out of whack
in a whole other direction
now
i invite my warrior male
back
while still honoring
my soft & yielding feminine
encouraging them
to dance
to blend & whirl
to teach me
when to be vulnerable
& when
to take no prisoners.

i have always had a very strong masculine side. i have started writing some creative non-fiction about what i termed (in the early ’90s) to be my “gender confusion.”
i have always punished myself for not being able to pull off the feminine…for being too manly in nature, but i have also always liked that about myself.
except i thought i was wrong for it….
so i tried so hard to get in touch with my softer side…and must have succeeded? because now i really miss my masculinity & my inner tough guy.
so it’s a dance.
but at least i’m trying to move to the music that is me.

the hills are alive

the hills are gone this morning. your logical mind dismisses it as a heavy fog brought on by a warm day in a cold season, but you know, the hills are gone. they surely woke up. stood. stretched & yawned & left on a walk about. the world ends there now, you think as you look at where there were once trees & is now nothing but white colored nothing.
why doesn’t anyone else see it?
the sleeping giants have gone adventuring & left an end to the world unguarded. a gateway to another place? you know the hills will return before the “fog” clears. you think about walking out…out to where the world now ends, but you are not ready.
not today.
not this time.

together; apart

new year
old problems
i feel the anger i have
over trampled boundaries
turns me into
creature
made of fire & stone
more base
than magical.

the ex regularly ignores my attempts at boundaries as i so easily cave into his needs while burying my own.
then i get to see echoes of this behavior in my children.
and i feel myself transforming into that awful person i don’t want to be.
so what do i need to do?
well, learn to value myself, at least….

“together; apart” 9X12 inking on watercolor paper…$45
“how do i learn to value myself” 9X12 inking on watercolor paper…$45

give me your pain

awaiting chimney work
so i can hook up a woodburning cookstove
madness manor
is nippy as fuck
but i stay optimistic
for 2022
planning an art show
considering submissions
selling books & artwork already
though the year has just begun
my feet may be cold
but my heart is warm.

“give me your pain” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

without smooches

happy new year
y’all
smooches for everyone
open up the door
let the old year out
& the new one
in.

without smooches” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

call of the wild

a couple of inkings with some spirit animal action
sure, a little anti-social
a tad feral
but super cute

above “swimming with selkies”
below “pooh”
9X12 ink on watercolor paper $45

strange omens

i started a “magic journal” so i can keep note
of all the magic
in my life
the magic i make
the magic i see
the magic all around
spells & dreams & omens
even the strange ones
(especially the strange ones)

i’ve been thinking a lot about manifesting the life i want. being more on point with creating/drawing magic in my life. on new year’s eve, me and a neighbor friend (and my minions) are going to work on vision boards for the coming year. i have my family…i have madness manor…i have a foundation. time to get building….

“strange omens” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45 SOLD

what i promised myself

sometimes
i swear
i can feel something powerful
working through me
when i do my art
i cherish those moments
even though i worry
i will spill ink
all over my
magic.

i really really like this inking. maybe i will price it higher? hmmm? i am trying to value myself more while also recognizing that folks don’t have a lot of art money lying around.
i was kind of thinking of new year’s and resolutions etc. as i inked this one. how do i want to grow? who will i be when i am finished? right, i will never be “finished” but, you know, what will i make of this upcoming year?
by the way, my dove turned into a hawk. i think that is a good thing.

“what i promised myself” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

i am more powerful

i have started telling my kids that this year
is the year
my ship comes in
who knows
my third collection to be published
my novel
surely
finished
who knows what good fortune
might find us
at madness manor.

“i am more powerful” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

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