fallen IX

i am wrath
i am punishment
i am the truth speaker
i wreak
havoc
on those
who prey so easily
on tender hearts
it is a cosmic
joke
that we all pretend
to be so
“human”
so civilized
no longer animals
something
“better”
we have forgotten
what we really
are
it is time
to
remember
i think it is my purpose
to remind
us
&
i wonder
will you see that as a punishment
or
a reward?
chaos
or a return
to order?

some deep & incoherent thoughts for you from my devil persona. i have all of this going on in my head, translating it is tricky.

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needless to say

to avoid having needs
met
i seek out
impossible men
seek out
self-fulfilling prophesies
teaching me to forget
my needs
bury them deep
it is not safe
to
need
close down
after all
you don’t need
anyone
do you?
need leads to want
need leads to betrayal
need leads to pain
how can i open
myself
to need
when i have taught myself
so thoroughly
that need
hurts?

so.
when i was a kid, my parents didn’t meet my needs. they wouldn’t or couldn’t. instead of becoming more needy, i shut down. i decided that if they wouldn’t meet my needs, i wouldn’t have any.
seriously.
if you read in one of my fallen posts about how i was the “good” one–they thought i was good because i never asked for anything.
nothing.
i refused to give them the chance to not meet my needs. i knew they would reject me–so i didn’t give them a chance to.
so so so fucked up.
what kid doesn’t need?
this one.
then of course, i grew into a woman who dated men incapable of meeting my needs.
so.
i didn’t have any. or if i did, i buried them deep until they became a molten core of anger & hate. resenting people for not being who i needed them to be as i refused to admit i had needs.
basically, i suspect everyone is eventually going to reject me, so i never let myself need anyone.

long story short, i am extremely self-reliant and independent…but i am now unable to need anyone–thereby i don’t connect with people on one basic human level.

yay.

working the healing wheel by maeanna welti has been pretty awesome. at each season on the wheel, there is focus on an area to heal. samhain was fear. solstice was needs. i am still working solstice…but looking forward to what i will learn about myself come imbolic.

fallen VIII

it isn’t all fun & games
when you’re
the devil
when your darkness
oozes & embraces
for one thing
you can feel
all the pain
in the world
you feel it
so intensely
& you no longer know
how to need
you long to feel
human
but you shut down your
humanity
you had to
in order to not collapse
under all the
torment
you can still feel
the desperate
lonely
your own desperate
lonely
but you cannot convince yourself
to
need
the antidote
is need
you need to let yourself need
but
you
can’t
you
won’t
for you to need
is a dangerous thing
that will rip open
too
many
wounds.

i am exploring need in my working the healing wheel. i have realized that i do not let myself need anyone. if you ask me, i will state, “i do not need anyone.”
and in my head, this is true. there is an exit strategy in case of loss. for everyone i know, i have instilled an exit strategy in case i lose them.
i suppose there is something deeply wrong with me
that i refuse to need anyone.
so, weirdly enough, i have realized that i need to learn to need…but i have no idea how to do that.

rick springfield is my patron saint

this is a journal page from just over a year ago, one of several horned images of myself i have drawn

so i was on the third season of lucifer & feeling guilty about binging on a network tv show when i realized that it was based on a neil gaiman character (one of my favorite male writers) thereby relieving me of my guilt.
the tv show has inspired thinking points for me in my latest embracing of my darkness via my “fallen” series.
and then today
after having a friend put 18 hours of music on a thumbdrive so i had music in my car, i realized i had forgotten all about rick springfield.
so i went to google him and realized he has seemingly been creating non-stop since the 80s–when i listened to his music because my big sister was in love with him.
his latest album the snake king, has angels, demons, god, the devil, and the underworld all through it.
huh.
it’s pretty dark & pissed off & has a twangy sound to it–which is not what i expected.
but this is not a review of rick springfield.
it is my own wondering about how when you start looking at the world in a different way, the world is only too happy to comply by dropping crumbs in your path.
being a recovering catholic, i have been both drawn to & repelled by my own darkness as well as any dealings with demons & devils.
since embracing them…new doors are opening & i am being shown the threads that bind us all together.
or, at least, i am listening to rick springfield & thinking deep thoughts.


fallen VII

when i noted that
my children
were
the spawn of satan
i assumed
that if was their
father
who was the
devil
on retrospect
i should have realized
he was too
lazy
unmotivated
& lacking in follow through
to be a king
of the underworld
i, however,
am a dedicated
loving
nurturing
queen of the damned

i’m sure y’all aren’t surprised i was happy to find yet another way to use the madonna & child symbolism.

as i was illustrating this, i was being tormented by my minions. while climbing all over me, three out of four of them asked me who was in the picture (the oldest one claimed he knew better than to ask me.)
i answered each of them, “it’s you & me.”
the two boys acted upset by my drawing horns on the heads.
my daughter did not seem fazed at all. of course, she has a 666 in her social security number & is left handed…. (seriously)
i mean, this devil stuff. it’s a woman’s job. attention to detail. multi-tasking. making sure the right people suffer. women’s work.

i asked my oldest son what he would think if he found out i was the devil. he said he wouldn’t be surprised.
and when i greeted iggy with, “greetings spawn of the devil.” he replied, “it takes one to know one.”

my kids are awesome. i love my lovely spawn.

the dead of winter

after a quiet start to winter, central illinois got a snowy blowy storm that dumped like 8 inches & then sculpted those inches into knee deep drifts that have turned my yard into an obstacle course requiring a workout just to get to the goats & ducks.

also, i had to dig out my driveway, both for the mail delivery person as well as for my own plans to ever leave the house. i don’t have a snowblower or a plow. i did it by hand & was more than impressed with how strong i am as well as how fit yoga has kept me. i don’t even have a sore back.

this morning we got the added element of frosting on all the trees & bushes & anything sitting still enough to be frosted.

fallen VI

it’s a relief really
realizing
what
you
are
embracing
your own heart
saying to the
catholic teachings
that tried to school you
in
right & wrong
saying
huh…you were right
women
are
the
devil
but more importantly
the devil
is
a
woman
and, that, my love
is just the very
tippy top
of the
iceberg.

i was having an epiphany when i wrote this page. it all made sense like when you just wake up from a dream knowing the meaning of life.
i will call this an exercise so that it is not overwhelming for you, but it is much more than that to me.
this exercise has opened my eyes & offered me a new way of looking at my life. a new way of looking at the world around me.
i hope i am able to flush it out.
perhaps it will become a book someday….

i have my pandora programmed with a handful of artists & she plays me a random selection based on that…i am amazed at how many songs have references to the devil & demons & angels. i guess i shouldn’t be amazed, it is so much a part of all of us.

we pretend to be “human” but what are we, really? i think we have forgotten.
i, for one, think it is time to remember.

fallen V

you always got
angel food cake
on your birthday
because
you were the
good
one
how is that right
you wondered
that the devil’s food
is so much
yummier
than the angel’s?
doesn’t really
encourage
so-called
goodness, does it?
& your goodness was
so totally
so-called
they labeled you
“good”
because
they
didn’t
know
what
else
to
call
you
you, in your quiet
contemplation
of the world
around
you.

i hate angel food cake. every year i got an angel food cake on my birthday because i was the “good” one & my irish twin–the one my mother preferred to me–got a cake that actually tasted good because she was the “bad” one. devil’s food.
ha!
i wasn’t good. i was just quiet. and deeply aware that my household was unstable & dangerous.
so i was quiet & appeared to behave…& i waited.

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