all of me II

when i was a child
i thought i had to choose
between art & writing
i chose writing
when i had a child
i thought i had to choose
between writing & motherhood
i chose motherhood
i thought i had to choose
between being a mother
& being a lover
i chose
to be a mother
leaving all of these
pieces
of me
blowing in the wind
gusting by
one by one
i’m a mother
today
i’m an artist
today
maybe a writer
tomorrow
thoughts of being a lover
chances
to be a friend
a neighbor
a member
of the community
swirl around
in a tornado
of me
& for some reason
i cannot come to terms
with being all
with being
complete
i think i have to pick
& choose
& put parts of me on some
back burner
for another day
& this leaves me
incomplete
a flower
with just two petals
i need to learn
to embrace
all of me
and bloom
in full.

mixing up my metaphors all over the place…but you get the gist, right?
last night i dreamed of being in a happy family. poor & in a small apartment but happy. my ex (dusty) played the part of the father & the lover…but i don’t think the dream was about him. i suspect he represents a neutral “lover” figure as he is the one who has played that role for the longest stretch of time in my life.
so i think it was a good dream. maybe saying that at least my internal family is intact & healthy? which is actually huge. HUGE. that family has been a mess for…well, forever.
i think it was a good dream.
i think i am getting there.

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