hoodie of despair

so
usually
i turn to anger
after the sad
of rejection
because maybe i feel more in control
of the anger?
the ride goes like this:
you hurt me
(intentionally or unintentionally)
i feel rejected
i get
overwhelmingly
SAD
then i get
pissed off
i never needed you
anyway
in fact
i’m fucking brilliant
without you
& round & round
goes the merry
until i just want it all to
STOP
so maybe
i should see what happens if
i crawl inside my despair
pull it tight
around me
& see if i can feel the hurt
see if i can heal
the hurt.

if any of y’all are familiar with my self-portrait series…i have a sweater of depression in that collection. so this is my hoodie of despair. i tried to ink a sloth on her head…but it may look more like a lemur? i was having trouble transcribing the image of a sloth from my head to the paper….

this is what happens. that frankenstein’s monster emerges from my feeling of rejection (real or imagined or hinted at or whispers of) and then i go from victim to monster in the blink of an eye.
i want to stop that.
not that i don’t love & appreciate my inner monster…i just want to have her behave a bit more appropriately. and by appropriate, i mean in a constructive way, not a destructive way.
hmmm.
something to think on….

ps. three nights in a row i have dreamed of being at some sort of party, gathering, group function. also, i cannot stop the reoccurring dreams about my ex husband…thoughts?
the best i could come up with is that my ex husband represents bad relationships? bad decisions?
but what does a party represent to an introvert with misanthropic tendencies who still desires community?
more to think on….

3 thoughts on “hoodie of despair

Add yours

  1. Taming the monster?
    No, wrong metaphor.
    It’s a monster; might as well tell Bigfoot to take a desk job and wear a suit and tie.
    What would it build if it knew it was allowed instead of destroy with all that strength?

    Speaking as an introvert, parties are great for playing wall flower and people watching.

    I think it looks a bit more like a sloth than a lemur.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thanks! just this morning i had an argument with my 17 year old about monsters. i said that monsters by definition are not scary. we had to go to the dictionary before he would believe me (but still not admit he was wrong.) monsters can be scary, but i often find them to just be misunderstood. i don’t want to tame my inner monster…just set her on a healthier path 🙂

      Like

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