behind blue eyes

i hate being a mom
i fucking hate it
i want to drop them off
on their dad’s
& let him be a fucking martyr
for the next 17 years
i hate all this motherhood
it is not fucking worth it
i hate being the bad guy
the fall guy
the whipping boy
& scapegoat
taking all of the abuse
those matricidal maniacs
dish out
taking it
with a smile
isn’t motherhood a fucking

so this is the page in my journal that i wrote when i was in the middle of a meltdown

it had been a long day. one of those days that started really nice with my feeling on top of the world…but the higher you are, the further you have to fall.
first i tried to set up an arrangement with my 14 year old where he would keep the floors clean in exchange for a monthly payout. it was like negotiating with someone who spoke a different language & ended with my mopping the floor while he pouted.
and pouted
and pouted
(the boy can hold a grudge)
so later i suggested we all go for a walk–insisting he should come because the exercise would help him feel better. which it did.
but then it was my 8 year old’s turn. my 8 year old is like the velociraptor in jurassic park who jumps at the fence, strategically to find the weak spots. i am a rapidly deteriorating fence to my 8 year old’s attacks.
he stopped halfway through the walk and refused to move because he wanted me to make hot chocolate even though i explained (over & over & over) that we were low on milk and could not make it until tomorrow when i could get more milk. which of course he translated to my being an unloving mother….
long story short, i was fragile by bedtime.
since i broke my knee in june, i have been sleeping downstairs. the 8 year old & 11 year old insist on sleeping in the living room with me. the 11 year old has started waking up with headaches from sleeping in a chair.
so i decided it was time for us to more back upstairs.
i haven’t seen the upstairs in months.
i ask them to clean it regularly. they either ignore me or tell me they did clean it.
i should have known better.
knowing me & how i react to out-of-control messes & how i react to realizing no one has been listening to me…i should have known better. but i went up those stairs, saw the unbelievable mess of the upstairs, and had a meltdown.

i have control issues.
i have anger issues.
i have issues with cleaning up other people’s messes.
i have issues with being ignored.

it was more than i could handle. i became a monster.
through journaling (three pages in all) i worked through some of it & am hopeful that in the future i will handle myself better.
also, the next morning i had a talk with them. i apologized & tried to explain why i behaved as i did.
hopefully, i didn’t do too much damage 😦

12 thoughts on “behind blue eyes

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  1. I’m trying to think of anybody, including me, who would/could handle that sort of day really well (I don’t happen to know personally any real live officially canonized saints.). It looks like (hopefully) a Live, Survive, Learn situation.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know how you feel. It started to go that direction on Friday: all three sniping at each other and acting as I’d ask them to cut off their arms when I decided pigs would refuse to enter the house and asked them to clean. My sympathies.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Better out than in…

    Today i started the day ramtimg and cleaning my 17 year olds roOm as it was just shameful

    Ended it nearly in tears looking at photos at how cute he was (and sometimea is still).

    The mrs says you love your wonky kids even more because u haven’t or youd throw them down a well…

    Ok i added the well bit but it a broadly her sentiment…

    Plus who actually has a well anymore. (Actually bet u do!)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. i don’t have a well, but there is a large creek nearby! and i have not yet thrown them in.
      you are a braver man than me. i avoid going anywhere near my 17 year old’s room. i know it will end in trauma.


  4. I hear you, emje. If it’s not one thing it’s another… we’ve talked before about our similar parenting, eh, “issues”… it’s why I love when you share because I’m like, HERE’s a woman who understands me and I understand her. 💕

    When you mentioned going upstairs for the first time, I literally shuddered because I *knew* what the result would be. Probably the same thing that would have happened had I been in your place. Yikes.

    Big Alaskan hugs to you!

    Liked by 2 people

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