a new day

“it’s a new dawn
it’s a new day
it’s a new life
& i’m feeling good…”
sings the radio
as i realize
what the universe
has been screaming
at me
these past couple of years

“stop running away from the past”
stop
walking away
stop
locking up my heart
& denying the love
i know
to be true

stop
& open
let go of what was
& listen
to what is
let go of the hurt
& the anger
open
to the possibilities
of love.

i have been struggling with foot pain…first my right foot, and when it healed, my left foot developed the same problem.
then i broke my knee.
i have long suspected that it is more than just a physical thing. most my life, i have manifested physical ailments when i am ignoring an emotional one.
i have been trying to figure this one out for a long time & have felt more urgency recently thinking that if my knee break didn’t make me see it–what would the universe do to me next?
my full moon tarot card spread advised meditation.
so i meditated.
i am an antsy person who cannot sit still for very long; focus has always been a challenge, but i did a simple meditation.
in my meditation i learned that i try to do it all myself. i try to not look to other people for what i need. however, i cannot meet all of my own needs. i do need other people.
i need someone to love who loves me.

i had this once.
i miss it like crazy, but i tell myself i am weak for missing it. that i am weak for still loving this person. that love makes me weak & girly.
i struggle with my girly heart…thinking i need to re-enforce the walls around it & not fall prey to love.

but my meditation told me the opposite. my meditation told me i need to let love in.

huh.

i guess it’s worth a shot….

8 thoughts on “a new day

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  1. Once upon a time, far away and long ago, I worked as a counselor at a long term residential substance abuse program for teenagers. Kids could walk away (which would land them back in Juvenile Jail) and some did. One girl set out one night to leave. She took a misstep in the dark and broke a bone in her right foot. When that had healed a few months later, she tried it again. Yep, you guessed it, the left foot. What was there to say but, “Did you get the message yet?”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s okay to be weak. That’s what I’ve learned these last five years. It’s okay to need or want someone. To love and be loved. It’s okay to get hurt. It’s okay to be vulnerable and show all the ugly or pathetic bits. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. vulnerability is soooooo hard for me. so hard. it’s funny, because i put all my stuff out there–seeming to be vulnerable–but my secret weapon is i don’t give a fuck. so…do i have to start giving a fuck? maybe? about something?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. there’s a type of vulnerability, such as sharing our art, in which we have a level of CONTROL over that vulnerability. like how deep we allow ourselves to be seen; what level. we pick and choose what we let them see. then there’s the real vulnerability which is the neck laid bare for the strike of the blade, the knighthood pose, in which we leave it all out there. that’s an intimacy in which very few (as I’ve observed) partake of. how rare to find someone in whom we say, I will show you everything, EVERYTHING, and let you choose what you do with it.

        Liked by 1 person

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