queen of the imposters

it’s my grandma saying
“you’d be so pretty if only you dressed like a girl”
it’s my parents saying
“writing is a nice hobby, but what will you really do?”
it’s that boyfriend saying
“you might be sexy if you started jogging and lost some weight”
it’s the father of my children saying
“why do i have to work why you do nothing?”
the father of my children
questioning all my decisions while offering no help
the father of my children
insinuating i’m doing it all
but they don’t even know
they don’t even know what they have done to me
that they have become a little voice in my head
telling me i’m an imposter
when i wear girl’s clothes & pretend to be pretty
i’m an imposter
when i say i’m a writer
i’m an imposter
when i feel sexy
i’m an imposter
when i try to mother my children….

a friend of mine was talking about how the judging voice in her head was “the white lady.” this made me wonder what the most disruptive voice in my head looked like.
so i meditated & journeyed into myself to confront the one who whispers “imposter” whenever i try to do certain things.
i couldn’t find anyone. no one came forward. i called & called, but no one answered. i assumed they were hiding from me.
but then last night as i lay in bed after being screamed at by my ex-husband who was visiting for our son’s birthday, i realized, my imposter voice was there…they just didn’t realize i was talking to them. they are oblivious to what they are doing to me. they think they have done nothing wrong. they see themselves as completely innocent.
this made me realize i need to start being oblivious to it as well. just drown it out by proclaiming, “i am not an imposter. i am a good mother. a good writer. i am pretty & goddammit, sexy too.”

4 thoughts on “queen of the imposters

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  1. I think that if your asked and they answered honestly, or what they would think was honestly, they would say they were trying to help. They are that oblivious and ignorant of who you actually are, and the damage they do and have done. So, yes, make the proclamation. YAY!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The other day I read (and shared) a great article on Delusion vs Illusion. It’s interesting how the voices of others become our own voices. We create our own delusions using their voices. We cannot control other people. They will say what they will say. What we CAN control is Our reactions to them. She says: you Could be pretty and You say: I Am pretty just the way I am. And prettiness or ugliness (externally) has Nothing to with life. Etc etc. Instead of internalizing and eventually believing the lies and making them our own, we MUST counter immediately and often with truth.

    You ARE beautiful.
    You ARE powerful.
    You ARE a writer.
    You ARE an artist.
    You ARE a mother.

    No one, not even you, can take those truths away.

    Liked by 1 person

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