burn the world down

i am feeling a bit angsty. pissy. out of whack in the zen.

february 23rd was the wedding anniversary of my dead parents. they were married on february 23, 1963. my brother was born november 30, 1963.
why would anyone plan a winter wedding in illinois…hmmmm.
so during my hike/meditation on the 23rd i started thinking about it. my dad’s family always treated my mom like a second class citizen. like “white trash.”
did they get married because she was pregnant? she always claimed she had her period on her wedding day…but i think that might have just been a cover?
so i started thinking more and more. places i have not let my brain go before. whether or not my mom “trapped” my dad into marriage, his family must have believed it, & i suspect that he also did.
i tried to think of an instance where my dad showed love to my mom. i mean, he was obviously attracted to her sexually…but thinking back i cannot think of a moment where he showed her love. devotion. usually he was ridiculing my mom. acting like he was better/smarter than she was. often times he was downright cruel.
she, however, was crazy about him (literally at times.) she loved him & was utterly devoted. even dying within a year of his dying.
then–after reading a romcom novel & really really enjoying it to my own dismay & then wondering why i felt so uncomfortable with romance–i started applying this model to my own life. and found a disturbing pattern. let’s use dusty as an example….
when dusty was devoted to me, i looked down on him…considered him beneath me.
when he abused me, i loved him and became almost manic in my devotion.
and i could apply it to other relationships.
many other relationships.
my model taught me to ridicule men who are devoted to me while adoring men who abuse me.
fuck.
fuck fuck fuck.

but now i am aware of this. now i can start healing it.

ps. on 2-22-22 tuesday, i thought it was a good day for a love spell…so i did that. i did a love spell for my perfect man.
of course, i will keep y’all updated on my magical pursuit of true love.

“burn the world down”
9X12 inking on watercolor paper
$45 plus $5 shipping

8 thoughts on “burn the world down

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  1. You have me thinking about how often we reenact features of our parents’ relationships. Mine were a poor model in some ways. I remember few scenes of tenderness, closeness, but mostly a kind of distance. They weren’t the sort to snuggle on the sofa to watch TV, or go around holding hands, and so on. But, sorting through things after my dad died (Mom had preceded him in that.) I found a bunch of his letters home when he was away in the Army. He had a romantic side, filling them with endearments. And, they were married for 66 years until death did them part. And I see some of that distance in several of my relationships, that coolness of overt expression.

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    1. my parents stayed together–but i often feared it was out of spite. like some sort of twisted dare. i have divorced twice fearing i would turn into my mom…. but i try not to lose hope. thank you for sharing!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to a lot of these, my parents modeled a terrible marriage and I’ve repeated the pattern or allowed in sweet talkers who said the words I thought would be enough (my dad has told me he loved me once). It’s so freaking hard to break generational patterns.

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