notes on being an outsider, part I

it never surprises me to find i am unpopular…aye…unliked.
i think it surprises me though to find i am liked.
i does surprise me…but i know if i sit tight, the madness will pass.
likewise, i won’t even believe if someone tries to tell me i am loved.
such a thing i cannot fathom.
love is impossible.
i am comfortable amid neighbors who will not even make eye contact with me.
amidst a community who seems to value me, i know one day they will realize their error,
grab their torches & pitchforks,
& punish me for my perceived deception.

i have moved from a liberal town of people whom i did not trust to a conservative town of people who do not trust me. why am i more comfortable around people who openly judge me? i guess because i trust them more than i trust the people who are quietly judging me–which is what the liberal communities do. they are nice to my face, but what are they hiding?
i grew up in a small town of rednecks. i couldn’t wait to get away from them. but after a lifetime of community jumping, i have come to realize that rednecks, at least (even if i don’t agree with them) tell it like they see it. people who claim to be progressive, often pretend things are something they are not.
in my experience.
so i put myself in the blatantly hostile environment where no one pretends that i fit in–that way i can know exactly where i stand.
does that make sense?
it does to me.