day thirty-seven

& you find that
you have spent so long
pretending
as hard as you can
that everything
is okay
then comes the day
there is no reason
to pretend
anymore
& you are
flooded
with all those
feelings you kept at bay
& you realize
how fucking
miserable
you were
& how fucking
relieved
you are
to be done
with it.

i didn’t realize how much i hated the house i was living in until i moved out of it & into madness manor. it was always falling apart & we had to share it with hordes of rats.
& my landlords were slumlords only i didn’t realize because i was trying so hard to not fall apart & to be a good tenant so i wouldn’t have to worry about moving somewhere else.

funny how that works. what a person will endure to survive…only to realize how difficult the endurance was once it’s past. i have had plenty of relationships & jobs that fall into this category as well.
oh, and my childhood.

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