evasive creature

i am beginning
to suspect
that the narrator would describe me
as cold
distant
an evasive creature
funny though
i never saw me like that
&
i know me
i know i have a warm heart…
but fickle.
both courageous
& timid
who the fuck am i?
why are relationships
so fucking
hard
for me….
no i am not cold
& distant
maybe i’m just using
that mask
when it suits
me.

it’s like i do know who i am–but who am i? i was pondering this while getting energy/body work. i am definitely going through something. the body worker told me that as far as my physical body–i was in good shape. things were moving & improving. but in my brain, i am having lots of meltdowns & feeling terrified. panic attacks over mail being delivered (although my village clerk does keep sending me “helpful” information on lawn ordinances–so that might be part of that.)

sigh.
drawing all those flowers did help soothe me….

3 thoughts on “evasive creature

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  1. I’d ask them if they’d rather see the house empty and abandoned and an overgrown lawn or one that is lived in by an actual family of humans (and a dog) and a lawn that is tended their own way. In all honesty, there’s nothing they can do but harass you. They can’t kick you out of your own home unless that’s part of the contract with the bank that owns it, plain and simple.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i actually own the house outright. it’s just a “village ordinance” apparently–lawn shorter than 8 inches–no noxious weeds. (i need a goat.) i’m hoping once they get used to me, it will all be less stressful. also, i need to get past my fear of angry mobs 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, they are going to have to… because it’s your home. I understand the noxious weeds part but length shouldn’t matter. (imo) oh and get rabbits! They are cheap and will keep the lawn down really well 💕 plus they make cute babies and feed the hawks 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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