motherhood

i made it my impossible dream
living with only it in mind
& when i found it
i embraced it. made it my everything
got completely
utterly
lost in it
with time however & happenstance
i began to wear it
as my own crown of thorns. my misery
my impossible escape
then i began to push it away
to deny it like peter at the gate
not me
not this
sleight of hand. look over there
nothing to see here…definitely not me
not like this….
but now i see
it is yet another balancing act
a recipe
i have to be
a little of this. a little of that.
& every bit of me.

i tried for ten years to have a successful pregnancy. then bang bang bang bang…i was a mother of four. i have been on a roller coaster of identity crisis. i am sure the ride will continue the rest of my life, but now i am figuring out how to throw myself into the twist & turns, ups & down.

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