lost girl

i was an outcast from an early age.
at ten months, i was cast off to relatives.
at thirteen months, my baby sister usurped my mother’s love.
i was a neurotic mess by kindergarten.
by high school i assumed no one like me & became
comfortable in my role as a pariah.
i don’t worry about people talking about me
or making fun of me
i just assume they do.
i don’t wait for people to leave me, i leave them first.
this is who i am
this is my suit of armor that keeps me safe
& pulls me
down down down.

my dad crashed the car, drunk driving, when i was ten months old. my pregnant mom ended up in the hospital, i was sent to whomever would take me.
when my sister was born a few months later, my mother who didn’t want another child much less another girl, devoted all her attention to my sister. out of guilt? out of identifying with that unwanted girl child? my mother & my sister were a lot alike whereas i took after my dad. i wonder if she could tell that already when we were infants. nevertheless, anytime my mom wanted to admonish me for being a bad daughter, she would tell me, “you were a wanted baby.” and that is as far into my history as she ever ventured.
i grew up a freak in a small town of conservative christian. even if i was accepted, i had retreated so far inside myself, that i could not find any acceptance.
and this formed me into the socially anxious easy-outcast i am today. you want me to leave? i’m already out the door, man. i don’t even wait for you to realize you want me to leave.

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