my conflict

i am two of cups–balance–crossed by nine of cups–success.
what? how can my conflict be success, i think just before a heartfelt compliment, feelings of progress,
& a night out with friends sends me into a downward spiral.
oh
so that’s how.
i think, remembering the therapist who would warn me before giving me a compliment after she realized
i reacted the same to nice words as i did to bad ones.

i am still reeling, i’m afraid. over a week after i wrote this post. i am still struggling to believe i am a good & productive person who deserves praise. this is my longest downward spiral in quite forever…is it my transformation? once i survive this, will i be forever changed for the better? i guess that is what we will find out.
but today finds me breaking ties with a friend who has taken advantage & put me in the position of her enabler…today finds me having to rescue a broken sister even though it is the last thing i want to be doing.
but i don’t want to forget about my own journey. i can’t forget about my own healing. or is this all part of that?

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