whisper campaign

i was getting a little too friendly with the world, you see. too butterflies & rainbows.
it made some cracked wheels turn inside me as my tragically introverted self,
my dark & morbid self, my inner brooding monster whispered in my ear,
“they all hate you; you’re such a cunt. why do you even bother?
go home. go to bed. hide in a book or better yet a tv show…just. hide.”
& i found my delight in my self-loathing. poking that bruise on my soul
as i covered all of the mirrors and windows and told myself,
“it’s okay. you’re happier when you’re alone.”

true story. this happens to me sometimes. i sometimes cannot handle being happy & friendly and stable-ish. i cannot handle being likable or successful in any way. it stirs up my demons and terrible things are said until i sink back into a gloom they are more comfortable with.

2 thoughts on “whisper campaign

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  1. I feel this so much. Most days I’m friendly, affable and like getting along with others. But sometimes my mood shifts so drastically it takes people by surprise when I’m moody. And I fucking hate it. I hate that people expect me to act a certain way and it’s my own fault. My unpredictability is only predictable by me and I feel like I run people over with a Mac truck and blind side them when they catch me in a bad mood.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i get it. i have a new friend who knows me through social circles where i am/was–social–but now i am not social & she keeps telling me not to isolate & i just want to hiss at her & say, “but that’s what i do!”

      Liked by 1 person

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