love him love him not

reading journals
from 20
from 30
years ago
seems i had
an on-again
off-again relationship
with everyone…
look at me
hot & cold
i love him
i love him
not
do i enjoy
this inane dance
should i come with a warning
“i will love. you
deeply
dearly
but i will also
detest
you.”

it wasn’t until i was scanning this in that i realized i had put in all those daisies to have their petals ripped away one by one.
after i inked the woman & her horns, i sat & stared at the page for a long time before i finally realized that she & the page should be covered in daisy petals.
but it wasn’t until i was done & the page was recorded that i realized why.
i love him. i love him not.

funny.
so this is my own reaction to me in all my journals of past. then with the more recent history of breaking up with dusty…making babies with dusty…breaking up with dusty.
seems i’m stuck in a bit of a pattern.

or am i just entering into faulty relationships that require a stepping away & am just not stepping far enough away fast enough?

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