seed or stone?

I am a mushy plum
with a stone
for a heart
can i love?
am i even
able
to accept a man
into that hard hard
heart
of mine?
i think i am afraid
to make someone
happy
after so so many years
of being
so so
successful
at making others
miserable
what if
i would rather
make you cry
than to see
your smile?

i am thinking a lot about opening myself up to love. something i have not done for many many years–if ever. i built all these walls and traps to keep love away. now i am ready to think about family. and to me, family includes a relationship with a man.
but sometimes when i imagine being in a relationship…i just feel terrified.
and then i wonder if i am even capable of being in a relationship….

(here is the complete page–tomorrow’s post will be the opposite page to today’s)